Hello

[Owl-34]

Hi--I'm grateful for the OCD Community forum. Although I joined in 2023 and have read others' stories with interest, this is my first post. I wrangle with anxiety disorder and depression (dysthymia), and was diagnosed with OCD in 2022.

I experience a sense of dread and danger which causes me to over-check the stove, locks, etc., plus fear of touching anything in the bathroom (even walking on the bare floor) --envisioning germs everywhere. Also, I obsess on what is 'moral,' and have tremendous guilt if I have to, for example, kill a roach (eesh), imagining what it would be like to BE that roach if roles were reversed. It's hard to let go of that thought and feeling of guilt.

Lastly (for now), I record music, and have perfectionistic tendencies...whch means it takes forever to finish anything. I'm constantly trying to gauge how much of what I perceive and feel compelled to do is OCD driven....and how much is genuine creative vision. I'm wondering if others have experienced the same sort of thing..?

Happy belated New Year to everyone...thanks for reading!

[LuvSun]

Hi Owl-34! I for one share many of your same obsessions. I know what you mean about killing roaches, etc. I try to get them outside before killing them. I feel like they have as much right to live as I do.😞

[Owl-34 in reply to LuvSun]

Thanks, LuvSun--Right? I do catch the big ones (water bugs) and take them outside, but it'd be a full-time job with the small ones, sadly. I can't tell how much of that is OCD, or just an animist view of the world...hmmmm.

[deValentin]

I share some of your hesitations. Is it OCD driving me to do something, or is it a genuine concern? The urge to solve a problem is sometimes so strong I wonder whether solving it would satisfy me in the long term. I know that satisfying an OCD urge is never enough in the end, even if you experience a short lived relief. However, it's difficult to know in advance whether giving in to an urge to settle an issue will make things worse in the end or bring you lasting satisfaction.

Is being bothered by the killing of an animal, whether large or small, a justifiable concern for the life of other creatures, or a sign of moral scrupulosity? For instance, Jains (religious group in India) use repellents to drive pests out of their homes instead of exterminating them. Do they all suffer from OCD?

Those are difficult questions. It's what I do to try to answer them. I first establish my priorities. My priority is to live an interesting and responsible life. I know that OCD will prevent me from functioning reasonably well in life. OCD is distressing and impairing. Those are the two main characteristics of OCD.

So, if I feel guilty killing a pest or feel an urge to settle an issue, I ask myself whether giving in to that guilt or urge to appease my mind in a particular domain would help me function reasonably well in life or prevent me from doing it. If I believe the second answer is right, I dismiss the guilt or urge, and move to something else. In other words, I try to find other ways to return to normal than doing compulsions or ruminations: carrying out OCD-free activities, listening to music, going for a walk, socializing, etc. With the passing of time, the OCD guilt or urge go away on their own. It's possible to do that because OCD still preserves, to some extent, your ability to make good judgment, unlike other disorders like schizophrenia.

[Owl-34 in reply to deValentin]

Hello deValentin--thanks for your thoughtful and generous answer. Yes, I was thinking of the Jains with regard to their beliefs against killing insects.... and I begin to feel they're right, yet to live that way would seem impossible on a practical level. Your advice about switching gears to disrupt the rumination is very helpful! Rumination upon the rumination then becomes an issue...haha!

[FirstResponder23]

hello,

Thank you for sharing and welcome. As for your question about creating music, I think there is a very close tie between the two. Coming from an athletics standpoint, I know many times I struggled because I had to do many rituals before competition. I feel like talking to a therapist would help you rule in or out OCD as it relates to your music. Usually if it’s something that is interfering in a task or causing anxiety, it’s probably OCD. There were certain tendencies I had to do before starting my jumps (in track and field) that I had to do to get me in a rhythm. However, it never affected me to the point where I could not physically jump well or at all if I didn’t do them. Although I’m sure it would still be labeled as OCD by some therapists, it didn’t inhibit me in the moment, but I’m sure would only build the fire that was started for another OCD fear somewhere later down the line.