I don't think I'll make it

Only 5 days till I get to the penthouse but I'm thinking of packing it in. I went through hell for quite a long time and if it hadn't been for this forum I would have given up long ago. I'm waking up in a panic every morning, scared to look at my email because I'm waiting to hear about my visa to live in NZ with my family. If I don't get it then my health won't matter. I live alone and since I came back to uk, nearly 4 years ago I don't speak to anyone. I stay in bed all day because this was my mothers house and I can't bear to sit in the living room even though I've had it completely done up. I tried going to meet ups but getting out once a month isn't enough. This forum kept me going but everyone has left since it changed. There used to be jokes everyday in the general section and now it's all cryptic songs. Forgive me but I'll be 70 in a couple of months and I haven't heard of many of them. I miss all the helpful people who used to come here and feel that every time I leave advice it's ignored.

Stopping smoking hasn't made me any healthier, it's just made life unbearable.

I wish everyone the very best of luck with their quit and hope this forum gets back to normal soon

38 Replies

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  • Dont give up

    Please don't give in Una, you have come so far! I know the forum has changed, but I think, like Max says it goes in cycles. I only pop on now to pick up messages, hardly ever post now, but I will hope to welcome you to the penthouse in 5 days time:) You have been a great support to people and I am sorry if you feel your support is ignored.....that is a shame as you are always very sensible with your replies, but hey ho you can only do what you can do. I know you are very much respected on here. You have a lot to look forward to when that visa comes through and I bet your family are chuffed to bits that you don't smoke anymore. Think how far you have come and be very proud of yourself. You, like me, have given up a lifelong habit.... no mean feat!:)

  • Max, the people who used to come on here had been here for years and they gradually left when posts became nothing to do with stopping smoking.

    I always read the music clues and sometimes I even get them :-)

  • Hi Hazel, nice to see you posting. I used to feel helpful to new quitters but like a few others who had been around a long time it felt like every time I replied to a message that's where it ended.

  • Una,

    I just wanted to say hello and tell you that I think your advise is listened to, even if we or I haven't said so. ;)

    Sometimes I get sad too that many of the people I started with and felt comfortable with have left so I know how that feels for you. Not to be repetitive of what others are saying but, tis true the forum changes in style from time to time sometimes making all of us feel a bit on the outside. I know I have felt that way certainly.

    You do seem to enjoy being here so I hope that you will continue. I wish you the very best and I hope you will be able to get to NZ if it is where you want to be!!

    ~Sherri

  • Thank you Sherri, I certainly hope to get to NZ. We were all living in Denver until I came home to look after my mum and then they went to NZ. I go to visit twice a year and when I came home in March I decided it was time to shake myself up so I did try. The waiting is really getting me down and then yesterday my MacBook broke down and it feels like the last straw. Don't think I can cope if I have to live here much longer.

  • Hello Una,

    I'm so sorry to read your post - you are so close to the penthouse it's probably just pre-penthouse nerves troubling you.

    You have come so far it would be a shame to throw it away now. And the flight to NZ is a long one - would be awful to do it if you were a smoker!

    I'm sorry that some of your quit mates aren't around on the forum but we are all nice people too and would very much appreciate your advice and support. We are also able to be there for you when you need us too.

    I hope you start to feel better soon.

    Sarah

  • Denver? As in Denver Colorado? Wow such a world traveler :) How wonderful for you.

    I tell you what, I would gladly give up all the cigarettes in the world for a chance to go to NZ.

    It's just too expensive for my budget from Florida to get there. If I could get there though I would want to stay, I would gladly leave the States and move to Oz or NZ in a heart beat if I could figure a way to pull it off. It seems like it is very difficult now to pull off. I sure do envy you ;)

    See now, you simply must stick around now simply because when you get back to NZ (which you will) I will need you to regal me with all the details of life there.....

  • Unaaaa! Hang in there my darling.

