Maybe I shouldn't have stayed away!

Hello everyone,

Not that you've noticed, probably, but I've been taking a bit of a forum sabbatical to see if I would think of smoking less if I wasn't on here all the time.

And it worked for a while. But today and yesterday I just don't know what's come over me - I can think of no particular trigger, but I'm having to struggle so hard with myself not to go and buy a packet of tobacco. My demons are telling me that this quit was never going to be forever, and that it's a question of when I have a fag, not if.

There are so many positives to quitting and I've been doing just fine, only a week off five months quit, and now this tremendous yearning to smoke. WHAT is going on?

I can't remember the last time it was this hard. A couple of months ago, maybe. I think perhaps it's because I've strayed from the NSD fold that I'm suddenly getting weak and pathetic. So I'm scampering back to you all and begging my quit buddies for help. Tell me I'm not alone! How do I stifle this 'when not if' voice?

Hel x

12 Replies

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  • Hello Hel,

    Very sorry to hear that you are struggling with demons.

    I have today, asked two members who are on their second quit (after a long quit) why they began again. It is a question that I have needed answered since I began my quit even tho I don't know what I even want to hear from them

    I do not want to EVER smoke again o.k., not really true; if the doc said it was healthy I would stick one in every orifice and lite them. I cannot go thu the pain, suffering, moodiness, sleep problems, bowel problems, skin problems, gaining weight.......in quitting again.

    The pain of my quit is the only thing keeping me on the straight and narrow. Is that not enough to keep us quit, forever? Do we really forget how bad it really was (never forgot childbirth)

    Damn, this is the third thread I have hijacked today (sorry I have never started a thread and it now getting to be a point of pride) and I apologize Hel.

  • Hels - be strong, you can't allow 5 months hard work to be ruined for a moments weakness.

    Whatever your battles are good luck with them, and make sure you come out a winner

  • Actually, Hels, I have noticed you were gone.

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

    I also have this nagging thought in the back of my mind that it's not a matter of "IF" I will break, but "WHEN". I'm not as far along as you (I'm on day 80), but I've never stopped for even close to this long before and it's become sort of a contest with myself now. (i.e. I want to make day 100....then I'll set my next landmark).

    Of course there are no physical cravings anymore. Those are long long gone. Now it's just false memories of how enjoyable certain smokes were.

    Just remember and remind yourself that there was nothing truly enjoyable about them....other than feeding your addiction.

    Stay close to us.....keep reading.....reminding......remembering.....

  • Hi Helen

    Noooooooooo, you're one of my heroines on this site!

    So suggestions:

    [*]Go back to your first months posts and remember how you felt then. Do you really want to go back there?

    [*]Remember how proud you felt when you conquered some of the triggers? I was here when you posted about getting through an audition without even thinking about a cig

    [*]Drink LOTS of water. It's always worked for you before

    [*]Remember it's just those demons. You aren't really ever ever ever going to smoke again and here you are fast approaching 6 months and they've suddenly realised that and are fighting back

    It's become second nature to you, not smoking that is, and you've relaxed. Because you've relaxed - wham the demon strikes.

    You had a problem when the weather first changed into lovely sunshine. it's carried on like that so could this have something to do with it?

    I dont know and I'm probably being no help at all. Just don't do it sweet, it truly, really, honestly won't be worth it.

    Oh, and YES YOU"VE BEEN MISSED BIG TIME!

  • Hi Helen

    Dale has said it all really. Its quite shocking when it takes over your thoughts isnt it?

    Not sure how much more gritting my teeth I can take before they all drop out of my head:(

    Stick with it H, the feeling of failure and going back to smoking would be far worse for us than this xx

  • Hi Helen

    Dale has said it all really. Its quite shocking when it takes over your thoughts isnt it?

    Not sure how much more gritting my teeth I can take before they all drop out of my head:(

    Stick with it H, the feeling of failure and going back to smoking would be far worse for us than this xx

    Aww Royal are you having a rough time too?

    Remember that long weekend away you had and how happy you were? Think about how long it is for you now - 113 days I think you'll find WOOOOWEEE

    Think about how much faster/longer/more uphill walks you can do worth your lovely pooches! I'm soooo very ashamed to say that my new labs are far fitter than any of my previous 9 dogs, and I can only put it down to my smoking in the house and ruining their lungs - I HATE myself for that.

    If all else fails... pray for rain. Although I'll hate you forever if it works, as divers don't want to go diving in the rain (yeah I know...:rolleyes:)

    Oh and I do really good homemade tomato soup if you and Hels run out of teeth!

    xxxx

  • Ha thanks Dale, on and off been a bit of a mare too - there have been redundancies in work (nothing to do with me thank god) but lots of tears from people I have worked with for years - very stressful. Still hanging in there and will let you know if I need the soup :D

  • Greetings Helsbelles

    Just read your post sorry to hear you are feeling rough and Welcome back you have done really well in your quit, the demons as we know it always seem to try and disturb your piece of mind i felt like having a fag only yesterday i dont know why only that maybe i let my guard down for a split second. I am pleased to say i never had one . Why dont you have a look through your very first quit, and read them i believe this will help you to stay focused. We are all here for the same reason to find out if we are normal lol and to help each other in times of struggles. I hope you will continue with your quit because to get where you are you have done so well. I am only on week 11 but i so want to get past 3months. Best of luck and don't stay away Hel.

  • Oh, thankyou everyone. It's nice to be missed!

    And hello to Horse and the others I haven't properly said hi to before. Thankyou very much for the support.

    A three mile stride home and a packet of werthers chewy toffees got me through the worst today, just as it used to in the first few weeks. I really don't know what happened. I just had a morning of thinking 'who am I kidding, it's on the cards that I'll smoke again at some point, it might as well be now', which kind of warped and evolved into an all consuming desire for a fag.

    I have been sitting here reflecting, not so much on how far I've come - given my state of mind today, I can't really boast about that! - but about what got me started. Being so ill with the flu and consequent asthma that I had to literally fight for breath to get up three stairs. I had to sleep sitting upright. I was getting no oxygen, I was weak, I was panicked, my lips were going blue, I went down to under six and a half stone (and I'm five foot six and a bit)... it was appalling. Since I quit I've had no asthma. I don't cough, I don't wheeze, I can run (I don't, but I can!!). I CAN NOT BE THAT ILL AGAIN. It was too f***ing frightening for words. I know we all have to die, but that's not the kind of illness I want to carry me off at the end.

    So no, I won't smoke. I will get past it, like I've got past it before.

    But ... oh, man... I wish smoking and chocolate and curry and wine were really, really healthy and good for you.:rolleyes:

    Thanks again, everyone. I love you guys!

    H

  • Update

    Feeling better today - not over it, but better.

    I hope I haven't put newbies off with my rant. I honestly have been doing just fine. I've had ups and downs but on the whole it's been a steady march towards freedom. I can't and won't go back.

    It's just that yesterday my inner junkie grabbed me by the collar and got right in my face going 'SMOKE! SMOKE! SMOKE!'. I've seen others around this stage have that experience and crumble, and I was really scared I'd do the same.

    Just shows we can never be complacent, huh? Always be ready to smack your inner junkie down....

    Thanks again everyone.

    H xx

  • Glad you're having a better day

    So with you on the chocolate, curry fags and wine - if only :)

  • so so happy you made it through hels....i havent been on the forum much either...thanks for the reminder....we are getting to that half a year mark..dont give in hun!!

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