This post mentions suicide and some sensitive topics and may be triggering. It's also longer but I tried to cut it down so please bear with me.
I've been living with OCD since I was diagnosed at age 9. Fairly standard symptoms, I went through ERP and CBT until age 16 when I made major strides and didn't need therapeutic treatment anymore (but stayed on a basic antidepressant).
Unfortunately, my own therapist took his own life about a year later, and as I joke "it sort of hit the undo button on all the therapy". I stayed on the same basic level of antidepressant with no increase, and just used the tools I was taught to get through life.
In high school, I wanted to study to become a psychologist or psychiatrist myself, because I really wanted to help others live better lives. Until frankly I lost hope for therapy after the suicide. I figured with all a specialist's time, research, and healthy coping methods if my former therapist didn't think it was worth it or that if he didn't feel like his OCD or his patients were getting better then what is the point of it all. Especially given the high cost of therapy in my country, and many countries.
Before I entered college, I changed to study Accounting. Something stable, boring, and well-paid so that I could provide for my family and those I cared about. His suicide made me realize (or well, believe) that some people cannot be helped. It was around this time I became hyper aware of so many deficiencies and injustices in the medical system (especially because I live in America...) and I just didn't want to navigate all of those becoming a therapist. I threw my hands up and said, "I'll just make money and try to have a happy family because the system is broken". I worked a job to support myself all throughout college, and each company I worked at genuinely helped people. I was not cut out for accounting and nearly failed out of the program. I taught myself to code and was able to line up a great job for after graduation that I'm currently working in.
I had two successful long term relationships during college and one ended recently. It incredibly limited my friend group- my ex girlfriend weaponized my mental health against me and made everyone believe I was crazy. It was because I was actually honest with her and I admitted details about my OCD like violent obsessions- which she told others about after we broke up.
To be frank, despite having most of the external measures of success, and a life of reasonable luxury I'm still miserable. I've run out of the will to delude myself into believing the world is getting better. I don't see the point in anything. I feel like a robot going through each day just because I have to. I'm incredibly lonely and I strive for any connection outside of my immediate family, but I don't trust anyone because I think they'll die/scam/blackmail me or just be jerks in general. I have become very pessimistic about Human nature.
I see the problems everywhere, in every system and there are no solutions, or there are solutions but everyone won't agree or won't see the logic behind them. I obsess over the problems and I can't tell what a reasonable fear or thought is anymore. Not to get political, but I'm scared America is falling into fascism and the world is descending into chaos and war. There are facts and figures that help prove this but everyone sees it as an opinion. There are leading professors warning about the USA falling into fascism, the war in Ukraine grows on every day and Russia inches closer to the nuclear button. Read How Democracies Die - which was written and published in 2016 before the Trump presidency when he was a candidate. It outlines the historical fall of democracies and I see the US is headed down that path just like the authors do. International folks- am I crazy or does everyone else see the US going down this path too? I know a lot of people laugh at us and hate us and for good reason.
Thank you for reading my story, I know it's long but I'm just looking to find hope again. Hope for human nature, hope for the world, hope for my country, hope for society, and hope for therapy. I'm trying to get myself to go back to therapy but programs are either intensive and would limit my ability to work- or I have to wait over a month for a basic session. No matter what I'm going to be paying a high cost, because I'm in America. I also feel like anything I say would just be transferring my depression/anger onto my therapist and making their lives more difficult.
Written by
BrunoWayne
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I can relate to you on quite a few things you have mentioned. But the unfortunate case with your therapist is one I cannot. It sounds like it has been a significant hit on your recovery journey and perspective on this topic. It would definitely throw me, as well as many others off course and I can understand to some extent, on why you have lost some hope.
Recently, I have come out of a period of intense frequency of doubt and obsessive thoughts and being emotionally dull. I still experience these a little and they try and creep up from time to time. People I know often label me as being emotionless and I don't blame them really for it. I obviously express emotion and feel various emotions but I will not exaggerate or display them clearly. I believe that is because I am lost in thought a lot or I like a stoic approach. However, I am genuine and I mean it when I say I am grateful for example, even if I'm not showing excitement. I too feel like the world around us is not a suitable environment for maintaining our mental health, especially if we let it consume us. Our society is definitely not improving and many are blind to what is really happening and that what we now consider 'normal' is actually detrimental to the future. I learnt that it is better to focus on your local environment meaning your close circle of family and friends and the actions and footprint you leave behind. You are right, not everyone can be helped and if we do want to help we can only do our best. I read and research a lot and I try advise people close to me that certain things like processed foods, long exposure to social media and harmful content for instance, are damaging. However, they do not listen and I can't force them to change even if I know the dangers. So I can only practice what I preach. Like you though, sometimes everyday feels the same and I'm just existing and I believe its the primary reason I push myself to do more because I don't want to feel like I have no purpose. I don't blame you for having a pessimistic view on the world. When you explore it, you find everything is against us and it is sad to see that people are blind and willingly accept the first thing they put their eyes on or listen to. But it goes back to my point of making the world smaller and focusing on your world to improve. When you are surrounded by darkness I guess we must provide the light for ourselves.
I have doubts on trust in people and false information as well which is why I research a lot on topics and I advise people to do their own research even if I am telling them what I've learnt. People may not agree with us and some may even say because we have OCD we are thinking too much about it and our points are based on doubts fed by obsessions. But the evidence for what we are saying is clear if people look properly. I agree with your view on the way America is going and I believe here in the UK and the Western World in general we are falling further down a pit in multiple aspects. Whether that is politics, healthcare, movements, food we consume, advertising and the way film and media portray life or influence life. Many of my friends become distant as I believe I have become a lot more mature at 20 years of age then the rest of them. Of course, I like to be with friends and spend time with people or have fun but departing ways is expected and most do not see the world I do. That is fine, I know which path I want to take and their life is different.
