Someone just checked in on me to see if I was OK and I always think that is so sweet - when someone misses you being around the forum
And I am not quite sure what is wrong at the moment - I suspect as I keep writing this post it will become clearer - it's usually what happens!
I woke up this morning and my first thought was "Excellent, it's only 6:30, plenty of time to get out and do an hours worth of digging in the garden" immediately followed by me sagging back onto the bed, scowling as I remembered the big chunks of chocolate I ate yesterday.
I just don't know what is wrong with me. I know I can do this, God until only a month or two ago I was out exercising and eating well and planning meals and logging food and loving it and now... I just can't seem to find the energy to get with the programme.
I have been chowing down for 3 days straight and when I got on the scales this morning I was actually pleasantly surprised. Usually I am really precise about exactly what I weigh - I can guess it to within a few 100 grams but lately I assume I am heavier than I actually am because of the junk I have been eating.
I feel out of synch, like my brain and my body are not quite on the same page. Sometimes my body is "Yep lets go!" and my brain responds with "Meh, not yet" or vice versa.
I think maybe I am depressed and I just don't want to face that. Since January I have been taking large doses of magnesium for heart issue but within a few weeks the depression I had suffered with for decades started to lift and has been great until 2 months ago when it all seemed to fall in a heap
I don't want to admit that I maybe falling back into depression because I don't want to admit that the natural cure I seemed to have found was no longer working and I would have to reconsider medication if I wanted to beat this thing.
Problem is any antidepressants I have tried in the past have left me kind of numb to the world and have never seen me inclined to eat properly or exercise because I don't feel motivated to make a change because I am feeling numb to everything.
Aaarrrgh - and lately I seem to be able to mentally trap myself into not doing exercise so efficiently!
So here is the thought process at the moment.
1. Right its morning so I really should go for a walk.
2. Well the backyard has to be finished and all that digging and shifting soil is physical so you should use that as your exercise and its been sitting there not done for weeks so do that because if you go for a walk you'll just be thinking you should be doing that instead!
3. But then I'll get filthy and I just can't be arsed picking up that shovel, maybe I'll just see whats on TV news ands go do it soon
4.Oh crap now I only have half an hour and I should start getting ready for work soon....
So I don't go for a walk because I figure if I have the time and energy to go for a power walk I should be using that to finish this backyard that has been going on for weeks but I hate doing the backyard so I find a reason not to....beautifully constructed Catch 22 I must say.
If I just got the back yard finished I'd feel like I really achieved something which would help with my depression and would also then allow me to start walking and cycling again without thinking I should be doing something else and that physicality each day then helps massively with my depression.
Soooo I need to write a list of all the things I need to do in the backyard and the order in which they have to be done, assign a number of hours to each task and put them into a calendar so I can come up with an end date and start working towards it.
And I know this is not necessarily a cure for my depression but I think finishing this will then get me back in the swing of things and the physical activity will make a massive difference to my mood.
I guess I have just gotten into a routine of avoidance and its time to make a plan and get myself out of that cycle.
Right! If you read all of that I am sure it was fascinating hearing about the muddy hole in my backyard - - not - but I am starting to feel a little better and thanks for hanging in there!
Time to get off the net and start making the list.
Have a good day all !