Hello! Me and my game of ping pong with OCD!

[missberry88]

Hi, I'm new here and trying to be brave in sharing this. *takes deep breath* I was recently diagnosed with OCD after the birth of my fourth son. I've had underlying OCD traits for a long time but managed well without even noticing them all until last December when this illness stole my Christmas, New Years and time away from my children. It began with one thought of harm to a friend that triggered a downward spiral into the worst experience of my life. That one thought bounced around my mind without mercy. The thoughts turned to my children and the dreaded 'what ifs...' Consumed me. This harm OCD then turned to OCD of a sexual nature due to a conversation that brought up a topic I feared and that although I'm told this a is common thought still makes my skin crawl and I can't even bring myself to write it down in detail. The guilt of even having this type of thought and the disgust have been a like living in a nightmare. Feeding on my worst fears it's left me at moments wanting to take the quick route out and praying for cancer instead of this! It got to the point I wouldn't even cuddle my own children, I wouldn't hold my newborn, or look at them, it was breaking my heart and I couldn't make it through the day without full fledged panic attacks, the thought that I must be a horrible person just replayed over and over. I was the women sat in the hospital corridor crying, not able to breath, with a receptionist stood with me in case I blacked out waiting for the dr, in a full panic attack, convinced I must be going mad. It's made me question everything and I'm still very much at the beginning of my recovery.

I'm in CBT counselling which has already helped me take some very proactive steps in reclaiming my mind. I have physical health issues to but was also diagnosed with IBS linked to this, loosing 3.5 stone since Christmas Eve and still no appetite and being in and out of hospital with severe stomach pain, constipation, dehydration four times since Christmas Eve also. I have researched until my eyeballs are dry from looking at my phone screen because I reassurance seek and avoid (my two main compulsions) even though I know the answers to what I'm looking for, I have to keep reading and researching, clicking on more links to more stories, desperately looking for that one piece of information that will be my 'a-ha' moment that will make this all feel better and go away.

Truth is I know it has to come from me, I have to apply the tools I'm learning and it has to be the work I put in. This illness is like being in a game of ping pong, the moment I feel I have the upper hand the ball gets smashed back and hits me in the face, I get up and serve the ball back praying that it's done but nope the ball just keeps getting hit back no matter how many point I score. It's up to me to put the bat down and walk away and say 'game over OCD' but at the moment I'm still holding that bat to afraid to put it down yet.

Sorry for rambling but basically wanted to say Hello, this is me and I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this illness X