Daily Diary

Hello Everyone,

What a fantastic response I got from my introduction. I'm so glad everyone is out there....

Popsiesgirl - what an amazing story, almost identical to mine. Do you mind me asking how old you were / are? I had never tried to give up before although my husband had tried everything - last time was Champix.

I don't think he can contemplate giving up whilst I am being such a b!tch but hopefully in 2009 we will both be free.

So today was back to the GP. My blood tests were back and I still have problems with my liver - caused by the first dose of antibiotics. I got a sick note for another two weeks and then they may consider a phased back to work plan. The worst problem is when they listened to my back I'm still crackling which means the fluid is not going away yet. I seriously hope it does drain of it's own accord otherwise I think they have to operate to drain it for me. I'm due back at the hospital on Friday and they were hoping for the lungs to be clear - don't know if that is still a posibility given what the GP has said today.

Progress on the smoking front is that it was not the first thing I thought of this morning. I got out of the house both yesterday and today so I think the distraction has done me good. I am lucky that I'm not house bound as such but I cannot stay active for more than about 1 hour a day otherwise I'm shattered. I do wish I could eat things but the antibiotics make everything taste sour.

My biggest regret at the moment is that society has finally got me to conform!! I'm being GOOD. I've finally given up my last vice.....SO my quest tonight is to find another way of rebelling - the best idea I've got so far is to take up gambling. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

Today I would give 6/10 for not being cranky all day. I hope everyone else had a good day,

Take care & as always thanks for listening. :)

23 Replies

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  • You're doing great FTQ.

    Sorry you're not getting back on your feet as quickly as you would like, but remember patience is a virtue.

    I found knitting or crocheting great in the early days of my quit, keeps the hands occupied ;)

    Stay strong :)

  • My biggest regret at the moment is that society has finally got me to conform!! I'm being GOOD. I've finally given up my last vice.....SO my quest tonight is to find another way of rebelling - the best idea I've got so far is to take up gambling. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

    You're not the 1st person to feel this way, the usual response is promiscuity!!!:eek: (Speaking of which has anyone seen Glaswegian John recently?)

    I understand exactly what you mean though, it all seems a bit too "grown up" this non smoking lark.

    I don't think that gambling will help, but how about going for high living.

    I hope that the medical issues resolve themselves, I look forward to tomorrows installment.

    ATB

    Nic

  • You're not the 1st person to feel this way, the usual response is promiscuity!!!:eek:

    It did flash through my mind:cool:

    Seems not the right sort of rebellion though I just need a "$%&* you" moment for the rest of the world. I have outragous shoe & bag collections anyway. I managed to see my beautition yesterday for more therapy (actual and verbal) and have very gothic black manicure - but it's not quite enough.

    If it wasn't for the current financial cliemate I would be very tempted to get an unsuitable piercing but putting a job at risk in financial services at the momentis not thething to do. See again I'm just towing the line - like you say so damn grown up AGHHHHHHHHH!!

  • Well done so far, I am so pleased to see the change in the tone of your posts since your first one.

    Everyone needs something that makes them feel good (or naughty ;) )

    Mine is trackdays, driving too fast :D

    Well done, you seem to be bringing it together - I'm pleased for you.

  • Stuart,

    Yes something naughty is required - the only thing I will not consider is anything with calories. My addiction to food is / was worse than fags!!

    Have you ever seen anyone cry over a packet of crisps? :eek:

  • My biggest regret at the moment is that society has finally got me to conform!! I'm being GOOD. I've finally given up my last vice.....SO my quest tonight is to find another way of rebelling - the best idea I've got so far is to take up gambling. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

    F2Q... I couldn't agree with you more...nightmare having to conform!!:eek:

    I've spent 54 yrs being the black sheep of my family - still not told my father I've quit!! Hate him to know I've finally conformed!! Still rebelling in other ways but wouldn't recommend them!!:(

    Hope your health continues improve - and good luck for friday at the hospital...take care...

    nicky

  • 'What a fantastic response I got from my introduction. I'm so glad everyone is out there....

    Popsiesgirl - what an amazing story, almost identical to mine. Do you mind me asking how old you were / are? I had never tried to give up before although my husband had tried everything - last time was Champix.'

    Morning F2Q-no I don't mind you asking at all! I was 31 when I had my daughter, so that makes me 44 now.

    Like you, I don't like to 'conform' either, I'm always up for an argument with anyone/anything remotely resembling authority! Don't know why, but I find using the odd swear word satisfies my desire to be 'naughty' now I'm not smoking. Only in suitable situations of course-I don't want to get myself arrested!

