No, I'm not falling off the wagon. I'm just blowing off steam.
I'm on my fourth day without any patch at all (pure cold turkey now), having concluded that the splitting needles-in-my-eyes headaches and muscle aches might be caused by the nicotine replacement therapy.
That seems to have helped. Also, I still don't have even the slightest interest in smoking a cigarette. I even tested myself by going out with the smokers, and standing upwind.
So maybe you think I'd be a little pleased - proud, even - with my progress so far.
Oddly enough, No.
Only a fortnight ago, I could stay awake till 1am and wake up fully refreshed at 6:30. No daytime naps, no nodding off, no bags under the eyes. And I've been like that, constantly, for my entire adult life.
This is only the second day during my 11 day stint, that I've actually managed to stay awake between 9am to 4:30pm - or get past 10pm without crashing out in the evening.
And even though I am still awake, right now I'm woozy as hell.
A few years back, I was working 36 hour shifts. The way I feel now, is exactly the same as I used to feel after the "second wind" starts to wear off. All I want to do is go back to sleep.
Someone hit me with a two-by-four because a cold, logical, nicotine-inspired earworm is fighting back.
Two weeks ago I was ENJOYING life, and being active both mentally and physically for 18 hours every day, playing with my kids in the evening, and even talking to customers without feeling the least bit... is killy a word?
I've gone from that to hating every minute I'm awake, for the twelve hours that I am awake, because all I want to do while I'm awake, is go back to sleep.
And every time someone starts dumping their problems on me (customers, mainly - the curse of working IT support), instead of feeling all sympathetic, I just groan inside, "For the love of GOD, Read the F**** Manual and leave me alone".
People keep saying, look at the positives of giving up.
I'm losing four waking hours out of every day, to sleep. I'm losing the hour a day of meaningless outdoor social interaction that comes from being a social smoker. I'm losing valuable quality time with my kids because I'm zonked out in the armchair, too tired to do anything.
And the trade-off is.... £25 in my pocket, and I'm going to live 220 minutes longer. Great.
So I'm actually losing MORE of my waking life, every day, to sleep, than I'd have lost in total if I'd smoked myself silly for the past eleven days.
And that £25 in my pocket? Well, I'm now going to have to start looking at putting it into a (depreciating) pension fund.
I'd always had this "never mind 'hope I die before I get old', if I ain't dead by the time I retire I'll book a one way ticket to a volcano" attitude and now I'm wondering if there are enough working years left to keep me supplied with baked beans in my dotage.
Now don't get me wrong. I have every intention of staying off the smokes.
But, at the same time, Lord save me from turning into a BITTER, PREACHY, TETCHY, SELF-RIGHTEOUS, INTOLERANT, SMUG, SANCTIMONIOUS EX-SMOKER.