short-lived victory?

[lavender514]

So I did an exposure and felt fully the anxiety then noticed it dropped and for the first time in awhile I felt hopeful. I continued practicing for a few days and things were looking better, as I could finally see clearly and I was not so clouded. Things finally seemed 'right' in my head.

However my brain then told me if I went for the next therapy session (which was today), it would go downhill and go back to before. I felt so much fear. But I still went as I knew it was my OCD talking. After the session, things didn't click 'right' again in my head and my old thoughts seem real again. I understand there is no rational link.

I was on my way to being better! How demoralizing! Urgh! My brain is telling me that if I did not go to therapy today I would still be doing alright and I would continue my 'winning streak'.

[deValentin]

Counting on the 'just right' feeling or for things to 'click right' in your head before you turn your attention to normal activities is a sign that OCD is still ruling to some extent your life, in my opinion. Waiting for things to 'click right' in your head before making day-to-day decisions is a way to postpone the return to a normal life. I know it's tempting because the return to a normal life may be somewhat scary. One needs time to get used to it. OCD recovery is often a bumpy road.

[lavender514 in reply to deValentin]

thanks for replying. Indeed it is a bumpy road, but I was so happy that I was doing so much better past few days. Now that the OCD seems to come back again, it rly sucks. Even the exposures I am doing feel less effective and different now compared to before.

[deValentin in reply to lavender514]

Maybe you're suffering from "therapy fatigue". The initial enthusiasm for anything new (new way of life, new relationship, new job, etc.) tends to wane with the passing of time. It's normal. To counteract that wearing out and renew the 'honeymoon passion", one needs to invest time and energy into new activities. Ask yourself how you envision your life 2 or 3 years down the road, and start to go step by step in that direction. Don't wait for your therapy/recovery to be complete. It will never be complete. It's a life-long process. If one has psychological predispositions to OCD, or any addiction for that matter, temptations to return to one's old ways will never completely disappear, especially in times of stress or boredom. If, for instance, you find yourself under pression to make a decision and you find that decision particularly difficult to make because there are drawbacks to whichever alternative you consider, the temptation to seek absolute certainties (that is, OCD) will be great.

On the other hand, OCD never wanes spontaneously if you don't take the necessary measures to free yourself from it. If you're unhappy with your life, see no way out, and have a high sense of responsibility, intrusive throughts will never leave you alone because your present situation has become unbearable. Like the German philosopher Nietzsche said, "Every sufferer instinctively looks for a cause of his distress”. It's quite normal if you're inclined to worry and are unhappy.

[Lauragbr]

You must always be ready for setbacks. As disappointing as they are they help you move forward. I totally understand how you feel.

[Madonna4]

I also have these setbacks it is like I am doing one step forward and 3 steps backwards. It really is annoying. I feel like I am ruining my life on purpose sometimes...

[Lauragbr]

You are not ruining your life on purpose.OCD sends you false narratives, they feel real. But they are false. Try to be indifferent to them. It’s hard, but telling yourself “ I don’t care what OCD is telling me” helps.