    My husband smokes too-probably 30 a day and I know he'll never stop but his smoking really doesn't bother me. We haven't smoked indoors since my daughter was born so it's not as if he's rubbing my nose in it. To be honest, I actually pity him now having to go and stand in a freezing cold, stinking garage to feed his addiction while I stay in the warm, sitting on the comfy sofa.

    Sorry to hear you're not recovering as quickly as you'd hoped-it does take time and you're giving yourself the best possible chance of making a full recovery by staying off the tobacco. I would say it must have taken me a year to recover fully from my illness as my immune system took a real battering and I ended up having to start again really. I even got shingles of all things-thought that was just for old people!

    I know it's hard and that I had a beautiful baby daughter to distract me, but you WILL get better F2Q. I found it helped to set myself miniscule targets each day/week and then congratulate myself when I achieved them. If you keep a list and review it every few weeks, you'll soon start to see just how far you've progressed in recovering.

    As for keeping off the smokes-that's hard too, but you've already done the hardest part. I feel now (a month smoke free today) that my whole attitude to smoking has changed completely. Try not to think of yourself as having 'given up'-you haven't, you've just made a really positive change to your life-maybe it was forced upon you but nevertheless, you've chosen to keep it that way.

    Remember F2Q, this is your choice now, you've taken back control and just keep saying no to that first one and everything else will look after itself.

    Good luck for Friday.

  • How about bingo, either at your local Mecca, hall or on-line. I don't mean the ones where you have to deposit. Have you tried ITVbingo.com, the free one? Only thing is it's on late so if you do have to go to work then it's not really advisable. However, you can get your cards and then leave it, they mark them off and let you know if you win anyway.

    I usually do what Barbara does knit, crochet or embroidery.:o:)

  • Feel in Control

    Hi Everyone,

    Thanks for your comments again. It's been a miserable day today, had the lights on in the house all day. My task for the day was going to be sweeping the leaves outside but it's been dark & drizzly wet all day. We are walking along to the local park for fireworks later though so perhaps a good job I didn't do too much today. Managed to put some washing in and hang it up on the horse and also do some paperwork shredding. Doesn't sound a lot does it - but thats me done I needed a sleep after that - and I thought at first I may be able to go back to work after a week!

    So for the last few days I have a growing sense of being in control of the situation. I was thinking about that in the shower this morning and I think it is easier because I'm not living "my life" at the moment it must be so much harder when you are faced with your normal routine day in day out without those pauses.

    I have so much admiration for you all actually coming out and saying enough is enough. I'm not sure I would have ever got there although I was saying next year.....If I was gonig to be able to do that half marathon without giving up you can bet I would have. I couldn't even make the goal "quit smoking" but if my stated goal required giving up then that was a side event - I could not face it head on. Even now I think of it like scales. I do not want to hurt so much again MORE than I do not want to smoke again, therefore not smoking wins.

    Thats the progress I have made and I'm not sure it will sustain me forever but it's as far as I've got in a short time and for now it is working. I'll have to think of another strategy for when I feel 100%

    When I was in the hospital and starting to feel better the first option I thought was to cut right back to the "essential" cigarettes and slowly wean myself of each of them.

    I thought the bare minimum I could manage was 4.

    1. In the car on the way to work

    2. After lunch at work

    3. After gym (I'd already given up the leaving work on way to gym one as I couldn't get as much out of the treadmill if I'd just had a fag)

    4. After dinner

    I was then going to work on each one in turn to get it down to 3 / 2 / 1 / 0.

    This was also you see my plan for 2009. I never thought my smoking was as much about the nico as the habit. As a couple we regulaly spoke about how we could fly to the other side of the world and go about 14 hours without a smoke. We were not climbing the walls on the plane, but as soon as we could get a smoke we did. It just didn't make sense - we had gone that long without discomfort but we both just shrugged our shoulders and lit up.

    So I'm in control for now and see the cigarettes I've conquered as the following:

    1. Post shopping - getting in car

    2. Relaxing on sofa with tea (although just after dinner is a weak point still)

    3. Someone calls me - first thing I would have done to settle down for a chat would be to gather a drink, fags and ashtray

    So these are the points I see being challenging but not impossible in the future. My life at the moment just doesn't include these:

    1. The "just had a row with the boss and need to get away from the desk fag"

    2. The out with freinds "I'll tell you all about it when we go outside for a fag" fag. BTW is this a female thing? More secrets are shared outside in smoke breaks than any other place.....toilets are SOOO 20th century!!

    3. The "how to kill the last 15 minutes at work before lunch / meeting / home" fag

    I'm sure there are more but I see these situations as critical.

