140 days - Feeling weakness for the first time

Hey,

For those that remember my previous posts, all of them have been pretty positive in terms of my quit, but I also said in them all that I wouldn't take anything for granted. Trust me when I say this, the easier it gets, the more curiosity seeps into your mind and we all know what curiosity did to the cat...

Today and for the past few days that smokers mindset seems to have crept up on me unexpectedly. I am suddenly questioning my quit and really craving a cigarette. I see people smoking and think...'why can they smoke and I can't?' and I have no idea why but I actually feel teary writing this! It's like I'm almost longing for one.

I don't know what to do. It's like something is whispering in my ear saying 'just smoke, your life is worthless anyway - what do you have to live for?' It's really bizarre. I feel like the nicodemon we talk about so often isn't just merely personification of the addiction - it feels very real to me right now.

There's a lot more to it, and this thread is probably very muddled, but that's how my head feels right now. I can't even concentrate on what I am trying to type.

Lewis

16 Replies

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  • Aww I'm sorry you're struggling :(

    it's probably because it's been so long since you quit - all the reasons why you stopped seem a bit distant!!

    You *know* smoking won't help - you'll end up either smoking until it kills you or until you quit and go through the first crappy weeks again - neither of which are good options.

    And those smokers you envy, well they're not smoking because it feels fab - it doesn't, they smoke to feel normal. The buzz is only the same as when you stop beating your head on a wall - nothing brilliant about that!!

    All I can suggest is read Allen Carr, and take it gently. You don't need to spend a load of money killing yourself and making yourself stink!!

  • Thanks for the quick responses - you guys always gave me brilliant advice at the beginning of my quit. I knew I had to post here asap because I know it's the only place I'll get honest advice from people that truly understand.

    I'm not going to say I've suddenly overcome this and that you've made me see the light, but you've certainly given me a lot to think about. Can you believe, I even found myself googling things like 'is smoking as bad as they say?' JUST to find an excuse to smoke.

    There's no way I'm going to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes, I usually ruin a quit by waiting for an opportunity that I'm in the company of a smoker and asking for one and fortunately I have no plans to be!

    Going to find myself a distraction and hopefully move on from this. So weird how foggy my head feels, almost like my first week.

  • Thanks for the quick responses. I knew I had to post here asap because I know it's the only place I'll get advice from people that truly get it.

    I'm not going to say I've suddenly overcome this and that you've made me see the light, but you've certainly given me a lot to think about. Can you believe, I even found myself googling things like 'is smoking as bad as they say?' JUST to find an excuse to smoke.

    That's how the addiction works unfortunately, it's insidious - and one of the reasons I wanted to stop!!

    You're going to have to take it a day, an hour, whatever at a time until you build up some security again - like Max says smoking isn't an option!!

    Read this too, it might help :) talesfromthequit.com/jailbreak

  • I am in awe of your 140 day quit so I don't kow who I am to give advice! I do recognise your symptoms from last week though and previous attempts. I think you hit the nail on the head in your first sentence, it's curiosity. The first few months when we think about smoking we crush any thought of smoking or celebrate the fact that we don't need to do it anymore and we know we're doing the right thing. Then we forget about it and it becomes more fleeting and that opens the door a crack.

    You are doing so well and I think you know the answer yourself, you've got to get your head right again. Can you take some time out and remind yourself of all the reasons you quit and the fact that the people you're envying are so jealous of you because you don't smoke. How much have you saved since you quit? What have you bought?

    Sue

  • Thanks Gemma, I'll give that a read! It really isn't an option, because I know I'll go back smoking a pack a day!

    @ Sue D - That's exactly how it feels - the negatives of smoking are now a distant memory and all I can focus on are those moments I enjoyed a cigarette. Lighting up on a summers day, sat in a Spanish bar smoking freely. I forget about the times I've had to stand outside in the pouring rain, struggling to get a light, holding it under my jacket or illegally standing in a doorway to quickly spark up.

  • Thanks Gemma, I'll give that a read! It really isn't an option, because I know I'll go back smoking a pack a day!

    It really does help because we've all built up this image of smoking - for me 'cos I've always been a good girl it was the naughty rebel thing 'cos good girls don't smoke - and we think of the fags we enjoyed, but the moment was good, not the fags!! Allen Carr dismantles all that, so we see smoking for what it actually is!!

