Going to be truthful and say that I am close to breaking point. 167 days in and I still have mental demons I can't seem to get rid of. The physical need has gone, but the allure and magnetism of smoking is still very much there.
I walk into a shop, see the packets lined up beautifully, each covered in a shiny wrapper. I imagine myself opening the seal, opening the lid, pulling out the paper bit (lol) and the smell of a fresh packet of cigarettes.
Previous quits show evidence that each time I have failed a quit, it has been around about now. I usually quit in Jan/Feb time, and start as soon as the sunny Spring days (usually in the pub) begin. Difference this time is I quit back in September - so this time I have way more to lose.
I'm not saying I'm going to smoke. I'm far too proud of my almost 6 months! I just want to get it out there how I'm feeling because it's driving me crazy! How can something so deadly and disgusting be so attractive? :confused:
Written by
nsd_user663_60406
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
^^^ Good advice from John, nearly a year quit with no blips and no stopping and starting quitting, he knows his onions would be a shame to give in now, I am dreaming of getting to 167 days quit!
Oh so sorry your feeling this way, but hang on in there you can achieve what seems impossible, I agree re read old posts, it may help.
It's so rotten feeling this way, but we have to go through the pain, to get our rewards .
I do desperately hope you can hang on for another day, tomorrow will be a new day for you.
The question is do you want or need to smoke?
If the answer is no. Do what you need to do to get you through to day, have a scream, cry, cream buns, what ever you are doing fantastic, hang on to your will power it will help I promis
As you say, it's purely psychological now but it doesn't make times like this any easier to deal with. There have been a lot of forum members struggling over the course of the past week or so and I am certain that much of it has to do with the change in seasons. All of us who quit in the autumn or winter are now dealing with all the new triggers associated with lengthening days, sunshine, sitting outside with drinks, etc, so it is no wonder that we're being hit with curved balls that make it feel like the early days again.
I really, really hope you can hold on. The logical half of you knows this will pass and that you can get through it just as you made it through those first difficult weeks- you just have to hold onto that with all your might and tell yourself until you're in the face that smoking is not an option.
I'm sure one of the resident gurus will be along soon to help with some real words of wisdom. Kat?? Max???...
In the meantime, I'm throwing all the positive vibes I can throw in your general direction.
Thank you to everybody that responded! As I've said many times before, I don't think I'd have made it this far without all of your quick and helpful posts.
I feel much better now and certainly have some demons I need to address. I've got plenty of great advice here to help me out. Going to order Allen Carr's book at some point to keep handy for moments of weakness. I can't lose this quit - I've come way too far for that.
ps hope this isnt where I find out that nobody else gets that jump off a buliding thing and I am proper odd!
Thank goodness it isn't just me! I avoid high places because I am scared that I will jump off. Paul Merton is the same, he disclosed his "fear" whilst doing a TV programme about China.......it came as quite a relief to know it wasn't just me!
Lewis......let us know how things are. We can cheer you along or we can drag you along; either way, we are here and happy to help.
Thank goodness it isn't just me! I avoid high places because I am scared that I will jump off. Paul Merton is the same, he disclosed his "fear" whilst doing a TV programme about China.......it came as quite a relief to know it wasn't just me!
Lewis......let us know how things are. We can cheer you along or we can drag you along; either way, we are here and happy to help.
Val
xxx
I'm soooo happy to hear that you guys have had those thoughts too - I thought it was just me!!!
Oh Lewis, I am feeling for you because I know what you are going through. I have been there myself. I hope you can get past this sticky patch because if you do, then the sun and beer gardens will not hold any fear for you in the future. The spring is a trigger for you but you can overcome it this time because you have a decent quit under your belt.
6 months is no mean feat and you have done brilliantly.
Keep going Lewis, you want to quit otherwise you wouldn't keep trying, so dig in and get through this sticky patch to the freedom you have worked so hard for.
There's tons of people I'd like to quote and thank individually, but you all know how much I appreciate and value your support.
