Battling intrusive thoughts and depression - OCD Support

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Battling intrusive thoughts and depression

Ddpg94 profile image

Hello Im new here and I have been reading a lot of posts on here that describe somehow the way that I feel pretty much everyday since March 2018. I don't even know what to call it sometimes I get so confused, right now I am taking mertazipine for depression and I have just started therapy. First I started struggling with these horrible thoughts about God like blasphemy and bad things this bothered me a lot because I am christian so I got to the point of quitting work and seeing a psychiatrist who put me on 7 different medications that just had me sedated. A few months later the thought went away and a new one came along to completely ruin my life and disturb me like nothing else it was a sexual thought about me possibly hurting a child. I would read news all the time about stuff like that happening in the world and for some reason my brain pictured it and it got stuck it wouldn't go away I would cry for help I felt so lost and wrong for having that thought I couldn't understand why me I would never do anything like that the more I thought about how to get rid of it the worse it got to the point where I could not go to my sisters house because she has 3 little girls and I was horrified!! I spoke to my psychiatrist and he would just change my meds. A few months have gone by and I am doing a little better but Im really scared these thoughts might come back I feel so down sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. I keep thinking why did this happen to me! I want to read stories of others that have gone through the same as me please help me understand I feel like nobody in my family knows how horrible this is they don't really understand that's why I came on here so others that have gone through the same as me help me please!

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8 Replies

I'm hoping that cognitive behaviour therapy will help you. That's an awful lot of medication you're taking. It may be necessary, and I'm certainly not qualified to say whether it is or it isn't, but you don't want something that just leaves you sedated. Medication and therapy combined are often very effective though.

One of the things with OCD is that it attacks you via the things that mean most to you, such as your Christian faith. It is clear that you care for children, particularly for your nieces, and would never do anything to harm a child. But OCD likes to make you doubt. The fact is that people with this type of OCD are very safe around children, in part because they are so horrified by harm to children. Don't feel that you can't go to your sister's or be with your nieces: they are perfectly safe with you.

Some famous theologians, including John Bunyan and Martin Luther have left documents which indicate that they may have suffered from the sort of 'blasphemy' OCD that you have. So please don't think that you're alone in this, or that there is something wrong with your attitudes to your faith. There are some case histories in Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and I attach a file you can download.

Do read the whole thing as well, as it will explain how OCD likes to put doubt in your mind and manipulate and bully you.

I do hope that your therapist can help. Always remember that OCD is a fluctuating condition and that you won't always feel as bad as you do now.

Ddpg94 profile image
Ddpg94 in reply to Sallyskins

Hi thank you so much for your response it really helped me although I have been told sort of the same thing many times I feel like it goes in one ear and comes out the other and the next day I am back again to feeling so wrong and bad about these thoughts. I am no longer taking that many medications just one antidepressant which is helping out a bit but slowing me down at the same time that's the only thing I don't like about it. I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist and hopefully going will help! I thank God I found this website and know that I am not alone in this thank you so much for your response I really appreciate it. I will be updating on how I do with the therapy and the medication.

Sallyskins profile image
Sallyskins in reply to Ddpg94

Do let us know how you get on!

Ddpg94 profile image
Ddpg94 in reply to Sallyskins

Hello I am currently on my third day of new medication for depression and anxiety. I feel kind of sick maybe its the withdrawal from the last medication. Today I woke up and felt like I didn't want to do anything. This past week has been bad I cry almost everyday. I can nearly stand being with my mom because I feel mad at her and just want to cry I feel like she's my mom she needs to help this go away, I know its crazy she can't make this go away but that's how I feel. I also feel so anxious because I tell my boyfriend everything he is so understanding every thought I have I feel like if I don't say it to someone I can't go on I don't know why I am like this but my brain has literally gotten to the point where sometimes it makes me think super ridiculous things that I can't even say out loud because I am embarrassed. He is so good about it he always tells me just say it I won't judge you but then my brain trys to think of something worse!! I am tired of living like this I am just glad I have him by my side. Sometimes I wake up and feel like my life has no meaning whatsoever. I am so scared of my mind. I have been going to therapy but the last time I went he just put on some videos on CBT and we did a worksheet and that was it, I don't know if its helping me. I want my life back I want to be happy again and I Don't want to take medication anymore I feel like I am destroying my brain and my body.

