want to stay but tired

[OCDlivrecovery]

Hi everyone.. I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years now, and it started off very well. Put recently my therapist has pointed out it has gone toxic, and no matter how much I want things to get better they seem to be worse. She suggested I called my local DV hotline, I have no where to go because my mom is abusive and cannot go back to her. I’m 23, and I need to get back on my feet, even though it’s not physical abuse, it’s just every constant verbal and emotional when he is upset, and slot of textbook tactics… but then he is very sweet.. I am limited with funds and no contact with my family, so finding a place is really hard and I’m just so tired.

[Sallyskins]

This is a really difficult situation you're in. It does sound as though you need to get out of this relationship. It can be as demoralizing to be bombarded with verbal abuse and constant criticism as it is to be physically assaulted. The cumulative effects can be serious.

To say that 'then he is very sweet' suggests to me that you are giving him more credit for his occasional normal, decent behaviour than he deserves. The occasional kind word or cup of tea doesn't make up for all the abusive behaviour he inflicts on you - there really is no need to make excuses for him.

In a previous post from a few days ago you mentioned your father. Is there any way he could help? Are there any other family members or friends you could ask?

One major problem in abusive relationships is that the abusive partner often cuts you off from your support network - family, friends, colleagues - and isolates you. So if you feel you've not got anyone to turn to, that's most likely down to him.

Do as your therapist says and get in touch with a DV organization. They can give both practical support and moral support.

Often people who come from abusive backgrounds, as you say you do, have low self-esteem. This often means you put up with abusive treatment because it's what you're used to, and because you don't feel you deserve better. This leaves you prey to abusive people, who bully and manipulate you. And the more you are bullied and manipulated, the less you feel able to fight back and the lower your self-esteem becomes.

A toxic, abusive partner is something you don't need. Don't think that you have to put up with it. At the moment you feel trapped - but there are ways out.

[avoidingthebadthings]

As Sallyskins says, you have to put yourself and your mental health first here. The domestic violence orgs will have shelters where you can stay until you can get back on your feet. They have counselors who will work with you to figure out a plan of action. They have therapists who will work intensively with you to get you through this really difficult period.

They are non-judgemental, and they have lots of resources at their fingertips to help you with permanent housing solutions. They are very used to women coming in who have left everything at the spur of the moment in order to save themselves. As you say, you're very tired and you need a safe space to rest. That's what you'll be given.

Emotional and verbal abuse is every bit as dangerous as physical abuse. You have a right to ask for help. You have a right to receive help. No one is going to deny you help. Just take that first step and make the phone call. It's a hard thing to do, especially when you have ambivalent feelings about the relationship you're in. No amount of wishing will save this relationship. It will continue to cycle through the honeymoon period, followed by the abusive period. It's very difficult to leave, but you have to do it to save yourself and your mental health.

You also have a right to request that the counselors you work with are women. Sometimes it can be triggering to have counselors who are men when something like this happens. The shelters are very used to this request, so please make it if you have an inkling that it will help you feel more comfortable.

You are going to be okay. You are already doing the right thing by asking for help here. One more step with contacting a DV place and you will be on your way. Yes, it is stepping into the unknown, but you will have lots of help. It's scary to leave, but it's even scarier to think what could happen to you if you stay. First you need a safe place to rest and let your mind feel safe. Get to that place and then the rest will follow. We're rooting for you!

[IStillHaveHope]

Hello. I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know if this will help, but this post reminds me of my daughter and this is what I would say to her.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has the right to treat you that way. You are a unique and beautiful creature who is worthy of love and respect. If someone doesn't see you that way then it is on them. Find someone who is willing to treat you as an equal. You are under no obligation to "fix" anyone. You are strong and you are capable even if you don't always feel that way.

I read something a long time ago about relationships that stuck with me. It said that there are 3 kinds of relationships. The first one is a dependent relationship. This is the the stereotype of, "I cannot live without them!" and is the least desired. It means your less together than you are apart since you both can't function independently.

The second one is a independent relationship. This is better than the first but neither of you is better off than they would be by themselves so there really is no benefit to the relationship.

The third one is a interdependent relationship. This is a relationship where you can function fine apart, but you help, support, and encourage one another when together. You are capable of more together than you are apart. You should seek to create as many types of these relationships as possible (friends, co-workers, lover, etc.).

Sorry if I rambled a bit. It's just if I found out someone was treating my daughter this way I'd throttle them :-). I really hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve. Remember, you are worth it. God bless.