    Sounds like there's a bunch of stuff getting you down, I am not surprised you're finding it tough with so much on your mind. Your subconscious is playing games with you because you're at a low point, but I know and you know that a cig isn't going to fix *anything* about your situation.

    You've come so far - five days from the penthouse, that's so fantastic!

    I'm rubbish at jokes, but here's something from facebook recently that made me howl laughing....

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    _______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    _________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget..

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death..

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral...

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No..

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    H x

  • Una

    Please, please, don't give up on this, hud yer heid high and be very proud of yersell, you have came so, so far Una. Just a matter of days and its a year and I can promise you that all the old faithful's will come out of hibernation to congratulate you Una.

    You are a much loved and respected member of this Forum Una, and have always given straight talking advice.

    And by god, what a welcome you'll receive from 'them up there' Una. And in a few short months I'll be joining you:)

    With regards to your MacBook Una, I take it you have an Apple Store in Glasgow. Just take it in to them, no details/receipt needed, they can get everything from the Serial Number and will fix or replace. Apple are brilliant to deal with, the customer service second to none.

    Fi x

  • Hi Sherri, yes Denver Colorado. It's a beautiful place to live and one of the nicest places in the world and I've lived all over the world. Trouble is America is not a place to live when you get old. I paid $800 a month for medical insurance. I saw them off because I broke my hip 6 weeks before I left.

    NZ is a wonderful country. Children can play outside without fear.

  • Sorry folks I'll reply to you all tomorrow. I took a sleeping pill and can't keep my eyes open.

  • Nearly there - don't give up now!

    Hello Una,

    I have been reading your previous posts and very much valued your contribution and comments. I too am a long term smoker and found it particularly helpful to hear from someone who knew what it was like stopping after many years . I also valued the wisdom and experience of your years which was evident in your comments - Thank you.

    Please don't give up now - you are nearly there and too have conquered the nicotine and making in a new start in NZ will be a wonderful thing. Get to the penthouse and show us the way!

  • I dont think I'll make it

    Good evening Una it's Michael in Clydebak pounding the ivories long time no speak as they say. So sorry to hear that your going through a rough patch especially as you've nearing 1 year nicotine free. I don't know what the success rate is with the Forum but people either quit the winners, smoke again,move on that's life. Regading your comment about the current crop of posts that's all part and parcel of the moving on process. Reference the content of the posts I am not far behind you in the age stakes and the only music that I recognise is played on "Sounds of the Sixties" Radio 2 08:00. As Esther Rantzen would say "that's Life"

    Now I'll go for the juggular:- what in God's name will improve in your life if you smoke again. You and I know the answer we just haven't heard ourselves saying it. I hope you soon have a positive outcome regarding your application to enter NZ and things settle down in your life Michael

  • Oh Una, you simply must stay available to me now. there is so much I wish for you to tell me about! (purely selfish I know) but I want to hear all your travel tales please!!

    Denver is absolutely beautiful, I know. I have seen many places myself as I was a flight attendant for a number of years but we simply must chat about all these travels it would be great fun if you are up for it.

    See there I go doing the very thing you spoke of and not staying on topic. Ahem... the smoking thing. you see sweet lady you are thinking forget it, right? What's the point and all that? well let me tell you from one who has been a ping pong ball here I know one thing about this subject, going through the sheer hell of quitting (and that's what it is) you cannot go back to it, and that's an end to those thoughts please! You have worked so hard for this coming achievement (penthouse) that we all strive to attain that you will not be happy with yourself if you deny yourself the very pleasure of that glorious reward. I beg you not to do that!!

    Anything I can do to help, please ask and your American friend will step right up to the plate, I promise.

    Blessings to you!