Sallyskins profile image
Sallyskins in reply to Ddpg94

It's good that you have such an understanding partner. Remember that everyone has some weird thoughts but most people don't attach any importance to them, and let them come and go. Having OCD makes you attach undue importance to what is really meaningless. And some people's OCD includes a compulsion to say things out loud.

Don't be afraid of being on medication. Most medication for OCD, which is usually an SSRI antidepressant, is very safe, and though some people have side effects and some people don't really get on with it. But is isn't likely to harm your brain or body. I have been on medication for many years. I take an SSRI antidepressant and have been on it a while, and before that I took an older antidepressant called clomipramine, which worked well but made me feel half asleep. People are usually happy to take medication for their heart or other organs, so why not for the brain?

It does take several weeks, at least a couple and more like four weeks, for medication to kick in. It's normal to feel quite grotty until it does. But if and when it starts working properly, you should feel a big improvement.

Try not to blame your mom. She no doubt wants the best for you, and could be a big support to you if you give her a chance. Try to give yourself a break as well. Feeling as you do it is quite normal to feel like you don't want to do anything much. It might help to start with little things, like a few light household chores or something that you enjoy, just to get you in the frame of mind to want to do more.

Keep on with the CBT therapy if you can. It could be that your therapist was just giving you an introduction to it, and that the real work will get underway in subsequent sessions. It's really effective if you can do it.

It sounds as though you do have things in your life that are really worthwhile in your boyfriend, your sister and nieces and your mom. They are surely worth a lot. Make the most of this support network and gradually you should realize that there is a lot of meaning in your life.

I know just exactly what you mean about the blasphemous intrusive thoughts. Mine started a month ago and have created so much stress and anxiety that my quality of life has started to suffer badly. I was going through some stress over a bad relationship but nothing too serious. One night I was sitting pondering the stress from the relationship and a horrible thought about God popped loudly into my head out of nowhere and literally scared me to death. I have been a born again Christian for 30 years. My faith is my identity. I’ve taught Sunday school, Bible school and in addition to regular weekly church attendance also attend numerous Bible studies.I haven’t done anything about the intrusive thoughts because I thought they would just stop. No counseling and no medication currently but I am having these horrible intrusive phrases pop into my head 10 to 12 times a day and they cause anxiety at night as I’m waking up due to restless sleep and the thought pops into my brain. I hate this and hate myself and will do anything for it to stop. Sorry I don’t have any advice. Just know you are not alone and are not a bad person. From what I’ve read this is a “common” problem concerning the theme of intrusive thoughts. I hope it just helps to know people do understand.

Hi there. You are definitely not alone with this dreadful affliction! For many, many years I have had intrusive thoughts related to lesbianism. I am not gay, yet I live almost daily with fears that 'I might be a lesbian'. I have avoided relationships with men over this because I feared that I might be being fraudulent if I dated/married them. Then, after the break-up I would feel so sad, so empty, so lonely because I missed that person I left behind. I even divorced my husband as a result of this OCD illness.

So, yes, OCD takes many forms to instill us with self-doubt. I can understand your desperation because those intrusive thoughts seem so real. Now, after many years of feeling shame and fear I am speaking up and out about OCD. Homophobia of this nature is not the same thing as disliking gay people; it is a fear-based illness rooted in some form of trauma. I was raised in a very, very strict Catholic environment which was entirely intolerant of any form of sexual expression, so I am not surprised my OCD manifested as a sexual phobia. We can't cure each other on this site, but we can reassure each other that we are not alone. Let's walk this walk in unison. Sheila

I think that in addition to your background, being afraid that you are gay as a form of OCD is a sort of attack on your identity. Our sexuality is part of our identity, and if OCD attacks you this way, it is making you unnecessarily question who you are and undermining your own perception of yourself.

It's good to speak out about OCD. Too many people simply think of it as being obsessively neat and tidy, but there are many forms and other people need to know this.

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