Mom with pocd struggling BAD

[Missydoubter]

I had a weird moment that I moved my shoulder towards my kid on purpose and I questioned why over and over and over. Well I was trying to to figure out if I did it in a weird way and obviously couldn’t. So I was like what does it even mean to move toward her in a weird way? The whole spiral of questions. Then I was sitting beside her and was like I’m gonna try to figure this out so I tried to purposely graze her with my head in a weird way to see if it meant anything! I may have grazed her hair with my head barely and now I’m completely convinced I acted on a bad thought and did something awful to my child that I’ll never be able to let go of. I think it might me considered checking or testing but I’m convinced I’m wrong and basically don’t deserve life. I’m not asking for anyone to give me a magic answer I know there isn’t one. But has anyone ever heard of checking by doing something purposely? I’m so lost and ready to give up