Didn't know it was Bipolar!!!

[JoeS00]

Hey fellas!

For those who know me here I've spoken before about my OCD experience and how I managed to get through it, not realizing that I shouldn't have been very happy with what is to come.

2 years ago I started having existential distress that comes and goes causing suicidal thoughts and depressed feelings. Some depressive episodes were long and severe and some mild and short lived with some hypomanic episodes. Being in a mood episode you don't recognize that it's the illness.

When you are having existential distress you fall into it not knowing it's the depression. It is!

You lose joy in everything and all sense of purpose and at some point a switch flips in your brain and you're back to normal, or your mood escalates into a feeling of euphoria and you can feel it in your body; this feeling of life rushing in your veins and and the fast pace in your body and the irritability and distractibility doing multiple things at once. You get convinced you are something big and can step over anything, with multiple ideas rushing through your head.

After few days you get back to normal or you crash into a suicidal state.

That's what bipolar disorder really is.

The problem with the depressive phase how it convinces you that suicide is the answer. All dark events and dark truths in life combined with your flaws and regrets combine with the fatigue and dysfunctionality destroying your life.

I wanted to tell my story and point of view outside the psychiatric definitions of DSM-5 and remember that many people suffering with bipolar disorder don't really know they have it and let me repeat that: It convinces you it's not there.

[avoidingthebadthings]

Thanks for writing that description. I "only" have the depression part, but my brother is bipolar and I often wonder what he's experiencing. He tried to kill himself once and refuses to go back on medication or go to therapy. It's painful to know he's suffering when there are so many possible things that could help him on a daily basis. I guess, as you say, the illness has convinced him that it's not there.

[JoeS00 in reply to avoidingthebadthings]

I am sorry to hear that. In the most severe depressive state I endured I refused to seek treatment and I thought these antidepressants will just drug me out of the dark reality I believe it's true with all the sense of worthlessness I feel when all your flaws combine and convince you more that you should die. When my mood lifted I realized maybe reality is dark but the mood can be enhanced so I didn't hesitate to start therapy and I'm now on lamotrigine it's doing me good. It's hard to take the decision of therapy when you're stuck within yourself I can understand your brother well. I wish him the best. Best chance is when his mood is normal (Neither high or low) make him realize that the downs are part of the illness and will come back; he would be more reasonable in that case and might agree to treatment.

Blessings to you!

[Dollseyewarped]

This is very interesting. I'm going through something similar. I'm in my 40's and have been diagnosed with MDD, OCD, GAD, ADHD and PTSD. Something changed a few months ago while undergoing a partial hospitalization program for emotional regulation and trauma. I was in a deep depression for years and years and then I started this program which mainly taught DBT. I started doing really well until I started talking about my trauma. Then OCD showed up convincing me that I'm evil. Ever since my moods are all over the place. I've lost 80 lbs in less than 6 months. I can go from feeling great to really suicidal all in one day. I've never experienced this before. I'm either sleeping too much or I can't sleep at all. It's like my body doesn't know what to do. I'm at a total loss. Too many stupid disorders to keep track of. Then a LCSW suggested I might have female autism which would eliminate the OCD, ADHD, anxiety. I guess it depends on which school of thought you prescribe to. It's a complicated mess with all this symptom overlap.

[JoeS00 in reply to Dollseyewarped]

Hello there! You seek I'm not an expert here and I'm very sorry for your pain and tough life this is terrible. Autism and OCD occur together at a very high rate. ADHD can also occur with Autism or could be mistaken for autism and the other way around. Best thing is to treat any anxiety and depression first thing along with any trauma and try to get your life better. When your mood stabilizes you worry a little about any neurodivergence (ADHD or autism) you might have though you can't cure these things but you can certainly work on yourself to be more productive despite them. I have high functioning autism which not only affected me socially but also my executive functioning, decision making and organization skills. All I could do is figure out a routine to make the best of what I have. I will always be autistic on the high functioning end but there are always tips I follow to be more organized and better socially. My mind learns slower than other people but can learn overall.

With ADHD you struggle to focus, but with autism you focus much on details that you miss the big picture. That's how my brain works that makes me weak in understanding social cues and affects everything else, but along the years I got better at everything you simply keep on learning. Same can be said about ADHD the way your brain works you adapt to it and make the best you can out of your life.

I do wish that your anxiety and depression go away it's a tough way to live but always remember that help is there and it's possible to get better. Have you tried any Meds till now?

[Dollseyewarped in reply to JoeS00]

I've tried lots of meds. Currently on Adderall for the ADHD and Narcolepsy. I'm on something for OCD as well. Thanks for your response. Wishing you well.

[Hidden]

Hi there….your post caught my eye as it describes me to a T. I was finally diagnosed with cyclothymia, a less severe form of bipolar. i am in my 60’s and this occurred after I experienced trauma 5 years ago. Before that, I was completely ‘normal’. Anyways, I am working with an EMDR trauma specialist who will hopefully help deal with the trauma and with the aftereffects of my hypomanic behavior. It is most certainly a tough way to live.

[JoeS00 in reply to Hidden]

Trauma is so debilitating. The anxiety and depression that can result afterwards can certainly destroy you. I am sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you are seeking therapy. I do wish you the best❤

[deValentin]

What I’m going to say it’s not scientifically based, but when I experienced an OCD peak, I felt like I was in a manic state: I wouldn’t rest until I found a perfect certainty, no sacrifice was too great to get it, I felt a hyper motivation to solve the issue that tormented me in the moment and a hypo motivation for everything else. In contrast, when I realized, after some time, I couldn’t get the results I was looking for, problems accumulated in my life, and I lost complete interest in normal tasks and activities, I felt like in a depressed state. There must be some overlapping in mental disorders.

[JoeS00]

Well bipolar and OCD can occur together many people experience both or like depression with OCD. If you treat OCD and these mood swings prevail, then you probably have a mood disorder with the OCD. I have OCD with bipolar but they occur separately usually in my case.