    Has anyone else adopted other habits for those pauses? I'm on sugar free gum when it gets bad but I wondered if there was something other than eating that people found useful?

    Anyway take care everyone and thanks for listening;)

  • To Nicky

    Nicky,

    So glad you understand - I'm dreading dealing with the sancimonious people at work who are like "so you finally saw sense and gave up" the ardent anti-smokers. That truley is a "screw you" moment. I don't want to be a smoker but I don't want to be one of those goody-goodys either - how do you deal with that?

    My boss is one of those and he hated the fact that he couldn't stop me going for a smoke at work. When I called him post hospital to tell him my prognosis the first thing he said was "so that will make you give up smoking then will it?" I just had to answer "for now" because I couldn't give him the satisfaction of being right.

    I really don't think I care if people smoke or not much like I don't care if they are different in any way to me - or the label people choose to place on me.

    Glad to know others are out there like me :cool:

    XX

  • To Popsiesgirl

    Popsies,

    Interesting that you were about my age - those respiritory wards are the blunt reality of smoking. 3/4 of people on there are in due to smoking in one form or another.

    I was told it is actually rare for young people to be hospitalised. I am just glad I took this opportunity I've been given, even though I wasn't looking for it. The similarities between our stories are amazing. The thing I am finding amazing is that it seems every drug they give you has a strong side effect. I've got secondry problems now - as you did, from them killing the first infection. Its mad!

    Take care

    xx

  • F2Q,

    I get the feeling that you’re reading way too much into this and tying yourself in knots.

    This is the bit where you hit the nail squarely on the head..!!

    ...... I never thought my smoking was as much about the nico as the habit. As a couple we regulaly spoke about how we could fly to the other side of the world and go about 14 hours without a smoke. We were not climbing the walls on the plane, but as soon as we could get a smoke we did. It just didn't make sense......

    Perfect sense actually.... Everyone including the tobacco companies tell us that smokers are addicted to nicotine primarily for their own interests of course. There are millions and millions of dollars riding on the myth. If it were true a 14 hour flight would require a stock of nico gum or some other black-magic to get you through the flight but it patently isn’t the case. Inside your head you KNOW you can’t smoke for 14 hours so you don’t. Once you land you can and your head says, “c’mon, smoke time..i’ve been ever so good” so you spark up. (I used to go out mid-way through films at the cinema much to the annoyance of my family.)

    Don't spend too much time worrying whether you smoke through addiction or habit, it's not an issue for you because you're post-nicotine.

    Don’t battle with all these different quit areas and scenarios. The truth is you don’t actually need ANY of those fags at any of those times, you just feel you ought to smoke them.

    To some the success can be attributed to substituting one habit for another be it mints or drinks or all manner of things. Others just laugh in the face of smoking and trivialize it.

    How we do it depends very much on the individual, the important thing being that we don’t resort to tobacco..!!!

    Keep at it.

  • Austin,

    Don't panic about mt ramblings, I'm just putting it all out there (so to speak!!). My thoughts bang & crash around and I find it theraputic to actualy stop them by commiting them to (e)paper.

    Believe me - you'll see the tone change if I'm in panic! I do over ****yse eveeything in my life & find it's more of a female than male trait. I'm doing okay and thanks for the concern XX:cool:

  • Austin,

    Don't panic about mt ramblings, I'm just putting it all out there (so to speak!!). My thoughts bang & crash around and I find it theraputic to actualy stop them by commiting them to (e)paper.

    Believe me - you'll see the tone change if I'm in panic! I do over ****yse eveeything in my life & find it's more of a female than male trait. I'm doing okay and thanks for the concern XX:cool:

    Another bottom moment ! S/be "An@lyse everything":D

  • Sounds like you are doing plenty of thinking there. Keep on getting that mind sorted out, and taking back control.

    I do over ****yse eveeything in my life & find it's more of a female than male trait.

    I think every male on the forum can identify with that statement :D:D

  • Hi Everyone,

    It's been a miserable day today, had the lights on in the house all day.

    Hasn't it just.

    As a couple we regulaly spoke about how we could fly to the other side of the world and go about 14 hours without a smoke. We were not climbing the walls on the plane, but as soon as we could get a smoke we did. It just didn't make sense - we had gone that long without discomfort but we both just shrugged our shoulders and lit up.

    Funny you should say that. We regularly go to Tenerife which is a 41/2 hour flight and I felt exactly the same. But as soon as we got off the plane the first port of call was where could we have a cig. OH still does.

    So I'm in control for now and see the cigarettes I've conquered as the following:

    1. Post shopping - getting in car

    2. Relaxing on sofa with tea (although just after dinner is a weak point still)

    3. Someone calls me - first thing I would have done to settle down for a chat would be to gather a drink, fags and ashtray

    I'm on sugar free gum when it gets bad but I wondered if there was something other than eating that people found useful?

