Day 4

[nsd_user663_57918]

Feeling good, slept well for the past 2 nights and anxiety is almost gone. I know it will probably return next month but I will be ready and will also have the GP on board which is going to be a bonus. Spending a lot of time at the hospital at the moment which is depressing in itself so am making a plan of activities whilst I am there to make the days go smoother. I feel a little guilty saying that as its not me that has the cancer but I feel unless I bouy myself up I will be no help and will just moan all day and be snappy, which is what I do NOT want to be. I also get a guilt trip about quitting when my mum needs me most and when I am down I think its best to quit when all this is over with BUT it really would be just another excuse. Over the past 4 days I have not had very many cravings at all and the odd ones I did have were laughable so I think the 5 + weeks of quitting before I relapsed have helped in that dept. My patch is now trimmed down to 3/4 and I will probably stay on that until next month has passed so that I can fight 1 battle at a time. I have never had a problem coming down or off patches before but I can see that I have had problems with anxiety and feeling down and this is the 1st time when quitting that I can see why I went back on the fags every relapse. Every time I quit I read that people would say they felt like having ''JUST ONE'' and I was always puzzled because I never felt that, ever !! I always felt ''OH I CANT DO THIS I MAY AS WELL GO BACK TO SMOKING FULL TIME '' and off I'de go into the smokescreen and I'd drop the forum or quit clinic and close my eyes to what was happening. This time is different as I did not drop the forum, in fact I was reading peoples past quit posts over the few days I was attempting to make myself smoke in order to feel better, which I didn't. I couldn't post as laptop was dead and trying to obtain my password in order to log on with my new device proved hard but I got back in the end. The reason I relapsed was not because I wanted a fag, it was because I wanted something to lift me out of the anxious state I had got myself into. It simply didn't work as I truly do hate smoking. I am now happy again and making plans for the month ahead.

Thanks for being there all you lovely lovely people as it helps so much xx

[nsd_user663_60964]

Morning Gerti

In view of everything you have to cope with at present I think you're doing amazingly well- I really do. In fact, I positively stand in awe of you. It would be so, so easy to use nicotine as a crutch under your very difficult circumstances and it speaks volumes for your determination and committment that you're not allowing any of it to derail your quit especially in view of the added bummer of the periodic bouts of anxiety. I'll bet your dear mum is as proud as punch of you (as is all your family) and don't you dare go feeling guilty if you have the odd snappy moment. I am certain they'll understand and be cheering you on.

May today be a good day for all of you and please accept a large virtual hug from me.

[Sally6]

Gerti, so sorry to hear what a tough time you've been having but really well done for re-starting your quit so soon. You've clearly learnt from each attempt to quit. I used to make the same mistake every time. You are such a strong lady to keep going with your quit despite all the other things going on in your life at the moment, what a superstar you are.

[nsd_user663_4558]

Gerti you are going through a bad time but you seem to have developed some excellent coping strategies. Well done.

[nsd_user663_57918]

Thanks girls. That is what I think too Tea. About 10 yrs ago I quit for 3 mths, had a melt down and smoked for 3 days, didn't feel in the slightest bit better (same as this time) and went on to quit for a year (my best to date). Relapsed a year later after a serious incident at our home which I know are still excuses and I have learnt from that. During that year I felt the very best I have ever felt. I think I have a new mantra

Liar liar pants on fire xx

[nsd_user663_57918]

Day 6

Still feeling fine, no strong cravings, good sleeps (9 hrs last night) eating well and planning some treats for myself. Onwards and upwards

[nsd_user663_57918]

Yes nearly a whole week again TG I am chuffed with myself and am keeping busy.

Tea I plan to have 1 or 2 massages in our local beauticians. Never had them before but felt they may help me relax. £30 per massage (neck head and shoulders) is not bad considering how much I used to spend on the cancer sticks. I knit blankets, large chunky ones. Just finished one in pink chenille and we are donating it to the hospital for fundraising. I love all craft and hope to buy an embroidery machine this year x my photos always come out small !!! Good luck with the cardi n713369

[nsd_user663_57918]

Thanks Kat

I am doing a lunchiepoo tomorrow which is going to be fab. I have lots of furries too, would not be without my cats. Hopefully you can manage to have a nice pampering day soon, we so deserve it.

Does anyone know why my photos only come out small even when I choose he 'full size' option?

[nsd_user663_57918]

Thanks Kat I will look at tinypic x

[nsd_user663_57918]

One of our sons will often massage my neck and shoulders and he says my muscles seem locked, he is always horrified lol. I just want a professional to have a go and see how I feel. Its all rather strange as I have never really had this sort of pampering. Being a mum of 3 grown up children you seem to forget that you was a very important person once !! so maybe its the way to go.

I have been doing the extreme form of knitting with the great big cricket stump type knitting needles. It knits up quick and suits me down to the ground. I love embroidery Tea and have also done cross stitch over the years, my problem has always been that I get bored and distracted and I never used to finish anything but lately I have stuck with it

Would love to see a pic of your cardi once you've finished it xx