There is still room for me to improve on this mental recovery journey and maintaining a healthy mindset and through writing my own guides I am building something I can follow and look back on if I ever face an obstacle. How I find hope again even if its just a little was changing my perspective and making the world smaller like I mentioned. Focus on your own footprint and journey and analyse which external factors should have influence on you and which should be avoided. If you can make your own environment a comfortable and optimistic place then the negative parts of the outside world is forgotten. I highlighted my short, mid-term and long-term goals so that I can visually see the paths I want to take and explore and putting up a task list everyday based on this has made me find purpose again. I questioned purpose a lot but now I define purpose as living life in a way that I will be proud of my actions in the present and future and others will also be proud in the way I have acted. Therefore, I can find happiness from that and when I am older I will not look back and regret not acting before it was too late or not living before youth ends and age makes it difficult. Yeah it is going to be lonely at times but its an opportunity to grow independently and learn how to take responsibility over ourselves so that we can properly look after other people in our lives and our future family that we build. It is better than being a sheep chasing a lifestyle to satisfy others. Other things I do are acknowledge gratefulness throughout the day and to smile more. At first this was difficult because I didn't feel happy or grateful for life and there was no reason to smile. So it began as something forced but eventually I improved my mood from these actions. I also recommend meditation as it has helped calm my mind a lot and makes me less annoyed or triggered at things that test you in life.
You said there is a lot more that you wanted to put but you've condensed your message down. If you would like to discuss anything then I am more than happy to talk with you. Doesn't have to be about OCD even but that is up to you. I hope this is helpful in some way and I wish you the best of luck with your journey.
"I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity" - Albert Einstein.
Thank you for your kind words and your advice about focusing on a smaller environment and other good habits to try. I definitely need to do more meditation and gratitude exercises in my life. I haven't heard that Einstein quote before but I relate to it a lot and thank you for including it. I appreciate your offer to talk, and know I am here for you as well
Hi Bruno, I don't know if I can help you, but I hope I can, if only a little. I read between the lines that you have to be an intelligent young man. And sensitive. I know something about America, but it's far away for me. Although I do follow the news, but not daily. Too much misery. Bruno, I have a son of almost 21 years. He has been at home for almost 4 years. Very social boy, always wanted to help and advise others etc. He collapsed in 2021. Literal. I'll spare the whole story. He got vague physical complaints. And extremely tired, he still is. After a year, I ended up looking for a VItamine B12 deficiency. Very complex thing. The OCD has gradually emerged. At the moment very intense 24/7. He says it's hell. I thought this doesn't suit him. There must be something causing this. Really Bruno, you are amazed at what you come across. The OCD symptoms can come from mold in the home. Visible but also invisible.
On Facebook there is the Toxic Mold support group. There I have heard many about serious mental complaints due to mold. SIBO or Leaky gut is also something like that. Overgrowth of bacteria in the small intestine. Or parasites. The intestines are your second brain. OCD manifests itself in many forms. See for yourself if you can post something I say. Our search is also ongoing, but I know, the puzzle will soon fall into place. Also for you Bruno. A lot of strength and strength, find a nice person you can turn to. Love from Holland.You cannot carry the suffering of an entire country on your shoulders. Take care of yourself first, and who knows what lies ahead for you.......
Thank you for the story about your son, it really helped me realize I'm not alone. You're right, I should take a look at all of the factors in my life and how they contribute to my OCD. I don't have the healthiest eating habits and that is something I should work on changing
I am trying to find a nice person to turn to, but they are very hard to find. I also am thinking taking care of myself means leaving my country... but I don't want to leave my family behind and I don't know if that is a part of my OCD or something I need to be happy... it is hard to tell what is real
I COMPLETELY AGREE AND UNDERSTAND!!!!! I, myself just posted about the failures in mental health care. You are on point! And, you need hugggggggggsssss. Well more than hugs but from me, that's what I can do. Please, remain hopeful. If you do, then I will too bc right now, I'm hopeless.
Hang in there, it gets better, right? Another hugggggggg for you. I'm around a lot if you need to talk or vent ok?
Thank you, sending a hug your way as well! There is hope for change we just have to search extra hard to find it sometimes, and we have to rely on each other. Thank you for listening to my story, I'm here for you too
I note you’re a very young man. You also strike me as being very sensitive, caring and kind. Those traits are going to help you get by and be a really positive member of society in the long run.
True there are a lot of negative forces in the world and this planet can be very scary at times. I’m 63 and live in the UK and have lived through lots of scary times. During the Cold War (I was a child then), we worried we were very lost to nuclear annihilation. From that point onwards I seem to live through chapter after chapter of really scary stuff.
However, overall, mankind seems to figure out a way of making things better, sometimes infinitesimally so.
It’s important too to remember we all have a sphere of influence, maybe just talking about your political views, voting are a start.
The most important thing is to try to make your life and the lives of those closest to you better (whilst avoiding intentionally harming others in the process), in whatever way you can.
Although you seem scared of engaging with the wider world at times, it’s so important to put yourself out there to experience life fully. You must not allow some ‘bad’ people to stop you living the richest life you can.
You have a long life ahead, a lot to learn. Control what you can control and don’t let unenlightened people drag you down.
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