I need serious help on understanding my current POCD attack. Need help!

[RandomUser12345]

Currently having a severe pocd attack after reading posts on POCD subreddit saying those who are attarcted to even fictional drawings are genuinely p*do and are just lying to themselves. They genuinely made me have suicidal thoughts recently when places that were meant to support ocd sufferers end up making them even worse

Was watching some adult content and comics of sexualised cartoon characters like ben 10 one day. The characters had various adult characteristics like bulging penis or round bottom/behinds but had flatter chests and are very much shorter and behaved like what someone would expect in mainstream adult porn like various kinds of sex positions, adult talk, threesomes and more. The drawings were furthermore zoomed in to emphasise the shapes of butts and more to confuse my brain even more.

The issue is these characteristics completely twisted my brain up and I genuinely was attracted to these adult characteristics of these cartoon drawings that caused me to masturbate to some of these drawings online. The issue is even in mainstream adult content, there are tons of adult women who also have flatter chests or are very much shorter. So if men like them, does that make them a p**o too? It would be lying that such adult content do not exist.

my brain is convincing me that I was attracted to these underage characters because they’re young and not because of these adult characteristics.

also my mind is attacking that the adult behaviours I’m attracted to is not valid excuse and I should be very guilty of myself?

Can someone please help me understand what’s going on with me? Every single time it has been Reddit snd YouTube comments who says triggering stuff like fictional characters still define real life tendencies too. It is devastating places meant for support for ocd became a cesspool full of cancel culture and false info.

From the bottom of my heart, I know how to distinguish fictional fantasies and reality. I genuinely have never found real life children attractive and never will be because I know it even if my ocd tries to convince me otherwise. It’s the grey area in fictional content that is triggering my content now.

[deValentin]

It's not because you experience a fleeting sexual attraction to an underage individual (real or fictional), for instance, that you're a pedophile. We're not in control of our autonomic nervous system (a component of the peripheral nervous system that regulates involuntary physiologic processes including heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, digestion, and sexual arousal).

Intrusive thoughts, feelings, or sensations are sometimes very random. I could suddenly think of running over a cyclist while driving. It doesn't make me a criminal. You cannot keep birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair, that is, we can choose not to dwell or act on our intrusive thoughts.

What's important is the meaning you attribute to your intrusive thoughts. If you think they define you, then you undermine your self-confidence. You'll be driven to test your inclinations by exposing yourself to triggering images or situations in order to acquire some certainty. If you feel even an inkling of arousal, that's it, that makes you a pedophile in your mind.

We shouldn't rely only on the effect of the environment on us to determine what our values are. For instance, I feel fear when I see a potentially aggressive loose dog approaching me. Does it mean I want to run away? No, I stand my ground, do not show fear, and the whole event passes without incident.

There are, of course, some grey areas. For instance, while manufacturing child-like sex dolls is typically not prohibited in countries such as China and Japan, possessing them is banned in other countries. Personally, if I were suffering from POCD, I would stay away from any borderline areas. I would give myself good reasons to trust myself in my dealings with children and be satisfied with those reasons. It's easier to appease your mind in a certain domain if you set clear limits to your behavior in that domain. That's at least my opinion.

[RandomUser12345 in reply to deValentin]

Is what I do acting on my intrusive thoughts?

[deValentin in reply to RandomUser12345]

There is no easy answer. You may not act on your intrusive thoughts, but you may test them. OCD makes you want to get absolute certainty in that regard.

You know what fuels your POCD, like watching certain cartoons. What about putting that on hold for a while and see whether you can have a clearer perspective of the situation. It looks now like you're confused: you don't want to be what you fear to be. Putting a topic aside for a certain period of time, tolerating a reasonable degree of uncertainty helps clear the confusion. I know it's not easy, but it's worth it in the end.

[RandomUser12345 in reply to deValentin]

I assume you are trying to not give the reassurance when you mean “there’s no easy answer”?

[deValentin in reply to RandomUser12345]

Yes. The more you look for absolute guarantees you aren't what you fear you are, the more you'll doubt yourself. The human mind often self-regulates when you give it the proper conditions, that is, believing there is a time for everything, a time to doubt, and a time to be sure. I know, it's not always an easy path, but it's rewarding in the end.