Now, the jumping thing. That is EXACTLY how it feels. There is a huge aspect of danger that makes smoking somewhat alluring. Last night I had an opportunity to smoke, I didn't take it, but I so wanted to.
I was at the hospital. Me and my chain-smoking aunt had to go with my nan and I was with her all day. I went out with her for 'fresh' air and the thought of asking her for one was so tempting. I look to my side and there's two men, mid-to-late 50s in wheelchairs - smoking. The sounds that came out of them were disgusting. Coughing, spluttering, the inability to breathe. In that moment of weakness, that was my motivation.
It's in my character to do things I shouldn't. So I probably will struggle for a very long time. But right now, I'm still an ex-smoker!
I look to my side and there's two men, mid-to-late 50s in wheelchairs - smoking. The sounds that came out of them were disgusting. Coughing, spluttering, the inability to breathe.
Oh, my........that could be you, Lewis. It could be me. It could be any of us if we don't stay quit. That is just hideous. I am in my late 50s, have smoked for over 40 years and dread to think what damage I may have done to my poor body.
But "thank you" Lewis, for posting that.......it is a reminder to us all of what smoking can do.
.....and "well done" to you for staying quit through it all........these are all battles won and lessons learned and they'll help enormously going forward!
Lewis you have a lot on ur plate and it's all about the time thing... Like you said if u were 1/2 months in you would of smoked, 6 months is a massive achievement, hats off to you aswell for not asking your aunty, the temptation must of been overwhelming, listen to haze56 she talks lots of sense, well done for keeping it up xxx
A quick update on this situation. My mind is completely split in two. Half of me is telling me to smoke, the other keeps telling me how I've got too far to throw it away now.
The smoker in me keeps saying the cliche'd 'you only live once, ***** it!' crap and that there's no point in prolonging my life. Then the ex-smoker is reminding me how well I've done, too well to throw it away and how disgustingly bad for me smoking is.
So yeah, I'm going through a bit of a conflict in my head at the moment. IF (a huge huge HUGE if) I were to lose my quit, you guys would be the first to know about it.
Don't lose it Lewis. Like Helene said, remember those two blokes in their 50's at the hospital. That could so easily be you somewhere down the line. Don't let that happen.
You're going through a bad time at present but realistically, you know smoking ain't going to make it any easier to cope with. It'll just become another thing dragging you down.
Please hold on, Lewis. Just keep posting and hold on. We're all with you.
I seriously feel for you... I blew it after 11 weeks and am gutted to be back at day 2.... To lose it at 6 months will be soul destroying, really hope u can stay the course xxx
Keep battling on and it WILL be worth it! Your mind is remembering the "good" things you enjoyed about smoking before. The smell of a fresh pack, the "relaxing" feeling after the first few drags etc. But you need to concentrate on all the things you really hated about smoking and remember that these are the reality (I'm sure you can drag up a long list :rolleyes:).
Don't give in!! It will be so worth your hard work and effort in the long run. Yes, maybe there doesn't seem a point in prolonging life and I also used to tell myself "life is short, I may as well enjoy it", but it will become harder and harder to believe that as you get older and realise that there are so many downsides to sticking with the cigs.
Here if you need Just try to remember how disappointing that first cigarette would be. So not worth it! Do anything you must to stay away. A walk, a bath, eating sweeties/sucking lollipops, reading. Anything!
God knows what I'd do without your responses, so thanks! I think I am at that point where I just think 'sod it', but I keep reminding myself of how terrible it would feel to throw it all away and end up having to pay extortionate prices for cigarettes. Not only that, the price of bad health.
Remember the 'you only live once' part of my mind, isn't the rational part of me, so when I say that, I mean no disrespect to those who have lost friends and family before their time due to smoking related illness.
My nan is currently still in hospital and to be brutally honest, she probably won't leave. Which is devastating, but she has no quality of life whatsoever. I said to my mum earlier, if I were a smoker, I'd be chaining like crazy right about now. But instead, I have to be strong and deal with this as a non-smoker!
