Today I will have surgery for the development of my blood vessels to start the dialysis process. The impurities in my body are starting to build up. I have several gout locations. A foot is swollen this morning and my face is puffy. I know all of these are signs that it is time to take this step. My pre-op blood work showed that uric acid is twice what it should be. Potassium has creeped just above acceptable and even though we do not use salt or processed foods my blood sodium is above range. All signs that this step is needed.
My primary doctor on Monday said I'm going to feel so much better when dialysis starts. So I have to take this step. The weather is in a deep freeze, as most of the country. All the schools are closed. A travel advisory is in place this morning. For a moment I wondered if they would call and cancel. I stopped my thoughts immediately - I have to take this step.
I have so many questions, little nagging things. I made a pot if soup, so my husband doesn't need to fix anything tonight. Will I be able to cook tomorrow? I did all the wash and will change the sheets before I leave. Will I be able to make the bed tomorrow? What are my limitations after surgery? For how long? Why didn't I ask the doctor? My 4 year old grandson comes on Sundays, will I be able to play on the floor with him? I sometimes don't heal well, will there be a scar? My GFR is 19 will my blood vessels be ready before my GFR plummets?
None of this matters today. The only way to do this is to stop the questions, put away the excuses and don't look back but forward to my doctors words. "You are going to feel so good" Then I remembered a cherished phrase and knew the only way to take this 1st step. Let go, Let God.