Conversations on Dates and Dating Apps

[Winchester2022]

I recently began using dating apps again after a long break (the relationship that was the subject of my most recent posts has amicably ended). I met a woman (I’ll say “Jenna”) on one of the apps who I’ve set up a date with on Tuesday. I’m excited to meet her- she’s a scientist and seems intelligent and friendly. Like me, she has one child who’s her only child (mine is 17 y/o and her’s is 9).

We just matched yesterday morning. Her first question to me was if I have any New Year’s resolutions. I thought that was a good conversation starter because it made me reflect on my goals, and I asked her the same question.

That same evening I matched with someone else on the app (I’ll say “Lisa”). Until I’ve started seeing someone regularly at least a few times, I want to keep connections with a few people open to see how things work out. Lisa started the chat just by saying hi. I wanted to start a conversation so I thought to also ask her what her New Year’s resolutions/goals were. I thought though that if I do that I’d be copying Jenna’s question and it would make the conversation more robotic and less sincere with Lisa, and would also make things less genuine with Jenna when we meet since I’ll feel now like some sort of assembly line repeating the same things with people. I’ll feel less genuine if I talk about the same things on different dates.

Is this the “need to be perfect” OCD? There are some topics that it’s natural to talk about with multiple people. New Year’s resolutions is one of them, especially since it’s the New Year! It seems very difficult to talk about completely different things with each person we meet. I don’t have this issue with men either. For example, just today I told my father that I’m taking an online class, and we talked about it. Then, I met a friend for lunch and I told him about the same online class that I’m taking. I didn’t at all feel uneasy about talking about the same subject with my dad and then later with my friend.

Dates with someone new tend to trigger my OCD. Should I even purposely talk about the same things more than I usually would as an exposure? I’d appreciate any advice on how I should approach this situation like mindfulness techniques, etc.

Thank you and Happy New Year!

[LuvSun]

I don’t see anything wrong with asking the same questions to different people

[Winchester2022 in reply to LuvSun]

I don't either but for whatever reason it's giving me OCD.

[deValentin]

If I understand correctly, you seem bothered to have the same topic of conversation with different dates because it hurts your desire to be genuine. Why not explore a potential romantic relationship one at the time? In this way, you’re sure there is no reason to feel like you’re in “some sort of assembly line”. Maybe there is a fear that by exploring one potential romantic relationship at the time one may miss other opportunities. Barry Schwartz has written an interesting book on the paradox of choice, which asserts that learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is hard. Living in a big city with the Internet offers more opportunities and creates a problem for scrupulous people that wouldn’t exist if living in a small town without the Internet. Personally, I would explore a potential romantic relationship one at the time because I would find it hard to do it fully if I had more than one iron in the fire, so to speak. But that’s only me. Happy new year to you too!

[SCC1]

Is the reason you're seeking 2 different people because you want to open yourself up to different possibilities or opportunities and that you may find one person has better/more of them than the other? And maybe whoever has the ones you like best would be the person you would choose? Of course, I don't know if that's the case, just wondering, but I think if you date the person you find your best fit for now for awhile, you may find that they have the same qualities you're looking for that the other seems to have now.

I agree with deValentin, that you could choose only 1 person to date now and see where that takes you. If you find you don't have as much in common with one, you always have the chance to date the other/another person. It might be less intimidating and anxiety provoking if there was only one person at a time so you don't have to go back and forth between two people both mentally and physically. By physically, I mean seeing two people simultaneously.

Good luck!

[Winchester2022]

Thank you for the responses.

deValentin and SCC1 Just to clarify, I am not saying that I want to be intimate with more than one person or that I want to be dating more than one person at the same time. I just mean early on, like in the pre-meet phase, I (and I assume this is typical on the apps) have conversations going with a few people at the same time. The goal is that once I meet one and we continue meeting regularly, that at that point I won't be in active communications with the others. If for example, I match with two people on the app, and stop communicating with one of them with the idea that I want to pursue the other, then, if after my first date with the other one it doesn't work out for whatever reason, then I may have lost the opportunity to meet the person who I stopped communicating with or unmatched with. That's why I wanted to maintain at least some level of communication with both until I could meet Jenna and see how things go. To keep things in more perspective, I met both of them on Bumble- on Bumble, the woman has to be the first one to message, and, after that, if you don't respond within 24 hours the match will disappear. So, after I matched with Jenna, later in the day Lisa messaged me. If I did not respond to Lisa, the match would have expired.

