OCD while grieving the death of my mum

[MittensandCharlie]

I had a huge OCD flare up 16 months ago and I have since then worked so hard at my recovery to the point where most days OCD does not really affect me. My intrusive thoughts are far less and those that do come, I have learned to let them be, let them go, invite them in...

My mother passed away last week, her cremation was today. Ever since I got the news, I have been getting waves of anxiety, and of course, where there is anxiety, there is OCD. I hate that in addition to any challenging event in life, that OCD rears it's head... I wonder what it would be like to experience this grief without the damn add on... but maybe all of the feelings of guilt and shame, the ruminating and catastrophising, are not OCD but just natural stages of grieving... I guess I have to live with that uncertainty, it is what it is, and there's only one way to get beyond it and that is to go through it. It's just so bloody hard...

[Natureloverpeace]

I am so sorry about your mum’s passing. It sounds like you have good insight about your OCD. It is hard, give yourself some grace.

[MittensandCharlie in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Thank you, I really appreciate you kind words.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to MittensandCharlie]

You’re welcome.

[TomFed]

Sorry to hear about your mom's passing. As for OCD flare up, stay away from compulsions. You seem to have a good insight into what OCD is (although most of us OCDers struggle with this sometimes). 15 minutes in silence or meditation could help you set things in perspective. Just ask yourself is it grievance or is it OCD? Deep down we all know which themes, questions, feelings are caused by OCD. No matter how good OCD part of the brain tries to lie to us that this or that this time is different. And if you lean onto that some particular thought, fear or an obsession is OCD, it most likely is.

[MittensandCharlie in reply to TomFed]

Thank you so very much for your advice and support. I am managing some of my usual strategies for a lot of the day, but then I get overwhelmed and stuck at other times. Going to make sure I keep up with my meditation practice and I must have faith in the process. I did it before, I guess I can do it again.

[Sallyskins]

I lost my mother 13 years ago - and I can assure you that the pain does lessen. That doesn't mean you forget or regret or that you don't miss her any more. It just means that the wounds start to skin over.

At first it felt as though I was repeatedly being punched in the chest. And added to the pain of losing her was the guilt that I could have done more for her. But that's natural and what many people feel.

But don't feel guilty - just remember her as she was in your best memories of her. All these feelings are natural - most people feel them whether they have OCD or not.

Of course OCD does respond to stress - it takes the opportunity to redouble its efforts to take hold of you and control your life.

It's important that you allow yourself space for the grieving process - it isn't something that you can hurry and you have to do it in your own way.

Losing one's mother is traumatic, and our grief is often compounded by the rupture of the link with our past and our roots - I felt as though I had been cut adrift on the open sea.

At the moment your grief and your feelings will be at their most acute. The progress that you have already made in dealing with your OCD will be useful here. The toolbox is still there, and you know how to use it.

Go easy on yourself, don't demand too much of yourself, don't hurry your grief along. Remember her in your own way - there is no rulebook! But make sure you get out of the house and connect with friends and family, particularly those who knew her.

The love your mother had for you hasn't gone away. It's still inside you.

[MittensandCharlie in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you, your beautiful words mean so much. So kind of you to take the time to write at length and share your own experience, I am truly grateful.

[123ST3]

I’m praying for you to have peace and strength. You obviously know what’s going on…. Just gotta go through it. It will pass as always.

Lost my dad a year and a half ago. I’ve been there. Stay the course.

[Oysterstew]

Hi, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Losing a mother is so difficult and it is painful, my mother was my best friend and I miss her always. Regarding your OCD rearing up after the loss of your mother I can relate. I never had OCD before or possibly a touch when I was a little girl. I now suffer severely with OCD and germ phobia since my husband passed on a year and a half ago from frontal lobe dementia. He developed dementia in 2020 just when Covid started and had to be in a dementia care facility. I was so scared of Covid with all the restrictions and was afraid to visit and didn’t visit much. Now I am afraid to go out of the house and do not socialize. I am telling you my story because it relates to your mom and OCD and grieving. I honestly think I would not be suffering from OCD if my husband had not gotten dementia and passed on. Grieving and OCD can be related or at least was triggered by your mom’s passing. I believe OCD and anxiety go hand in hand and feed off each other. Loss of a loved one creates anxiety and then along comes OCD. It’s normal to grieve and I believe all people grieve differently. Grieving never goes away but we get through it. As time goes by grieving becomes tolerable and takes on a new feeling which can be comforting and hopefully your OCD will also become tolerable as before. I hope I have given you some comfort and I feel your pain. Let’s continue to live one day at a time and be hopeful. Take good care of yourself.

[Ocdteal03]

I also lost my mom in 2021 and my ocd was quiet until the year before. In 2020 when she was diagnosed with uterine cancer stage 4. Boy it took me for a loop! Ocd since then has come in waves every summer and I’m in a flare up now. It sucks but I’ve got to get through it with meds, therapy and family support! I hope you are healing ❤️‍🩹