Selfish Guilty Thoughts! :(

Hello all

I hope everyone's well?

Whilst rushing from shop to shop today I kept having unusual thoughts cropping up.

(.....maybe to distract me from the Christmas shopping rat race....I mean .. I hate shopping at the best of times but this time of year? sheeesh!...I was getting faster and faster even though I didn't want to!! Getting battered by lovely old ladies and their shopping......:rolleyes:)

There were the obvious ones like spotting smokers walking down the road. Really feeling quite sorry for them.

The pallid colour, drawn in cheeks and thinking how strange/silly they looked walking around with a white stick in their mouths, constantly, as it was too cold a wind to get their hands out their pockets.....

I'm not having a go at them it's just so nice not have to do that any more.

Seeing them got me thinking further about my quit.

How I was doing, how I thought I would continue to do, when I would start to feel fitter and more alive.....then it hit me.

The realisation of my own mortality and the history of my family.

This quite quickly turned to guilt. :(

I lost my dad to cancer 8 years ago (he died on 04/04/04 .... strangely enough 4 is supposed to be my lucky number! .... but just like him....he loved symmetry like that)

My mum had breast cancer some 30 years ago, fully recovered now but has to take tablets for the rest of her life.

My aunty died of cancer some 25+ years ago.

My Grandad died of cancer before I was born.

They all smoked.

The reality of cancer hit me square in the face.

Even though our family has been hounded by cancer and I was there for most of the time it has never really hit home until recently, obviously brought about by my own quit.

This made me feel really selfish!

How can I have been so foolish to even start smoking, all those years ago, whilst all that was going on around me?

I feel guilty not only to myself but also to my family.

Smoking has been such a huge screen in front of me, hiding all the "real" crap that was going on and ..... maybe .... leading me down the same path as other members of my family.

I cannot change my past.

I don't hate my past and I will try not to regret it, neither of these emotions will help me in my future life but I wanted to share my feelings in case there are young smokers out there....

Still thinking it's cool

Still thinking it's grown up

Starting to think about quitting!

I know when I started smoking I was young...and when we're young we're invincible...you don't even think of the consequences of your actions ... you just do it 'cos it feels good....and "it's cool!"

I also know that many unfortunate souls get cancer without even looking at a cigarette and my heart goes out to them and their families more now than ever.

I don't know what's in store for me and to be honest I felt selfish even beginning to think about it.

I only know I HAVE made the right decision now.....so let's see where it leads.

Take care everybody peeps :)

Greg

x

5 Replies

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  • Hi Greg.Its no wonder you started smoking-you were surrounded by smokers like I was. My first word was 'Woodbine' how sad is that.I know it is no excuse but when we are young we do tend to sub conciously look up to/follow family and friends influences.I know what you mean about guilt my sister had asthma and has never smoked,all those people with illnesses and disabilities,including children who have suffered and died and never smoked.And there was us with perfectly healthy bodies smoking our heads off for years.totally abusing what we had been given.Disgusting isnt it? When we are young we just dont think and are too far up our own backsides to even consider other peoples feelings or situations.You are now in the valuable situation to be able to help and possibly prevent people from smoking-a position you wouldnt be in unless you had been through what youve been through.Try to have no regrets.Just thank your lucky stars you have come through ok and still have your health.All the best. Sue x

  • Nifty - your post is a very positive one! The reason is that you are starting to see throught the fug of smoke that has surrounded you for years. Parts of reality that have previously been obscured are coming into view.

    I also interpret this as meaning that your quit is deepening and taking stronger hold, which has to be encouraging - however you look at it! Well done :)

  • Hi Greg

    what a really great powerful thought provoking read and i totally relate to you on what you said

    when i think back to my mental attitude when i smoked i think wtf :eek: why did i ever think smoking was cool enjoyable and also scared at the thought of could i actually live without smoking in my life

    after all it has been apart of me since i started at the age of 9/10 when my sisters used to let me have a sneaky drag and paid me as i got abit older in ciggies to babysit and when i finally got to about the age of 13 i was allowed to smoke in the house i thought i was so grown up but it wasnt an issue then as everyone i knew smoked

    i did stop when i fell pregnant with my oldest and actually became a social smoker for the next 12 years or so but managed to get away without getting hooked back in to smoking full time

    but at the back of my mind i was always well i can stop again anytime i want and for a few times i did i stopped loads of times for short periods and then would go out have afew to drink and then my smoking head would persuade me to have one

    one wont hurt after all and then i would make excuses to carry on smoking and the times i did quit i still used to think at the back of my head that its not a forever quit if the world was to end tomorrow i would smoke because i enjoyed it

    now i think back and wonder what the hell was i thinking how why and where did these thoughts come from but then back then it was still being used as being cool as all the famous people smoked it helped in upsetting stressful times and i enjoyed it

    yeah i ignored the facts that i was always having a chest infection that my throat and chest was always tight that i had to use an inhaler that i had to scrub my fingers to get rid of the stains from the nicotine as i rolled my own

    the control was not mine i was a slave to smoking that i smoked before i done anything that i smoked as a reward for doing something that i would plan out my day around smoking and if i was going out having to work out where i could go inbetween my smoking and obviously in recent years where i could smoke

    it still amazes me that i could blindly forget the bad and the ugly side to smoking and only concentrate on what i thought was the pleasure of it

    sorry i seemed to be on one this morning must be the coffee :p

    keep up the good work Greg

    regards

    Carol

  • Thanks for the post - it was really interesting and I can relate to what you said too. Some days I feel like I'm on the cusp of a great new life and other days I dread to think what the future holds without cigs.... Since I stopped smoking, I do spend a lot of time thinking and I don't remember the old smoking me doing the same.

    Oops, I think I may be starting to ramble a bit, heehee.

    Keep up the quit, Greg - absolutely no way would I (and you) go back to smoking which always amazes me and fills me with a little pride......who knew we'd get this far...

    Sharon, xo

  • I don't so much feel bad that I smoked. What I do feel bad about is how as a smoker you throw your health away. You just know deep down that people who have never smoked would give anything for another day when they are dying. We had those days and we totally abused them.

    I agree totally!

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