Am I in the right place

Am I in the right place

Its 5 in the morning, been awake for an hour and I feel like I have come full circle.

I don't feel any better now than I did before my diagnosis. I know I have felt worse,

My positive resolve is in great danger of crumbling.

Perhaps it is the other things I have had to deal with outside of my health.

Do I have RA?

Why do I always have questions I wanted answered on a Friday night when I know I can't see anyone or talk to anyone until Monday?

I know by the time Monday comes, I will probably feel a bit better, so won't do anything anyway.

I feel out of the loop, or is it, I feel loopy - not sure.

Can't blame the medication, I am not taking any - well apart from the obnoxious - sorry noxious Metho. Oh and the Fluoxetine, Oh and the Oxybutynin.

I feel like giving up - but I shan't (sorry bad grammar).

All that deep breathing and relaxation trying to be positive....

Ah buggeritt I am back off to bed to wallow in comfort... Night

Julie xxx

23 Replies

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  • Dear Julie. I am sorry to hear this.. im am more priveldged to know that you have other"stuff" going on think this is why you are feeling like this??. stress?

    I had noticed your blogging had increased in frequency.. and my tongue in cheek comment is true.. think you need some attention/ support out side your home environment.. mind you im good on this psycological stuff I just muddle through.. almost two years into my diagnosis??!.. ra/ IA still awaitig counselling!.may be some would help you?

    Alison xx

  • should say no good on this pyscological stuff!!. this damn computer key board!!

  • Thanks Ali. I think you have a point. Busy time on the farm this time of year, Mrs Silageman and son and heir out all day. Only see them briefly (if I'm lucky). Daughter has been on days this week, so not seen much of her and rastus...

    Got an invite to lunch with a neighbour next week, so that will be nice. Feeling a bit less stressed now but going to hit the painkillers because. I recognise the need to talk outside the family and I need to start to get out and do stuff, fatigue permitting.

    Thanks again. take care.

    Julie xxx

    P.S. Having used your keyboard, I can verify that it has a life of it's own!!!

  • Hi Julie hope by now you have managed some sleep.

    We all know where you are at with 'your positive resolve crumbling', we have all been there. It's all part of the RA. In reality only people with RA can really understand just how you are feeling.

    That being said, even if by Monday you are feeling a bit better please make an appointment to see your GP or talk to your rheumy team.

    If you had read your 'blog' written by someone else what would you have advised them to do?

    I asked myself this question recently due to the extreme pain I was in. I saw my GP and also spoke to my rheumy nurse, was prescribed stronger pain killers and must admit life doesn't seem quite as bad as it did.

    If you can restore 'your positive resolve' perhaps it will help you to cope better with your other problems.

    Meantime, we are all here for you.

    xxxx

  • Thanks Judi. Wise words and I will contact my Rheummy nurse come what may on Monday.

    Julie x

  • Of course I don't know what else is going on for you Julie but really understand the middle of the night questioning of it all. Everyone tells me that painkillers are the right thing to take when in pain so I think you should get back to them - life's hard enough without us trying to make rules and stick to them. My new rule is that if it works take it/ do it and never mind the principles. But as it happens mostly pain relief just blocks me up - which in turn stops my weight loss and feeling of well being that I aspire to! You have a diagnosis of RA so maybe just go with that and stop being so hard on yourself. My GP reluctantly gave me sleeping tablets at my request but I'm only allowing myself one a week for now. Maybe resolve will crumble on that too but they only work for one night and then the next without is hellish as mine was last night. Just be gentle on yourself and keep blogging! Tilda x

  • Yes, I think if you take your eye off the ball, which is so easily done, then before you know it... overcooked myself and in pain again. That was the object of my blog. It seems you have to be constantly thinking about yourself, what you are doing, what it is doing to you, which is not really in our natures is it?

    Ah well, we learn from experience....

    Julie xx

  • Tilda - on Tramadol pain killers which tend to block me up. I have found a good handful of red grapes or about 8 to 10 nice red plums sort it out! (Fried onions are good too)

  • Yes! Grapes are good!

