When I read about Real Event OCD examples, it seems to often be about things that happened a while ago in the past, and the person remembers this supposedly terrible thing that they did and obsess over it (though they hadn't thought much of it when it first happened). I've had the occasional obsession like that too, like suddenly remembering I could've said something offensive years ago and worrying about it for weeks or even months.
But for my most difficult event, I felt a huge amount of guilt and responsibility almost immediately when I realized that I made a mistake which had a negative impact on others. I only told my partner and a friend at the time, and they were pretty compassionate and non-judgmental, but I felt like they weren't understanding the gravity of my mistake. But I was also scared to give them the more "condemning" details for fear that they would reject me. I spent months afterwards stuck in my own head, replaying exactly what I said/did, trying to figure out what was the outcome for my victims, how bad it was, making rationalizations to convince myself I didn't do anything wrong, constantly asking my partner for reassurance, etc. It was a very difficult time and prompted me to get help from a GP (I didn't disclose what made me feel so hopeless and guilty, just that I was feeling it for months) who diagnosed me with depression and gave me a Lexapro prescription. I think it helped somewhat and eventually, I was able to somewhat suppress the guilt most of the time.
It's now been years and I recently started struggling with it again. I understood that the level of chronic guilt I was feeling was not healthy, so I tried to find resources to help me cope. I came across Pure O and eventually Real Event OCD and realized that a lot of symptoms line up, except that I felt guilty and overwhelmed with uncertainty about the situation right from the start, so I find it hard to relate to the usual examples.
I am wondering if anyone who has Real Event OCD has had a similar experience?
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gravityFrog
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I don't have real event OCD. My OCD deals with another theme, but what you describe fits the pattern of real event OCD. A disturbing past event resurfaces in your mind, and you spend an inordinate amount of time dwelling on it, replaying it, imagining the possible implications for others, etc., hoping against hope you may find a certainty that appeases your mind.
The onset of OCD could be more or less gradual. For instance, my blasphemous thoughts episode came out of the blues and was violent from the outset. My existential OCD came gradually. It's only after weeks trying to find answers to some questions that I realize that my search for answers had become sticky and I couldn't pull away from it. It was cyclic. At times, I could spend weeks my mind free from any disproportionate worries.
In all cases the cause was the same, in my opinion. I paid too much attention to my intrusive thoughts and thought I could get away with it, because, in the moment, I had the impression my ruminations were helpful.
I can relate. This common to me as well. And feeling uncertainty and seeking reassurance about feeling guilt immediately is an ocd compulsion as well. I do it too. Asking “ but my ocd is different in this way or that way , is it really ocd??” Just a compulsion to feel certainly.
I'm not a doctor or therapist, but what you're describing sounds like almost textbook OCD. The intense panic. The seeking reassurance. The stickiness of the thoughts.
I don't have a lot of experience with Real-Event OCD but I'm reasonably sure that the treatment would be the same. That being ERP combined with medicine. I know for me things started getting better when I was just honest with my doctor. He prescribed some medicine and I asked him to refer me to a therapist. The medicine helped to "tamp down" the intensity of the feelings and allowed me to perform Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP consists of gradually facing what you fear to train your brain to not respond so intensely to it. It took a lot of time, and wasn't easy, but I'm in a lot better place than I was. I also had to try some different medicines to find one that worked well for me.
I don't know if this helps, but I put together a post about what I've learned on my OCD journey. Maybe it would be helpful to you:
Also, it's important to realize that the theme of the OCD doesn't matter that much. Sometimes we can get caught up in understanding "what" we have. OCD is OCD and is a feeling problem not a thinking problem. We often feel like if we can "figure out" the thought it will go away. In my experience this doesn't happen and another thought just takes it's place. We must learn to deal with the associated feelings and identify when a thought is OCD or not. This is something you would learn with the help of a therapist.
I really hope you find the peace you deserve my friend. Having OCD doesn't make you weird, or strange, or broken. It can make you feel so guilty and alone but the truth is that there are literally millions of people who have it. There are also millions of people out there who want (and can) help. All you need to do is ask. May God bless you.
Thank you very much for your kind words, it means a lot. What you are saying about another thought taking the place of the issue you "solved" is so true. If I manage to ease a worry, it'll be a few days before another one pops up. It's kind of like a rotating set of mistakes that I keep cycling through. And I'm worried about one particular thing, all the other ones seem relatively much smaller, until I "fix" it and it moves to the background, and one of the (previously smaller) issue starts to feel like much bigger. My "main" event is the one that shows up the most often, but still it all feels the same. I've had a hard time seeking therapy because when I'm really in the throes of it, whatever past mistake I'm fixated on makes me feel like the worst person on Earth. But the first step is the hardest I suppose.
Oh cherished one, my heart goes out to you. I know how debilitating and guilt ridden OCD can make you feel. This is a lie though. My experience has been that people with OCD are some of the most compassionate, most caring people out there. The disease latches onto these feelings and tells us the complete opposite.
Please know that you're not terrible. A person who was won't go online asking about this and then feel so guilty about it. They wouldn't care at all
I know how hard it can be to seek help too. When I was doing okay I didn't think I needed it and when I wasn't it was very difficult to confront. The first step is the hardest, but the ones after that will be less so. I can't promise you that it will be easy, but I can tell you that it is so worth it.
You're so kind, your messages do give me hope that it can get better. It's comforting to know that you also found it difficult but still managed to get help. I hope you're having a great day
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