I wish I was blessed with the ability to remain positive but I just ain't one of those people. When the steroid injection wore off I chased the hospital up for my Methotrexate prescription, knowing that it takes up to 12 weeks to kick in I wondered what the heck I was going to do in the meantime for some sort of relief as I couldn't have another injection. Any road up I got it and picked up my tablets on Christmas Eve. I got them out the packet, looked at them, put them back. Then decided I would wait until Monday so that I could have a drink on Christmas Day and some family were coming on Boxing Day I didn't want to be bad and any more miserable than I was already.. So I couldn't be that desperate could I?
Christmas Day and Boxing Day passed in a fog. Everything in slow motion and I felt like I had withdrawn right inside myself. I still went out to work, did what I could and "acted" normal. All the time I wanted to scream. No-one had any time for me. My partner was so busy on the farm, had started lambing, the kids were busy visiting people and boy/girlfriends family, doing stuff. I was just shuffling along on my own, wallowing in self pity, crying at the drop of a hat, in pain. I spent an hour every morning, hot, shower, piling creams on my joints, waiting for the spirit to move me into action, I was so lonely.
Yet it seemed such a big decision to take the bloody tablets. I kept reading the instruction leaflet and looking on the internet trying to find out all about them. It all sounded so horrendous. I don,t even like taking paracetamol and here I was chucking painkillers down my throat like they were going out of fashion and about to embark on a course of tablets so toxic... to start taking them meant facing up to the fact that I had the disease an it was all real. To realise things would never be the same again. And no-one was interested. I had all this going on inside me and no-one to talk to about it. The NRAS forum, was the only place I could speak my mined. All the good advice and messages of support got me out of my hole helped me through those dark days. I had to take this disease my the scruff of the neck and start doing some thing about it
It took me until the Tuesday to finally decide to take them. Tuesday 28th December 2010. No going back. Could no longer kid myself that perhaps it wasn't RA hoping and thinking it might be something else? No such flipping luck.