    And yes, you're right - I had a long quit and thought I was "un-addicted" so bought some after a row, and kept the rest of the pack (was a sticking my fingers up thing) so I could have one or two here and there. Didn't take long for me to be smoking more than ever before :(

    It's just not an option!!

  • Thanks Gemma, I'll give that a read! It really isn't an option, because I know I'll go back smoking a pack a day!

    @ Sue D - That's exactly how it feels - the negatives of smoking are now a distant memory and all I can focus on are those moments I enjoyed a cigarette. Lighting up on a summers day, sat in a Spanish bar smoking freely. I forget about the times I've had to stand outside in the pouring rain, struggling to get a light, holding it under my jacket or illegally standing in a doorway to quickly spark up.

    Yep you need to get your mind back to how sick of smoking you were and how much you hated it. NOPE NOPE NOPE. You've come too far to give in. Remember the ones you had to smoke even though you didn't want to? Especially the truly ludicrous ones, do you know what I mean, the ones where you run down 3 flights of stairs into the freezing cold, take a few quick puffs then nip it cos you really haven't got time for this then leg it back in only to discover that you still want a smoke but you've just done that etc etc Rinse repeat for the rest of your life. Obviously you've got your own ludicrous ones:)

    You are addicted to nicotine not smoking. The good ones were an illusion to make you smoke all the ones you HAD to.

  • Hope you feel a bit better by now Lewis,keep posting, stick with us...;)

  • Thanks for the support everyone! Don't worry, I'm really not the type of person to leave the house if I don't have to, especially just to give in to a craving - my laziness probably aids my quit a lot.

    I feel much better now, I've just been having a down day I guess. :rolleyes: Hopefully tomorrow I wake up with a better mindset!

    Why is everything that's addictive bad for you...:mad:

  • Why is everything that's addictive bad for you...:mad:

    Yes, bummer isn't it? :o

    Glad you're feeling better Lewis. :)

  • Thanks for the support everyone! Don't worry, I'm really not the type of person to leave the house if I don't have to, especially just to give in to a craving - my laziness probably aids my quit a lot.

    I feel much better now, I've just been having a down day I guess. :rolleyes: Hopefully tomorrow I wake up with a better mindset!

    Why is everything that's addictive bad for you...:mad:

    Glad to hear you're still going Lewis :)

    You'll be fine!!

  • Glad you made it through an awful day but also thanks for reminding me of the dangers we face when we dare to think we might be out of the woods.

    I suppose that's what this place is all about!:)

  • 140 Days is incredible. You have a lot to feel proud about and to feel positive and that you are on the winning team with this. Hard to do I know when you feel like a sinking ship and the thoughts of smoking seem so alluring - we, as addicts, will go to unfathomable lengths to find excuses and reasons to smoke again; and it doesnt matter if its 1 day, 10 days, 20 days, a month, 3 months, 6 months, a year and so on; as ex-smokers sadly this is something that is going to happen to us time and time again until we learn, as non-smokers, that we are above smoking now and dont 'need' it anymore.

    If thats a bit harsh I apologize but with issues like this it is best to not sugar coat it. Everyones quit process is different and different things work for different people. Something that might cause one person to want to smoke might seem trivial to another. You just have to find a way that works for you; that keeps you on the narrow path that we have all decided to try walk. You have come an awfully long way to hit 140 days and to still be hanging in there - a serious bout of 'shakiness' was bound to strike at some point. And until now, perhaps you have been able to regroup and refocus your reasons for quitting. But at this stage, so far into the quit, it is almost as if we forget those reasons, we turn a blind eye to the sheer hell that was the first few weeks of the quit, and we long for 'just the one'. Trust me, been there so many times, have a box full of the t-shirts - used every excuse in the book. (the weathers annoying me, these exams are too hard, my family are bugging me, my ex is an idiot, everyone else is happy except me, why am i always broke, why am i always being used... why why why.. and so on). And if we keep thinking like that, we almost talk ourselves into believing we would be better as smokers. Its lunacy. you will NOT feel better if you smoke now. It will taste disgusting, you wont like the smell, you will wonder how you ever smoked before, and then you will begin to feel really awful for smoking after so long and begin to think, 'oh whats the point, i just cant do this, ill try another time'... The truth is, when we get 'attacked' (as that is what it is) by these sneaky cravings so late into the quit, we have to fight back stronger and harder everytime and just hang on.