I know you meant no disrespect. I for one taught also: I am not hurting anyone else like the drink can ( my father was killed by a drunk driver). Also, I used to say: my only vice, my life.
I know how hard it is when someone is in the hospital like your nan. Devastating for them and for us.
You are at the moment in a high level of stress/anxiety. The symptom are very similar to the quit. Our heart is braking. We want a quick fix.
I am going to ask a very hard question. Can your nan still speak? if so, talk to her about your feeling, your love, your stress with the quit or anything else that shows she is still an important part of your life and decision making. (If she was of course). Maybe she can help you. Maybe she can give you an extra dose of strength.
Worse case scenario: do you have Nicorette gum, inhalator or something similar to give a quick fix that is not a puff of cigarette?
At least, gum, bottle of water always handy?
Hang in there,
Hélène
Unfortunately not Hélène. She's very limited vocally; usually just the odd word or question that often don't make much sense. She still knows who I am though. We had a scare last night thinking we were going to lose her and she's still not 'stable'. Decisions had to me made regarding her care and I'm trying my best to stay strong, mainly for my mum since she is facing losing her mother.
I was considering a 0mg e-cig for times of emergency or to simply just enjoy as an alternative, but I was warned off them by a few members on the forum. I definitely wouldn't want to use anything that contained nicotine, since I believe my cravings are more habitual rather than the need for nicotine.
Last night I was given many opportunities to smoke. My cousin and aunt both asked if I wanted one and I said, 'as much as I'd like to, no thank you'. Not going to lie; the temptation was there.
Lewis to be honest if you are really tempted I would use a nicotine free ecig.
That is so much better than a real fag. When you feel more positive you can get rid of it xxx
For the meantime I'll continue as I am, but if it came to a point in which I could lose my quit, I would. I do spend the most part of days not thinking of smoking at all, it's just in those times of worry and stress that I really feel the need to.
For the meantime I'll continue as I am, but if it came to a point in which I could lose my quit, I would. I do spend the most part of days not thinking of smoking at all, it's just in those times of worry and stress that I really feel the need to.
Hi Lewis,
Sorry to hear that you're still struggling at the moment.
I reached the stage, about two months into my quit, when I was waiting for the inevitability that I would fail. It was my least favourite part of my whole quit, worse than the first few weeks. Most of the day I would sail through, feeling okay, but those moments when the cravings hit were horrific. I got stuck in a sort of limbo, too stubborn to give in but just wanting it to be over so I could tell people I failed.
Eventually, after a couple of torturous weeks, I went out and bought some cigarettes. I was so ready to just stop fighting, but I still couldn't!! Something in my head obviously didn't want it. :rolleyes: It was a really tough few minutes of thinking "do I really want this?" and "yes, as long as this feeling stops!", and I had no idea what I was supposed to do to get out of the miserable cloud I'd walked into.
But it got easier each day from there. I'd accepted that I didn't want to fail, even though such a big part of me thought the opposite. And so I read as many positive things I could about quitting, I came on here a lot, I read Allan Carr and I just really tried to be positive and proud.
I will never regret that decision. Boy, am I proud that I fought that horrible feeling!! :p I have no idea if this post helps you at all, but I always found relating to others was the best way to get through the worst of it.
Keep plodding, things will feel better soon. You just have to have faith in yourself.
Of course I will keep posting because you guys are my motivation. I would hate to have to make that dreaded thread saying 'I failed'. Today is a much better day in terms of me wanting a cigarette, starting to feel like I did earlier on in my quit.
Last night I had a dream (/nightmare) that I had a pack of 20 and I was going outside for a smoke constantly throughout. My friend that quit with me was so disappointed and the dream overall was pretty distressing. I kept waking up just to make sure it wasn't real, that I hadn't really blown my quit.
