I hope everyone's well?
Whilst rushing from shop to shop today I kept having unusual thoughts cropping up.
(.....maybe to distract me from the Christmas shopping rat race....I mean .. I hate shopping at the best of times but this time of year? sheeesh!...I was getting faster and faster even though I didn't want to!! Getting battered by lovely old ladies and their shopping......:rolleyes
There were the obvious ones like spotting smokers walking down the road. Really feeling quite sorry for them.
The pallid colour, drawn in cheeks and thinking how strange/silly they looked walking around with a white stick in their mouths, constantly, as it was too cold a wind to get their hands out their pockets.....
I'm not having a go at them it's just so nice not have to do that any more.
Seeing them got me thinking further about my quit.
How I was doing, how I thought I would continue to do, when I would start to feel fitter and more alive.....then it hit me.
The realisation of my own mortality and the history of my family.
This quite quickly turned to guilt.
I lost my dad to cancer 8 years ago (he died on 04/04/04 .... strangely enough 4 is supposed to be my lucky number! .... but just like him....he loved symmetry like that)
My mum had breast cancer some 30 years ago, fully recovered now but has to take tablets for the rest of her life.
My aunty died of cancer some 25+ years ago.
My Grandad died of cancer before I was born.
They all smoked.
The reality of cancer hit me square in the face.
Even though our family has been hounded by cancer and I was there for most of the time it has never really hit home until recently, obviously brought about by my own quit.
This made me feel really selfish!
How can I have been so foolish to even start smoking, all those years ago, whilst all that was going on around me?
I feel guilty not only to myself but also to my family.
Smoking has been such a huge screen in front of me, hiding all the "real" crap that was going on and ..... maybe .... leading me down the same path as other members of my family.
I cannot change my past.
I don't hate my past and I will try not to regret it, neither of these emotions will help me in my future life but I wanted to share my feelings in case there are young smokers out there....
Still thinking it's cool
Still thinking it's grown up
Starting to think about quitting!
I know when I started smoking I was young...and when we're young we're invincible...you don't even think of the consequences of your actions ... you just do it 'cos it feels good....and "it's cool!"
I also know that many unfortunate souls get cancer without even looking at a cigarette and my heart goes out to them and their families more now than ever.
I don't know what's in store for me and to be honest I felt selfish even beginning to think about it.
I only know I HAVE made the right decision now.....so let's see where it leads.
Take care everybody peeps