Getting married in 5 weeks and struggling with guilt from past mistakes

[TrueBlue23]

I've been with my partner for 7 + years and we're getting married in around 5 weeks. For a long time ( over 2 years) I've been ruminating about something I did that I know was wrong and would have upset my partner. It has stuck in my mind and gives me a sense of unease. Not all the time; Sometimes I can reason with myself and logically accept that what I did was wrong and accept that I am human and it's normal to make mistakes. I then feel like I've nipped the anxiety in the bud and can put the matter to bed. Other times though, something will happen and the thought comes back with a vengeance and I feel like I have to go through the same reasoning process again to try and take that feeling of anxiety away.

As our wedding is getting close now I'm having moments of anxiety again, and even though I know I have reasoned it out in my head a thousand times I still feel the need to reason it all out again in order to reassure me that I can get married and I'm worthy of marrying my partner.

I have felt the need to confess these indiscretions to my partner, but having read lots of posts and articles I'm pretty sure that's not the right thing to do. Now my wedding is getting close though I think my OCD is going in overdrive and at times I feel like just confessing the whole damn lot!

I would appreciate any comments or thoughts readers may have, although I'm conscious I'm looking for reassurance so in some ways it's self defeating!

[Sallyskins]

It sounds like pre-wedding nerves! I'm not suggesting for a moment that you don't want to marry your partner; just that it's natural to be a bit jittery when you have something important to you about to happen. And OCD does like to interfere where something matters most to you.

Having read your post before, I notice that you have edited out the indiscretions. If nothing to be proud of, they really aren't that bad. And certainly nothing to ruminate over - let alone for two years!

It's tempting to make a clean breast of it all and blurt it out to your partner - but quite honestly it's better to resist the temptation. No harm has come from your misdemeanour but harm could come from confession.

Try not to ruminate about it - the more you revolve it in your mind, the bigger it feels. It's like examining a tiny pimple on your face in the mirror - the more you do so, the bigger it appears to you and you think of it as a huge boil that has taken over your face and that no one else can miss, when in reality it's still a tiny pimple that no one will notice!

Nobody's perfect, and I'm sure your partner accepts that you aren't, any more than you mind that she isn't.

Don't try to reason yourself out of feeling bad - it's enough that you recognize that you made a (fairly trivial) mistake, and that you're sorry and are determined not to make the same mistake again. Then put it behind you. Break the cycle of guilt followed by rationalization.

I'm sure there's plenty more to occupy your mind with a wedding! I think often people put too much pressure on themselves with weddings - they assume it all must be perfect for the day and are afraid in case a tiny thing goes wrong. That's the sort of thing OCD likes - to make demands on you and stress you out. Try just to enjoy it instead.

Do let us know how you get on - and good wishes for the wedding (and the marriage, (which is what really matters).

[TrueBlue23 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you so much for your reply. I had edited out the indiscretions as I thought maybe people had assumed the worst and thought I probably deserved to feel guilty about it! I totally agree to what you have said and in my heart of hearts I thought the same, but I was struggling to cope with the constant doubts that pop up, especially as it's getting close to the wedding day. It means a lot to have someone else's opinion and it reaffirms what I had thought but was struggling to believe! Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful reply and for taking the time to respond!

[TomFed]

Simple, I will lay out the options in brief. How would you describe the "matter" which you feel the need to confess? Is it a) an OCD type of worry that "normal" people would probably not even care too much, or is it b) the thing that non OCDers would also feel bad about. If it's a, then don't do the compulsive confession. No matter the reason - it won't help. If it's b, then you can make a decision to tell your partner or not. If it's b there are three possible outcomes to consider: 1) minor matter that wouldn't break your coming marriage - tell him, and this will bring you even closer together, openness is in most cases a good thing to build relationship on; 2) big matter that wouldn't possibly break your marriage - it would be best to tell him now; 3) big thing that could possibly break your marriage - decision is up to you; if you feel you are not gonna do the same mistake again after you are married, then maybe not telling is a good option; if you feel it's better to tell him, then do it and let it be - what's meant to happen will happen. Now sayong all that.. most likely you are an OCDer and obsess about stuff that normal people would not even consider giving a second thought about. One way or another - your healing is more important than anything else in this world. Love yourself and don't judge yourself (I know it's usually not easy). Self compassion is the best way out of OCD. Wish you a happy marriage.

[TrueBlue23 in reply to TomFed]

Thank you for your reply! It was a minor indiscretion that I had posted originally but then edited out as I thought that people had seen it and thought I should feel guilty about it. On reflection and after having read sallyskins reply, I think OCD has been making it seem a much bigger issue than it actually was, particularly as the wedding is not far away! Thank you for your thoughts and advice! I appreciate it 👍

[AlmostEasy]

Been there. Here's the hard truth: A relationship should be built around honesty, not secrets. It's actually your conscience that's bugging you (though the OCD can certainly help the thoughts stick around). So if you haven't already, you should really confess what you did. It doesn't have to be a long and detailed conversation, but getting it off your chest will not only make you feel better in the long run, but lead to a healthier relationship. And if you're to spend the rest of your life with somebody, that's what you'll need. Best of luck.