in my previous posts I’ve discussed how extreme my contamination ocd has gotten. My moral and real event ocd has also greatly increased but the one that is limiting my functionality the most is the fear of bedbugs. I started ERP about two months ago and I haven’t noticed a change. In fact, after my exposure today, I spiraled and had a complete breakdown and I’m currently feeling like I need to go to a hospital or psych ward because I do not feel safe with myself or with others, let alone my own home. I’m terrified. I thought things would start to get better. When will they?
I’m so afraid of the things I fear but it feels like nobody understands. My parents tell me to snap out of it and use my tools. I’m just so scared.
For context the exposure today was reading people’s experiences with bbugs and about how terrible it was. I’m petrified that there are bugs in my home and I don’t know it. I want to rip up my entire room. I want to remove myself from the situation entirely. And this is just one of the beginner exposures. How can I keep going?
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ollieander
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To make ERP more effective, you need to do some cognitive work at the same time, in my experience. ERP is a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) where you try to change cognitions and behaviors. Both are intertwined. A change of behaviors fosters a change of beliefs, and vice versa.
In order to change your thinking, ask yourself some questions. For instance, why is it so important to eliminate all possibilities of bedbugs near you? When you drive, you don't try to eliminate all possibilities of an accident. You do your best to eliminate the likelihood of an accident by being a cautious driver, but you're aware, for instance, that another driver could lose control of his vehicle. That doesn't stop you from being reasonably sure you'll arrive to your destination safe and sound.
So, if you do your best to live in a bedbug-free environment and give yourself reasonable chances of success, why is it so important, to the point of driving yourself "insane", to eliminate all possibilities of seeing a bedbug? This is an impossible task. In my opinion, this is a sign you're ambivalent towards your present obsessive behavior. If you really approved the way you live right now, why would you have lost everything if the worst-case scenario does occur? Your self-esteem would be maintained. If you don't really approve the way you live right now, why would successful efforts solve the problem in the long run? Your self-esteem would be degraded anyway.
It's very difficult to predict the future. It's why it's so important to give yourself good reasons to have faith in it. The only way you can reasonably trust the future is by making present decisions you're in full agreement with, given the information available at the time. If you try to solve a problem at the expense of your self-esteem, you'll never be satisfied, no matter what the future holds. It's a matter of good risk management. You'll get used to it with the passing of time, and it's rewarding in the end in terms of quality of life. What would you prefer? To try to live in an absolutely guaranteed bedbug-free environment and always be in a state of anguish, or to live in a reasonably certain bedbug-free environment and overall have a satisfying and serene life?
I’ve been working lately on not engaging with intrusive thoughts and fears - that doesn’t mean pushing them away, but more like observation that ‘thoughts and feelings come and go, they only get stuck if I engage ‘. It’s easier said than done and many times I need more support than I can give myself. Reach out to your provider as needed for support, it’s OK do to that!
Thank you. I see what you’re saying. I really do want to trust the future. It’s just so difficult. The day after I’m still feeling very down, depressed, and on the verge of panic. I know it’ll get better, and I know that even if the bugs were present, I would get through it. But it’s so, so hard. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it. I’ll keep working towards having a better life.
You're welcome. When we experience two conflicting desires (for instance, obsessional desire for a bedbug-free environment + desire to be mental-disorder-free), it's not easy to determine which desire reflects our true self and we should therefore favor. Sometimes it's helpful to wait a little bit and gain some perspective to make that determination. I wish you the best in that endeavor.
you don’t mention if you are on any medication for your OCD. Sometimes the right medication can balance the brain and allow the therapy to make more sense. It is important to find tools that help you manage your ocd. Hang in there and keep pushing forward 😀
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