My Story - by Poppyfairy
Well as I am here it goes without saying that I am a smoker. I have smoked over the last 7 years having previously quit years and years ago prior. I am 39 and Mum to two disabled children. They are exceptionally complex children and very challenging. We have no family as both sides did not want to know us when they realised our children were born with disabilities, and no other real support. My husband (who is not a smoker) works as a Head Chef and therefore is not around a lot.
Over the last few years I have had to fight very hard for my childrens educational rights. I have just won a tribunal (court) hearing for my daughter and she can now attend a school which is just right for her disabilities. She was out of school for 15 months. My son has been out of school for over a year. Our LEA cannot provide our children with a school as they are so complex and therefore in order to get them to a school we as parents have to pay to take the matter to court for our children to go to a school out of county. Our son's case is being heard in the High Court in London in approx 18 months time. Until then he will be at home.
I love and adore my children and care for them round the clock. I smoke approx 5 ciggies a day, sometimes much less, sometimes a little more. I pootle off down into the garden for 2 minutes to have a few puffs. This is the only time I get to be alone. (I have not had a night out in 9 years nor been out for lunch in 3 years). So my odd cigerettes here and there are my break or me time. It sounds very very sad (in the sense of saddo) but they have been almost like friends - though I know this is totally ridiculous. I tend to only smoke when I feel I need a break away from the stress. If I go out with the children I never smoke at all and don't think about it.
My children are asking 'when are you going to stop cigeretting Mummy?' and I feel really bad for just smoking the bit I do. I know I have to stop and need and want to stop. But I guess I am kind of scared how I will cope without my little crutch. I know logically having a smoke makes no odds - but as it is the only thing I can do for myself (as my attention has to be on the children all of the time) - I will miss that space.
I know I can't stop on my own. I know I need some help. I can't even go to the chemist etc. to get advice as I am always with the children. I know this is a psychological thing - mind over matter. So here I am - any suggestions would be so welcome.
I have read some of the stories and theads and you all sound amazing people who are so so strong. Well done all of you - you're a great inspiration.