    My father quit almost 30 years ago now and even to this day, he said he gets the odd craving. and he said if he could smoke 4 or 5 a day he would smoke, but knows in a matter of days he would be back to a 2 pack a day habit. So would smoking now after all this time really make you feel better?

    Maybe try take up a new hobby? Swimming, some hill walking, photography, even reading poetry? Something to keep your mind busy and something that interests you. Im on 122 days here so you are about 3 weeks ahead of me in your quit so Ill be looking to you and your advice as the time goes on.

    Hang on in there dude and dont give up this quit. You have done amazing and this is just a silly little attack that you are well capable of putting in its place!

  • 140 Days is incredible. You have a lot to feel proud about and to feel positive and that you are on the winning team with this. Hard to do I know when you feel like a sinking ship and the thoughts of smoking seem so alluring - we, as addicts, will go to unfathomable lengths to find excuses and reasons to smoke again; and it doesnt matter if its 1 day, 10 days, 20 days, a month, 3 months, 6 months, a year and so on; as ex-smokers sadly this is something that is going to happen to us time and time again until we learn, as non-smokers, that we are above smoking now and dont 'need' it anymore.

    If thats a bit harsh I apologize but with issues like this it is best to not sugar coat it. Everyones quit process is different and different things work for different people. Something that might cause one person to want to smoke might seem trivial to another. You just have to find a way that works for you; that keeps you on the narrow path that we have all decided to try walk. You have come an awfully long way to hit 140 days and to still be hanging in there - a serious bout of 'shakiness' was bound to strike at some point. And until now, perhaps you have been able to regroup and refocus your reasons for quitting. But at this stage, so far into the quit, it is almost as if we forget those reasons, we turn a blind eye to the sheer hell that was the first few weeks of the quit, and we long for 'just the one'. Trust me, been there so many times, have a box full of the t-shirts - used every excuse in the book. (the weathers annoying me, these exams are too hard, my family are bugging me, my ex is an idiot, everyone else is happy except me, why am i always broke, why am i always being used... why why why.. and so on). And if we keep thinking like that, we almost talk ourselves into believing we would be better as smokers. Its lunacy. you will NOT feel better if you smoke now. It will taste disgusting, you wont like the smell, you will wonder how you ever smoked before, and then you will begin to feel really awful for smoking after so long and begin to think, 'oh whats the point, i just cant do this, ill try another time'... The truth is, when we get 'attacked' (as that is what it is) by these sneaky cravings so late into the quit, we have to fight back stronger and harder everytime and just hang on.

    My father quit almost 30 years ago now and even to this day, he said he gets the odd craving. and he said if he could smoke 4 or 5 a day he would smoke, but knows in a matter of days he would be back to a 2 pack a day habit. So would smoking now after all this time really make you feel better?

    Maybe try take up a new hobby? Swimming, some hill walking, photography, even reading poetry? Something to keep your mind busy and something that interests you. Im on 122 days here so you are about 3 weeks ahead of me in your quit so Ill be looking to you and your advice as the time goes on.

    Hang on in there dude and dont give up this quit. You have done amazing and this is just a silly little attack that you are well capable of putting in its place!

    Not too harsh at all! Even though I feel much better today, your post reinforced the fact that I want to stay quit.

    I am going through a bit of a difficult time at the moment, but smoking certainly wouldn't change that. As for a hobby, I do really need to start doing something to take my mind off of things. I signed myself up for a 10k charity run in June and haven't started training yet, so that's on my list!

    I'll probably be back with a new thread in late March, early April for my 6 month milestone! Again, thanks to everyone for helping me to make this my last ever quit.:D

  • Stay strong Lewis, you have done amazingly well.

    Sending positive thoughts to you, you CAN do this (noone said it would be easy, but we will do this).

    bb. xx

  • Aww I'm sorry you're struggling :(

    And those smokers you envy, well they're not smoking because it feels fab - it doesn't, they smoke to feel normal....

    All I can suggest is read Allen Carr, and take it gently. You don't need to spend a load of money killing yourself and making yourself stink!!

    I second Gemma. Those smokers want to be where you are. When I used to be a smoker, I'd allow myself to continue because everyone else in my social circle smoked. I'd conveniently forget that they, like me, wanted to desperately quit, and that they were puffing away because they had to, not because they wanted to. I lodged that fact in my head after I read it in Allen Carr's book and concurred.

    Sometimes the need for nicotine unexpectedly jumps in front of your face screaming "Boo!" But stay strong--it'll get to you only if you let it.

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