Everybody says the first few days of quitting are the worst but i think the last days of being a smoker were far, far, far worse.
Hating yourself for doing it, desperate to stop, feeling weak, guilty and pathetic every time you light a cigarette.
Knowing that each one you light causes you to light the next one and the next one and the next one and that you have no choice in the matter. A plant controls you.
Little chest pains which terrify you but you can't go to the doctors as she'll tell you to quit smoking OR tell you it's heart disease which you know you deserve with the amount you smoke.
Smell of stale smoke on your clothes and in your hair, yellow teeth, grey skin.
No money as the demon takes all spare cash.
The Other Half's worrying looks when you get a coughing fit and you try to reassure him that you're ok but can't as you're gasping for beath.
The fear that you're smoking yourself into a poor quality of life.
No sunshine over 70's cruise for you. Oxygen tank at the side of the chair is your future.
Those looks from people when you're huddled in a doorway in the rain trying to keep that precious cancer stick dry and lit.
The dread of going somewhere new where you know you can't smoke for a few hours. When you should be excited and looking forward to it.
The panic when you suddenly realise you've got 3 smokes left.
Is it tough? Yes smoking is very tough.
I am now free of ALL these worries, dreads and fears and funnily enough I'm not tempted in the least to rejoin the ranks of people addicted to this awful practice.
After only 67 days of not smoking I can honestly say I am free and will never smoke again.
I have no doubts, no fears, no worries because after over 30 years I finally see smoking for what it is. A trick: an illusion that promises you lots but delivers poison, illness and destroys your self esteem.
But that's just my opinion
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Can remember my last days as a smoker, how terrified I was, how I hated the way it made me act, how it cost me a small fortune, how smoking took priority over everything, and it was not good.
Oh and the internal raging when i "needed" a fag and couldn't have one for whatever reason
It's lovely to read something that brings all that back, and yes the freedom from that is immense!!
It really sounds like you've got it laid out in your mind and that it flipping fab :cool:
Superb post. Love it. The bit about sitting there with an air tank really hit home with me. Brought back pictures of one of my lads sitting there hooked up. Nothing to do with smoking he had no choice. I DO. Thankyou my friend.
Thanks for all the nice comments about the post, it came from the heart.
@ Gemma I forgot that one.... the prioritising smoking over everything and everybody.
Making my OH stop the DVD even though it's at a really exciting bit and he's going to be annoyed at me so I can get a smoke. Then sitting in stony silence cos i've ruined the tension and the mood.
The last day before I stopped I remember standing out in the rain on my lunch break smoking. When I came in I stank of fags, the way you do when it rains and the smell seems to cling to you more. I could smell the smoke on my clothes and I was embarrassed to go and sit at my desk with all the other non smoking colleagues as I knew that I smelled really bad. Your post has just reminded me of this, on what has been a really hard day so I thank you sooooo much xx :cool:
The last day before I stopped I remember standing out in the rain on my lunch break smoking. When I came in I stank of fags, the way you do when it rains and the smell seems to cling to you more. I could smell the smoke on my clothes and I was embarrassed to go and sit at my desk with all the other non smoking colleagues as I knew that I smelled really bad. Your post has just reminded me of this, on what has been a really hard day so I thank you sooooo much xx :cool:
Yeah you're right it did smell more in the rain, I'd forgotten that. We really stank:confused:
@bluebell There are so many reasons why I can't and won't go back, you just reminded me of another one.
Standing round in a group of non-smokers trying to blow the smoke skyward to avoid putting smoke in somebody's face, whilst at the same time trying to hold cigarette behind back to avoid the smoke from that drifting into the group WHILST trying to hold a drink and follow the conversation that you can't concentrate on because you're too worried about where the smoke's going.
At least the smoking ban sorted this one out, this one now only used to happen outside in summer weddings!
The last day before I stopped I remember standing out in the rain on my lunch break smoking. When I came in I stank of fags, the way you do when it rains and the smell seems to cling to you more. I could smell the smoke on my clothes and I was embarrassed to go and sit at my desk with all the other non smoking colleagues as I knew that I smelled really bad. Your post has just reminded me of this, on what has been a really hard day so I thank you sooooo much xx :cool:
Oooh yes it really stank in the rain, possibly because we were huddled in somewhere or under an umbrella?
But we don't smell now and never have to again
Sorry you had a manky day hun, I hope it gets better for you soon!!
@ Gemma I forgot that one.... the prioritising smoking over everything and everybody.
Making my OH stop the DVD even though it's at a really exciting bit and he's going to be annoyed at me so I can get a smoke. Then sitting in stony silence cos i've ruined the tension and the mood.
Oooh yes, I can remember doing stuff like that - my dad was *not* greatly impressed!! And if I needed the loo and a fag, the fag came first, always :mad: so I'd be smoking it as fast as I could to dash back inside :mad:
I'm now nearly 11 months quit and the struggles of Jan - March seem a distant memory. I'm not here as often as I used to be but I think that's the natural way of this place. I really admire people like Max, Skiddaw, Jenny and TG who have the dedication to carry on being here to encourage new members.
I wanted to write a sort of thankyou post, to show my appreciation for the people who helped me through and to also encourage new quitters but I've already forgotten the 'trauma' so I looked back through my old posts and found this one.
It really reminded me of how I felt as a trapped smoker and how great it felt to finally be free. Also reminded me of some great people who helped me through.
Fear and doubt kept me smoking for years. This forum helped allay those worries and somehow got me over that 6-8 week hurdle that I'd always previously fallen at.
Lovely to see you again Sue and many congratulations on your 11 months. I shall be saving a very special suite in the Penthouse for you and you'll be occupying it before you know it now.
It matters not how often you're here- you're as important a member of this lovely community as anyone and I'll bet your post has inspired both the early-days quitters and some would-be quitters lurking in the shadows. There's no one on the forum who doesn't do their bit and it's the collective wisdom, humour and support that makes the forum so successful.
Have a fantastic weekend Sue and don't be a stranger
As a relatively new person to the forum, it is the first time I have read that post. I wanted to say thank you. I am on day 60 today and keep thinking I am missing out on something by not smoking. Reading your post has reminded me that I am missing nothing and I will think of this next time I spot somebody smoking & feel slightly envious.
Amazing post - that's exactly what we need to be able to remember. I spent at least the last 10 years hating smoking and everything it stood for, every single night I went to bed determined that tomorrow I'd stop. Then I'd get up the next morning and smoke, and hate myself all over again. I hated myself for doing it, hated everything about it. We need to remember that!! Thank you so so so much xx
I'm glad it helped KathP. I'm now 18months quit and can honestly say I don't miss it at all. Let's be honest... what is there to miss. Hope your quit is going well,
I don't get to the website very often now but often think of my quit buddies from those first few months.
Talking about reasons to quit reminded me of this post so bumping it up as several people felt it helped and boy do you need any tiny bit of help in the first week.
What an amazing post Sued, hope all the newbies read it! Thanks for bumping, I am 108 days smoke free and feel I will never smoke again but do need to keep my guard up at all times!
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Month 3 - tough one!!
Am having a tough time - help
The end of a tough day, but I got through it :)
