I had a weird moment that I moved my shoulder towards my kid on purpose and I questioned why over and over and over. Well I was trying to to figure out if I did it in a weird way and obviously couldn’t. So I was like what does it even mean to move toward her in a weird way? The whole spiral of questions. Then I was sitting beside her and was like I’m gonna try to figure this out so I tried to purposely graze her with my head in a weird way to see if it meant anything! I may have grazed her hair with my head barely and now I’m completely convinced I acted on a bad thought and did something awful to my child that I’ll never be able to let go of. I think it might me considered checking or testing but I’m convinced I’m wrong and basically don’t deserve life. I’m not asking for anyone to give me a magic answer I know there isn’t one. But has anyone ever heard of checking by doing something purposely? I’m so lost and ready to give up
Mom with pocd struggling BAD : I had a... - My OCD Community
Mom with pocd struggling BAD
Yes, it's common in people with OCD. For instance, people with sexual orientation OCD may watch gay porn in order to determine with absolute certainty their sexual orientation, based on how they react to pornographic images. Of course, it doesn't work in the long term.
Checking is one way to be sure and appease one's mind, so one could direct one's attention to something else. But there are other ways to settle one's mind.
For instance, you could face reality objectively, even if it's difficult at first, and examine all your options. Either you spend your life overchecking and never get the absolute certainty you're looking for. Then all your life goes in shambles because your mind can only focus on the problem that's disturbing you. Or you can put on hold your overchecking and engage in normal activities. It's worth it in the end, but don't expect immediate results. Reconditioning one's mind is a slow process.
How do you decide whether your checking is normal or excessive? Just ask yourself what an OCD-free person would do in the same circumstances, and act according without too much delay. Outside an OCD spike, the judgment of people with OCD is still intact.
Yeah but where it gets me is I purposely tried to move towards my kid in a weird way to prove to myself it meant nothing. And now I’m convinced I did something inappropriate to my child. I can’t recover from that
It's possible to 'recover from that' if you believe it's possible to recover. In order to believe it's possible you need signs it's possible. A sign that recovery is possible is when your intrusive thoughts leave you reasonably alone. Right now your self-confidence has been shaken. Rebuilding your self-confidence will take time and efforts.
To rebuild your self-confidence, you need to properly assess the seriousness of the action in question. How would you judge such action if it had been committed by someone else? Would you be so harsh? Or would you help the other person to overcome her pocd and control her need to overcheck her reaction to various stimuli? ERP is very helpful in that regard.
Once you adopt a more compassionate attitude towards yourself, you need to consider what to do next. Is what you did a reason to let it consume all your attention to the point of losing your motivation to work, socialize, have fun, etc.? If you think that would be a disproportionate response to the incident, then you need to learn from the past, turn the page, and direct your attention towards normal activities without too much delay. If you wait too long to do that, the battle is lost from the start because you'll most likely fall back into a self-berating spirale.
If you think that you have nothing to lose, what incentive do you have to live in a morally defensible manner? It's why hope is so important. You need to be kind to yourself and prove to yourself you can move past the incident and live a responsible OCD-free life in order to boost your mood and regain hope. Slow and steady wins the race.
This whole thing is based on a pocd fear of being sexually inappropriate in any way.
There is nothing wrong with fear in itself. It can play a very useful role. If I'm afraid to drive on highways, for instance, I need to ask myself, "Is my fear justified?". If it's justified, I need to give myself good reasons to feel safe while driving. Absolute guarantees of safety don't exist in life, so I also need to accept a reasonable degree of uncertainty. You get used to it. The alternative is not to drive, which offers more disadvantages than benefits.
A meteorite could fall on my house and kill me, but that possibility doesn't worry me because it's so rare that I don't pay attention to it. Likewise, the possibility that anybody could act in a sexually inappropriate way exists. But with good experiences, you don't pay attention to it anymore.
It’s possible indeed you may act in a socially inappropriate way, but it’s also possible that dwelling all day long on that possibility is useless, and even harmful. So why believe more in the first possibility than the second one? It’s only your present sate of mind that gives more credibility to the first possibility than the second one. Just let time pass and focus on OCD-free activities and, as your mood changes, so will your judgment about those possibilities.
“People believe very easily whatever they fear or desire” (La Fontaine).
Hello Missydoubter,
I read what you shared here. It sounds to me like you are a sweetest caring mother who fears any harm happening to her daughter.
I am a mom too and I have harm OCD. Let me
tell you something that makes me feel calm , although I don't like to reassure myself because it makes ocd worse) BUT I like to remind myself that in reality, people who hurt children in any way, enjoy it, have no remorse, or anxiety about it. They actually feel relief. They definitely do no question their actions if they are bad. So, by you feeling the complete opposite ...that is the biggest sign that you are the complete opposite of what your mind is telling you.
Our brain plays tricks with us. Do not believe your own mind. OCD hits us where it hurts the most. For loving mother's, it's usually our own kids.
I hope this helps.
But thinking I purposely did something towards my child in a sexually weird way makes me sick and not want to go on. I kind of see how it was just testing myself to see if it was real but it’s still got me stuck.
I am trying my best to hang on. This is taking me out.
Riding The Waves 
Intrusive thoughts
Getting married in 5 weeks and struggling with guilt from past mistakes
Horrible POCD thoughts 