    ~Sherri

  • Una,

    Sorry to hear you're in a bit of a dark place right now; I guess all I can add are a couple of thoughts:

    (i) You are coming up to a year smoke free which is in itself a marvellous achievement. BUT... memories fade; you have now got a very respectable distance between yourself and your last cigarette, and I urge you to think back to just over a year ago. Think about how desperate you felt to be free of your addiction. Remember that you are now in a place where, every day, you have a free choice as to whether to smoke or not. Do you really want to be back in that place where you have no choice, where your life is dictated to by nicotine and where you will get your next fix? Think about how you would feel a week or two down the line if you start smoking again - "OMG, what have I done?" - by which time you are back under the evil spell and it's back to square one.

    (ii) You are torn apart from your family by geography. If you smoke right now, it will make not one jot of difference - you will still be torn apart from your family by geography. I wish you all the luck in the world with your visa application but smoking won't make one bit of difference to the outcome.

    (iii) I've seen some very powerful posts which I've been surprised haven't been followed up - but then on reflection, sometimes the post says it all, and no comment is necessary. Please don't think you're being ignored; I know there is a silent band of readers out there who are lapping it all up, and I know for one that I appreciate your thoughts.

    Una, I hope you pull through this and feel stronger for it.

  • Una,

    I've been in the Penthouse for a couple of months now, and we're all waiting for you. I was assigned dusting and vacuuming your new room, and I'd hate to think I did all that for nothing.

    Now, get your butt into the Penthouse! You've come too far to stumble now.

  • Dont do it!

    Hi Una

    Sorry you`re feeling unvalued at the moment. I think Egg summed it up for me with the following;

    (iii) I've seen some very powerful posts which I've been surprised haven't been followed up - but then on reflection, sometimes the post says it all, and no comment is necessary. Please don't think you're being ignored; I know there is a silent band of readers out there who are lapping it all up, and I know for one that I appreciate your thoughts.

    Just because no one tells you they have taken your advice doesn`t mean they haven`t - if you know what I mean. I don`t post much - someone always seems to have said it better than I could - but us newer quitters (7 weeks today fo me) need the inspiration that those like you, who are a lot further down the road, can give us.

    All the best Chris

  • Oh Una I am so sorry you are so down. I am guilty of not posting much, for the very same reasons that you mention. I have suffered depression for months up until about 8 weeks ago. I got to penthouse status 5 days ago, but I didn't even mark the event as I went back on the e-cig when things got really bad. It was either that, or smoke. I think of myself as sitting outside a cafe in a street adjacent to the ph knowing that I won't ever smoke a real fag again, slowly regaining enthusiasm for life. I wish you could join me at my table in the sunshine outside the bistro. We all need a natter.

    Imaginary penthouses and bistros are fine, but it's every day in the real world that matters isn't it. Loneliness is a terrible thing, it can close you down.

    Your visa is vital to being reunited with your family, I can see why there is so much weight resting on its arrival.

    It's difficult to write without going into cliches. The best advice I have gained from researching and reading is that you must be kinder to yourself. Given your present circumstances it is not surprising that you feel low. Una you sound a marvellous woman, you deserve to feel good. I am sure that there will be a collective cheer when your visa comes through.

    I hope the sun is shining today for you. Sit outside a cafe with your beverage of choice, a good book and I raise my lemon and ginger tea to you.

    much love, toucan

  • Oh my, so many lovely messages. I don't think I can reply to you all individually.

    You'll be glad to know I am in a much better frame of mind today. It is what it is and I'm lucky I have 3 computers and an ipad. Just a pity I took everything off my iMac ready to sell but I suppose I can put it all back on. Having my MacBook go wrong felt like the end of the world. I'm thinking its the video card because almost half the screen is covered in pixels. It still works otherwise so I'll be able to go through it and take off anything that might have bank details. I've had macs for years and this is the first time anything has gone wrong.

    I have an ecig somewhere so I must find it for future emergencies. It has zero nicotine anyway.

    So nice to see so many old faces.