  • I think when we are in the depth of pain it really is difficult to see any further than your eyelids, the pain does eventualy subside a bit anyway but personally I think you did the right thing by comming on here and having a good rant about it where you know you have friends, Did you sleep when you returned to your slumber? I hope the day gets a bit better as it goes on for you.

    Take care

    Philip

  • Hi Philip, I am glad I blogged this morning!!! It does make you feel better when you have feedback and you know you are in the company of like minded people. Thanks

    Julie xx

  • Dear julie,

    I understand where your coming from my luv.There are times when i feel like giving up, so i know where your at. My only believe in all this pain is that god only gives us what we can cope with. I must admit that at times i've wondered what i've done to deserve this. No i'm not a church going zealot, i just believe that there is something more out there than what the church has us to believe. I have to give up when the pain is really bad, so i say sod it and wallow until it passes. I hope that when you get up again you will feel brighter, i won't say better as those with ra know thats not the case.

    Today my hubby is taking me to the national arboritum in tamworth area, to visit the grounds. As my hubby is an ex soldier this should be a day of quiet thoughts and i might get my head around all whats going on with my health.

    I wish you a brighter day and i will look on here when i get back and tell you all about it. Tomorrow i'll get grace to upload photos for you to view.

    Take care. sylvia. xx

  • I think there is something else "out there" two, but I am not religious. Having been convinced I "met" my dad after his death I am even more convinced now! i am going to vegetate today because I think I have done enough worrying and typing and phone calling and deciding and arguing the toss.

    Thanks Sylvi

    Julie xx

  • Julie.. hope these lovely people are helping.. feel free tocontact me if you like.. got home from food shopping and postie had tossed a brown packet through my little top open window (clever postie!) my sun glasses and thank you for your note!>>I reply in your words to you..chin up xx

  • Goodness that was quick! You have very obliging and inventive postie - quick marry him - unless of course he is a woman!

    I am relaxerating today (new word for the Oxford English Dictionary), thank you.

    You take care too Julie xx

  • hello this is my first time on here

    i feel exactly the same i was diagnosed in june but i am finding it very hard to accept the pain and the unknown my consultant tells me to keep positive my husband says this also but i feel that unless you have it you dont understand it but chin up every one at least we know we have it and it being treated now we have to try to be strong and just do our best but i know that on a bad day i can not think like that and it is very hard even after telling self tomorrow is another day xxx

  • Hi BG, welcome and thank you yes, you are right, unless you experience it, it is hard to explain and for anyone else to imagine.

    My other half has had a good insight into what is like by attending with me at my RA Education classes, which have been a big help - run by my local OT dept.

    Onward and upward or something like that

    Julie x

  • Hi ,bigmommy !My birth certificate says rowley regis I was born in Kingswinford xx

    Welcome and it is hard I have just woke from an hour and a half nap(got tired having friends round in the afternoon!)

    Alison

  • Hi Julie, sorry you feel so bad. 5 a.m. is not a good time to consider the meaning of life, the universe, etc. Hope you feel better soon. I know when I have bad days I feel really low, in pain, feel like kicking the cat, hubby or anyone or thing within reach! I find music helps a lot or phoning a friend for a chat. Dragging myself out into the garden on a reasonably warm day just to soak up some sunshine as well. I read, listen to the radio,make myself a really scrumptious cup of hot chocolate, indulge a bit. Go with the flow honey - it can only get better. Love and best wishes. LavendarLady xx

  • Thank you dear Dottie. Yes that mug of choccie always helps. The weather was so C*** this morning here enough to make me retract into my shell...

    I am going to indulge in that mug of hot chocolate now and be off to beddie byes, two painkillers and relaxation tape. Night

    Julie xxx

  • Hi Julie, hope it worked! Love LL (Dottie)

  • It most certainly did, had a good 8 hours or so, and feel so much better, thank you xxx

  • Anxiety is your problem now because of fear. Nights are bad with RA. Hang in there and the anxiety isnt helping. Relax as pain is better than some of the drugs they put you on. Be carefull of that and get a good doctor!

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