It's 2 days until I hit 6 months exactly. I think then it will feel more real. How could I ever smoke again after managing 6 whole months? Even better, half a year. Then the next milestone to hit is the big 200. Only 165 days away from what I believe is a true non-smoker - a year without a cig.
I think if I weren't a member of this forum, I'd have smoked by now. So I literally owe you my life. At the age of 20, smoking or not smoking really does determine the quality of my future. The same as those guys I saw at the hospital (the chain-smoking ones with the combined lung capacity of 2%), if they never smoked, what would they be doing now? Certainly not standing outside of a hospital, smoking and wheelchair bound. Not to mention the sounds that were coming from them.
Again, I'll keep posting until I am back on track and I really do appreciate the time you've all taken to post and keep me quit.
Much better. Haven't really thought about smoking at all today. Although I did mention it to my mum when walking up 7 flights of stairs that I'd have struggled to do that 6 months ago.
I've realised for me, it's going to be an ongoing battle, but I'm still quit so that must mean something. If I truly wanted to smoke, I would have already. Think it's the shame that's stopping me more than anything. The stupidity of doing something so expensive, dangerous and useless.
I was meant to quote this to Helene (apologies for the lack of accents), but I thank you all for being there through this tough few weeks. Not long until my 6 months post!
I don't know you and I'm not a regular on here anymore but I've just been reading this thread so I hope you won't mind me intruding.
6 months now, that's a long time and you know now that you can face whatever life throws at you without smoking. You have achieved so much and done so well.
Don't look back, you've done all the hard work now and if you're anything like me you'll know it's been worth it.
Whatever life throws at me (and I'm sure there'll be plenty...good and bad) I know I'll never turn to smoking again because I know it will do absolutely nothing to help me. I honestly used to think I would NEVER be able to say that but I know it's true. We are only fooling ourselves by thinking smoking eases any difficult times we're going through, I know that now.
I'm in a similar situation to you with an elderly and very dear relative at the moment and, much as it hurts to feel so helpless, I'm not thinking of smoking - I know it would be so easy to go back and undo all the hard work I put into quitting but it would solve nothing.
Just checking in to let everyone know that I'm still smoke free. My nan passed away on Wednesday and as distressing as the time was, smoking was the last thing I thought about. Leaving her side every 5 minutes to smoke would have made me feel pretty guilty!
She's at peace now though, which I'm happy about, because during her last months she wasn't herself and it would have only have gotten worse.
Proud of myself though, because my nan meant the world to me and I thought I'd never be able to cope when she passed. It really hasn't been awful at all, she slipped away peacefully and we were all to and from her bedside so she was never alone. I always thought to myself 'the day my nan dies, I will no doubt need a cigarette' but I didn't!
I know it was expected and (cliche though it is) a 'happy release' but it doesn't make it any easier. I am so glad you were with her at the end, that it was peaceful and that it is over. Your granny will be proud of you and what you have achieved and she will always be with you in spirit.
I've been there (both grandparents, my parents and my sister) and I know what you mean about it not being awful at all, how ever much you miss them afterwards.
Well done for not smoking- having got through that you won't now, I am certain of it. Many condolences on your loss...
Hi Lewis, your post brought tears to my eyes, I am so sorry for your loss but I am also proud of you:)You have been very brave through an awful time and it could not have been easy.
As has been said above your nan would be very proud of her brilliant grandson
Keep going now Lewis, you have to now, after all the hard work.
Ah Lewis I am very sorry to hear about your nan.... Grandparents are very precious I thought the world of mine, you have really had to battle with it these last few weeks in more ways than 1, really well done for not losing your quit and sticking with it, your nan would be very very proud of you I'm sure xxx
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
would be a shame to give in now, I am dreaming of getting to 167 days quit! 
Paul Merton is the same, he disclosed his "fear" whilst doing a TV programme about China.......it came as quite a relief to know it wasn't just me! 
Day 10 nearly over- yey! Lonely though :-(
Time to quit for good
Only Day 2 and going crazy already!