    I bought a windows laptop when I stopped smoking but only for designing knitwear and machine embroidery designs. I don't use it for anything else and yesterday I was surprised to find it doesn't have a mail client. Pity I don't have the embroidery machine anymore. I'm afraid to spend the money because of the planned move. I hope. They are so expensive and the cheap ones are not much good. I've still got the bathroom and kitchen to get done because I plan to rent it out. I know I'm going to get through today.

    Thank you all for your wonderful messages. You really cheered me up.

  • Phew! I was getting worried then! I'm so glad you are feeling better today!!! It's so weird how we all care so much about people we have never met, yet through all our posts it seems as if we know them so well.

    Hang in there Una - the NZ penthouse awaits - its even better than the UK one!:D

  • Una, seriously pleased today's better for you having read the thread.

    And please get thee to the penthouse, there are more people looking at that point in time for themselves, and the people close to it now than you realise, and the number of responses so far are testimony to that. It's important, don't give in so close, everyone here wants everyone else here to succeed without exception - you're doing great.

    Also on the NZ front just let everyone know your mission is to make sure the Lions whip the Aussies, you'll be there before you know it and I really hope you're with them soon :)

  • Yes, Lions! :o oops.....

  • Yes, that's the best news so far today, although it is just beginning lol....

    We'll be talking very soon. Good to see you back on top!

    ~Sherri

  • Hello Una

    Glad to read your more upbeat today, fab news. It can get lonely at times and I am like you whereas I only get out once a month if im lucky but my confinement is due to looking after my mum who lives with us and also working from home. Being stuck at home is depressing and so I try and do lots of hobbies, knitting, cross-stitch ect and lately its gardening. This site is fab for boosting mood and for solving quitting problems. I hope your visa gets sorted for you xxxx:)

  • Hi Gerti, I was just going to answer your last message. I know all about looking after mum and I wish I still could. I have lots of hobbies too and I'm always knitting for the grandchildren.

  • UNA! I posted the following pre reading the thread.. Stoked you are feeling a bit better.. Now I'm on heart attack recovery from thinking you were going to dissapear! Read thru the thread with baited breath. So happy things are sunnier for you now! Leaving the rest of my post anywho so u can see it if tough gets tougher..

    Don't you dare give up so close! I will be completely heartbroken to see you dissapear. I know I am just an occasional poster, but the biggest reason I have made it through so many hurdles is that I knew someone else, on the other side of the world was fighting day by day the exact same as me. If need be, I'll sign on every day for the next year and leave you a joke, let you know you are not alone! Your advice for new quitters is still read by some of the veterans, trust me. Fingers crossed all that paperwork gets sorted out for you. Please don't make me leave this room and enter the big one by my self. We are so close. Smoking won't make anything better and you know that deep down. Big hugs!

    "Sir.. It looks like this pasta is still wet.". "Better place a re-STRAINING order on it!".

    -vike. .. Ready to hoist u up and carry you into the penthouse if need be!

  • Hang in there Una!!!!

    Una - OH dear me!!! I just popped into the forum to see how it's going and saw that you were thinking of "giving in". Don't you dare - you'll be a "smelly granny" then when you see your grandkids.

    So sorry to hear you were down: but you're feeling better now - that's great to hear. Strangely enough just as I was reaching one year quit I started to panic a bit and thought "I'll never get there". The post addictive mind plays weird tricks on us.

    I've been quit for 17 months now, and I go for days without even thinking of cigarettes now - it's a wonderful feeling of freedom. However, I still have to do things to stop a "strange" feeling coming over me. I understand that to be low dopamine levels. So, I move my body - whether it's yoga, walking, running or whatever. I did read that for depression ( low dopamine ) you must move the body - it makes sense to me. If I were not as physically able as I am, then I would make myself ( and I mean make myself - sometimes it's an effort ) do low impact exercise such as Tai Chi or aqua aerobics.

    If you do take up smoking Una then that's money you could be spending with your grandkids taking them on outings etc. I've got my fingers crossed for you to get your visa soon.

