Am I being selfish? Need some advice

I am now on day 32 and feeling strong in most situations but unfortunately it is causing a bit of an issue with my girlfriend.

She is still smoking as well as her parents, I spend 3 or 4 evenings a week in their home for meals etc, I stayed away from these situations for the first couple of weeks but more recently I felt like I couldn’t just stop going round altogether. Oh and obviously they smoke in their home and I am in no position to ask them to smoke outside. It’s their house !!

To cut a long story short - I am so pissed off with my girlfriend for still smoking (we agreed to quit together), and I am confused about how I should feel about this, on one hand I am being a complete hypocrite but on the other hand I feel disrespected. Especially when she lights up in the car, after meals and drinks etc, the nicodemon then makes me feel like I’m missing out.

Earlier today I even had the horrible thought "Why should I quit if she hasn’t, I should just buy 10 to prove a point", I quickly realised that I am doing this for me and for nobody else, and what a fool I would be if I did such a thing.

Also I have noticed that I am very quick to temper recently, I have a very low threshold with my patience, is anyone else experiencing this at week 4/5?

Apologies for the rant, just needed to get a few things of my chest.

I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts people.


8 Replies

  • Mark you probably feel let down, do they all still smoke in the house? most people I know don't now and if so it must stink:eek: We stopped smoking in the house a long time ago, I understand that you can't stop them as it's their house.

    My OH was supposed to quit with me and nearly 8 months down the line he still hasn't:mad: and yes I'm angry but the more I have a go the more he Carry's on and I still get moody with him. But this is my quit and I am so determined to do this for ME!!! and I love being a non smoker!!!

    So Mark you do this for you it is so worth it tell them how bad they smell, can't your girlfriend come to yours? Hope things work out for you.

    Best wishes Maria.:)

  • Hi Maria,

    Thank you for your advice, its great to hear that you share my frustrations.

    Yeah they do all smoke in the house, it was not so bad during the summer as they would all be outside but I was smoking with them at that time, now the nights are drawing in and it is colder, everyone is back inside.

    We do spend time at my place too and at that stage she will only smoke one or two during an evening because of having to stand outside.

    You are right though, I just need to quit for me and forget about trying to pressure anyone else into quitting too, hopefully one day she will see sense and once she sees what I have achieved then maybe she will quit as well.

  • It's a difficult situation to be in. I've often thought that if we could pick and choose when to smoke it would be so simple. When we smoke we envy those that don't, and when we quit we envy or get annoyed with those that do. If no one smoked around us we probably would never find it so difficult to quit.

    I have been lucky that most of my family have already stopped, but my Sister who still smokes tries to do it away from me even in her own house.

    I think it's difficult to ask people to stop smoking in their own homes, but there are other ways round it. My mother in law (an ex-smoker) used to just persistently cough if you lit up when she was around. Albeit annoying we all used to avoid smoking around her as she made us all feel so uncomfortable and it was really irritating that she coughed all the way through your smoke.

    You know yourself how easy it is to make a smoker feel guilty so maybe go that route. Develop that irritating cough each time they light up and they will soon catch on!! Another trick is my OH used to tell me I stank and looked at me with such disgust that used to put me off too.

    Other than that it's a nose peg......perhaps that would get their attention :D


  • Thanks Pip,

    I like the idea of sitting there with a peg on my nose, arms folded and a straight face, lol.

    In all seriousness, I remember a few months ago when both of my girlfriends parents quit smoking for about a month, and I hate to admit it now but all I wanted was for them to start again just so I can smoke in their house. I mean how bad is that? just reading what I am writing disgusts me, that is selfish beyond belief. It's just proof how much of an addiction nicotine really is.

    It is also proof that I was jealous of them being able to quit and I wasnt strong enough at the time, this is what I mean about me being a hypocrite. How can I sit on my high horse now and judge anyone else when I was even worse?

    My mind-set has changed so much in the last 32 days, its like I am managing to remove the brainwashing more and more on a daily basis.


  • Mark,

    You have to own your quit and not expect others to behave differently as a result of your choices. Of course, you can discuss the situation with your gf and her family, and ask them politely if they would mind making some changes (especially your gf smoking in the car, seeing as it's really not necessary), but ultimately you cannot demand that they behave differently to suit you.

    I know that's a tough thing to have face, but in the end it will make you even stronger.


  • Thank you Alex, I know you are right.



  • Thanks Pip,

    I like the idea of sitting there with a peg on my nose, arms folded and a straight face, lol.

    Haha that's exactly the scenario I was imagining when I wrote the post!


  • Pip thats so funny I'll have to try that when I go over my sister in laws :D

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