    Some have picked up straws and sucked on them. Would have thought that might have given them wind at some point though.:D You can get plastic crave cigs - there isn't anything in them you just use them as a substitute for the real thing. Eventually you find you don't need that either.

  • F2Q!!

    Some while ago there was a thread about which cigarettes we missed the most .. if you're bored enough search for it and you will see many of us missed every single one:eek:

    With regard to those who seek to tempt you to smoke, I've found the best response is to say "Not just now"

    I've worked for my present boss for 8 years and for his solicitor for 10 years prior to that. I stopped smoking nearly a year ago and it was only last week when I was at his house and he offered me a cig that I told him how long it had been. He hadn't realised.

    I still work on the premise that I haven't given anything up, so I'm not deprived. I've stopped doing something I have done for nigh on 45 years which has always been bad for me and now I don't do it any more!!

    Keep at it and be positive. That last fag was never worth it anyway;)

  • I'm Back - and it's all good!

    Hello,

    I have so much news and as the title says - it's all good! I've not managed to get on here since Thursday afternoon and have actually missed you all, but found I could cope over the weekend without visiting the site to confirm I'm doing the right thing.

    Anyway, Thursday night hubby comes in to announce he's got tickets to football on Saturday as a season ticket holder freind & wife are not using them. Yipee!! That means we are going away for the weekend. You see I'm not a native Edinburgher but an English import! My husband is from Edinburgh but we met in my home town. Now tickets to our English team are like gold dust and as other half explained it would be two fold - take my mind off everything and also serve to put my parents mind at rest as they had not seen me since I went in the hospital.

    We were driving down as soon as I had finished at the hospital on Friday so off I went to pack a bag.

    Friday - back at the hospital - more good news. All fluid is gone from right lung and left is showing "significant improvement" they will not have to drain me and they think another couple of weeks should see my lungs completely clear. Liver is also improving although slowly and he said another couple of weeks should see my taste return to normal as I'm done with the antibiotics that caused it.

    No more drugs required and I just need to build up what I'm doing every day.

    So - drive to parents, they were very tearful when we got there and of course I lashed out being the moody cow I am. Actually that made everything normal - I can't stand it when people treat me like an invalid. LOVED sending Mum to the back door to smoke as we continued the pretense that the smoke could harm my lungs again. Surprisingly (not) by the end of the weekend she had not smoked as many as usual.

    Was nice to sit in the stadium and not think about having a smoke, but did go through tons of gum instead. Same with the drive both ways - it's so boring and in the dark you cannot read or anything - was looking for a fag to relieve the boredom - especially as Friday night traffic caused us to take 5 hours to get there.....kept telling myself it was only the same as being on the train. More gum please....:)

    So all in all good -as I'm getting more energy I've managed to do quite a lot today too.....all in all really positive:cool:

    Take Care

    xx

  • That's superb news.

    Well done, and congratulations :D

  • Thats fantastic,

    I was getting quite concerned that you hadn't posted.

    Best wishes

    Nic

  • Well done! So glad the weekend went well and you received good news at the hospital on Friday.

    Hopefully you are continuing to feel stronger and will be able to do more to occupy yourself, I expect you'll be pleased to get back to work won't you?

    Hope you continue to get better and enjoy being smoke free, you're doing really well!

  • Not much to report...

    .....except had a huge row with OH about nothing realy.

    I'm such a grump - and I don't think it's just because of the fags. My health situation and not being at work is really bugging me. The problem is I've got a list of jobs I'd like to get done every day, but don't have the energy to face any of them. Can't decide if this is due to illness or I'm just getting lethargic & can't be bothered. Need a kick up the ar$e to be honest. That might get me out of this bad mood too....

    Dreams last night about smoking. Felt really real. In the dream I'd come out of the supermarket and lit up. Half way down I panicked and remembered I wasn't supposed to do that any more & threw it away. In dream spent the rest of the day worried that it would make me want to start again even though I had done so well & really I'd only lit up by mistake, it's not like I wanted to....it was very bizarre.

    Getting ready to move on to next board next week. My four weeks are up but not calendar month. How do I put a signature on these mails? I suppose if I'm staying I'd better start getting proud of the stats;)

  • Well done for your continued quit!

    I know that smoking dreams seem so real, I've had a couple and its quite normal.

    I'm sure that your whole situation is adding to your frustration, but hang in there no doubt the improvements will continue.

    Adding a sig is in the User CP section, above.

    Best wishes

    Nic

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