I do agree though that it makes sense to focus on one person to develop a connection. Had Bumble not been programmed the way it was, I think it makes sense that if someone has a date lined up with one person, to not be engaging in a lot of conversation with others at the same time. I could have simply responded with a "hi" to Lisa and nothing more so that I could focus on my meeting with Jenna (who seems like a much better match). DeValentin a few years ago I listed to Barry Schwartz give a talk on youtube about his book the Paradox of Choice which was very interesting. I haven't read the book yet but maybe I should.

Thanks again!

[deValentin in reply to Winchester2022]

I see your point. Sometimes apps are forcing us to make choices we wouldn't have made otherwise. A loss of freedom is the price we have to pay at times for technological progress.

[Winchester2022 in reply to deValentin]

deValentin and SCC1 The other question, which I think is a common one, is is it ok to be dating one woman, for example, but also have other women just as friends. OCD makes an already not easy question more difficult by the fact that there is no clear answer. You could say it’s healthy to have others as just friends- that way you enjoy the time with your significant other even more since you wont hold a grudge about not being able even to talk to others. At the same time that leads back into the whole obsession about having the same conversations.

[SCC1 in reply to Winchester2022]

I think it is healthy to have friendships with other women. As friends only, maybe you would be more comfortable talking to them as you are your male friends. Even if you discussed the same things with your romantic partner and with your friends, it might have a different feel to it because you wouldn't be competing over the importance of a partner or just friends.

I look at friendships differently than romantic relationships. For myself, I would tell some things to one that I wouldn't to another. I think romantic relationships are more intimate mentally and there will be different things you would experience with a partner than a friend. I think you will find what feels right when you explore the options more.

I don't know if I answered your question, but just giving my thoughts.

[Winchester2022 in reply to SCC1]

SCC1 yes that helps! I also think what my therapist told me once maybe can be applied here too: “try and break rules as much as possible”. This ofcourse doesn’t mean break laws or do something unethical- it means break whatever rules OCD is imposing on you. So if OCD is saying you can’t talk about the same topic with two people, then talk about the same topic with two people. There were still be other topics during the conversation with party B that you didn’t discuss with party A, and it’s ok if the two conversations are only 80% different and not 100%. I think its the OCD that wants perfection.

[SCC1 in reply to Winchester2022]

Yes, IMO, you are right with everything you said. I'm glad you are able to find more comfort with your decisions or thoughts. Best of luck to you!

[SCC1 in reply to Winchester2022]

I hope you find the person who is right for you and have much happiness with them!

[deValentin]

I concur with what you and SCC1 said . Just one comment about “breaking the rules”: I indeed find that OCD damages our mental flexibility and ability to trust our own judgment/make up our own mind on various topics (though there is nothing wrong about asking for advice, especially when the stakes are high). And one comment about starting friendships with members of the sex we’re attracted to: if physical appearance doesn’t play a role, then I know I have no ulterior motive. If it does, I’m more careful. But that’s just me.

[Sallyskins]

I don't think there's anything wrong in discussing New Year's resolutions with more than one person - I think that it being on a date makes you more self-conscious about it, as you point out. This is possibly true for most people, not just those of us with OCD!

On a date (as opposed to being in a relationship further on) it's natural for us to want to out our best foot forward, as it were - just as we don't turn up for it in dirty, worn out clothes, or give our date a rundown of our faults, or get drunk and entertain our date with our repertoire of animal imitations, it's natural to want our conversation to be relaxed but sparkling - and afraid if it doesn't feel like that.

I think, as previous comments have alluded to, that we can be too spoilt for choice. I remember hearing a woman who had come here from the former Soviet Union describing her experiences at the supermarket - instead of semi-empty shelves and little choice, as she had been used to, she had to navigate her way past a multiplicity of choices - 'I felt crushed by it', she said.

I think online dating can be a bit like that, particularly as it's hard to pick up on things you would pick up on if you met them in a bar, or at work, on on a bus - body language, quality and tone of voice, demeanour etc - all of which determine whether you're going to be attracted to them. And then there's so much choice - is that the love of your life you've just left-swiped? And meeting someone online means you want a relationship - it's hard to establish a mere friendship that way!

I agree that it's best to pursue one person at a time, but in reality you may have to meet up with more than one person - agreeing to a date doesn't spell commitment (not at first, anyway!) Don't feel bad about keeping your options open to begin with; it isn't the same as cheating on someone.

I'm not surprised that dates set your OCD off. The fact is that OCD likes the familiar and once you step outside that you feel exposed. Try to have fun! And try to chat about what interests you both - I think New Year's resolutions is a good conversation starter!

And a Happy New Year to you!

[Winchester2022 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you Sally this is helpful! Happy New Year to you too!