    However, Una, I have to say you're going to a country that is second rate when it comes to rugby, :) but I also know that you don't care about that - it's just as well.

    See you in the penthouse Una - I'll be looking out for you.:)

  • Una, when I read your first post it made me sad to think about how you were feeling... I was one of the people who quit when you did but I caved after 3 months :mad: I'm so glad that you are feeling better now & you're back on track, only 3 days to go & it'll be a year - i'm so jealous & wish i'd stuck with it like you... It's just over 5 months for me now & you've been such an inspiration for me. You were & still are a great help to all the new & old quitters - stopping smoking after 50 years is amazing & if you can do that we all can :)

    I don't post much anymore either but it's nice to pop in now & then to see peoples progess, you were such a help to me when I was having bad days & stressed out with my sons mental health problems & all my other moaning days.

    A long over due thank you Una & congrats on nearly a year of giving up the evil weed :D

    Denise x

  • Una

    We all love you, but we won't love you so much if you start being "smelly" again. Got your penthouse room looking lovely and ready to party.

    H

  • Please don't give in Una, only a few days left and you'll be in the penthouse.

    You have always been one of my many idols on here since I first joined, and for you to give up and leave would be a great tragedy. You have always been here for so many of us and have given such great advice to boot. I know I don't post here much now, but I still look in from time to time to see how everyone's doing.

    Please don't surrender to the evils of the white stick. I'm counting on you to walk through those penthouse doors in a few days time so you can shout back to me and everyone else that's behind you, to let us know what the view is like at the top.

    Stay strong Una, you can do this.

    Love May x

  • I love knitting Una and this year I have started knitting throws and they are awesome. I had a horrible year last year and this year started off nasty aswell but I have just muddled along. There were times last year when I wondered what happiness was, I was just so sad but I was smoking which is weird isnt it ? cos I feel we all get hit by really down periods and life becomes a real effort but we have these feelings whether we are full of nicotine or not. Reading replies on here really boosts me and I am slowly learning my way around this forum in the hope that I can also help others in the way this is helping me. I hope your feeling more upbeat today xxx:)

  • Thank you all once again. Vike, Nonico, Denise, Aitch and May. It's wonderful the support from this forum. I'm looking for the view I want from the penthouse on my horrible win7 laptop because I don't have any on my ipad.

    Gertie, knitting is so relaxing. I always knitted for the children and embroidered them on my machine. I designed all the embroidery myself even did pictures of their old house when they left America. Pity I don't have the machine anymore.

  • See... the forum hasn't changed. We all still come crawling out of the woodwork when occasion demands :D

    So glad you're feeling a bit chirpier Una xx

  • Hi Una, I really hope you're ready to march into the penthouse! It looks like you're feeling a bit more positive and all the replies to this thread shows what an impact you have had on the fellow quitters. You're an inspiration to everyone, it is never to late to quit and you have done it!

    No more smelly granny!!!

    Good luck with the visa :-)

    Karen

  • Hi Una, so glad you are still on track.

    Just 2 days for you and Viking, I do hope he will be the gent and offer you his arm as you climb the stairs. :)

    Exciting news about the visa, how long until you know?

  • I supposed there would be an elevator. It's a long way up to the penthouse.

    As regards the visa. It goes into a pool first so it's luck ofthe draw. That was on the 15th but they email one way or the other. Keeping my fingers crossed.

  • Apologies I'm a bit of a latecomer to this thread as not on the forum often. Una, I wanted to take the opportunity though to say all the best for your penthouse arrival shortly, its very very well deserved and from what I have read of your posts in the past its been tough at times, so your determination has been awesome and inspiring !

    Before I joined the forum earlier this year I had spent the autumn and winter 2012 months reading through the forum and your posts along with some of the other long time quitters were always helpful and motivational.

    All the best and fingers et all crossed for your Visa.

    Kind regards

    Donna x

  • Una. The sooner we get you safely into this penthouse where we can keep a proper eye on you....the better. ;)

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