Idk what to title this

[strawberryoni]

So recently my partner and I went through a really traumatic fight and almost split up. And the reasons why are my fault. I’ve made so many mistakes because I let my fear and anxiety control everything. I’ve wanted to be better and be functional for so long but I’ve just consistently had this ideal that my meds or one day I’m just gonna snap out of it and that’s just not true. I have to put in the work. I’m starting therapy for the first time in 2-3 years tomorrow and I’m nervous but excited. I have a lot still going on in my mind though and my mind and body have been in a state of fight or flight since things happened Tuesday. I’m having moments where I’m trying to sleep but I wake up freaking out for no reason. You’ll have to forgive my rambling I’m just trying to figure out the best way to get through all this. I don’t want to give up even though it feels impossible and terrifying. And I have the what if questions scaring the crap out ofme. I’m so afraid to lose my partner because I’m madly in love with them and it’s been us together for 5 years. I keep reminding myself too that people make mistakes but you have to grow and that couples go through periods where it’s not easy and everyone’s hurting. I just keep having paranoia and my panic trying to slap me in my face. I’m tired of letting my past haunt me, and the future scaring me. I want to be able to live in the now and be happy. Has anyone else gone through these types of things so I don’t feel as alone? Any tips of stopping the intrusive thoughts or anything so I can just progress?

[alyssuh]

I haven’t had an experience like yours where the anxiety and fear i felt impacted the relationship where my partner and i fought, but it impacted me and how i thought and felt about the relationship which brought so much negativity. It had me saying certain things to try and get reassurance in some way and thinking things that drove me crazy because they were all possible, which is what i didn’t want to believe! But, in general, i find theres no way to completely stop the intrusive thoughts without going nuts. They will always be there, its just how we respond to them. With the therapy, the skills learned will help to better cope with the intrusive thoughts. Although i’m sure you know it can be awful also facing reality and uncertainty by letting yourself know anything is possible whether you like it or not can sometimes help you cope because you’re showing the ocd that the fear it brings upon you is weaker than it appears because you say to yourself although its a possibility, i welcome the uncertainty. Then carry on and you probably won’t even be thinking about that intrusive thought anymore. I definitely still struggle with this but i know its helped and i wish you the best with your progress and relationship. I’m assuming he knows about the ocd?...either way, i hope he is a good support system for you

[ChristianWolff]

Strawberry,

You are wise to seek therapy. I can relate to what you describe only that during the time of my marriage I was undiagnosed battling something that had no name. As difficult as it was to live with me, I was harder on myself. Unfortunately not having a diagnosis and the appropriate therapy my marriage blew up in spectacular fashion. There were other things going on with my spouse that I was not aware of so the end was actually a new beginning for me. I wish you the best of luck, but most of all be gentle with yourself.

[Selesnya]

I have had to deal with some issues similar to this. One of my greatest fears is that my wife and I are going to end up fighting and get divorced. Don't take my route, which was to withdraw and retreat from interactions with her due to fear that I would say or do something to drive her away. If there's a possible way to work through things together, try to take on the issues head on.

When I started seeing my therapist for treatment with OCD, one of the first things that she tried to get me to do was to go into couples counseling with my wife. Now, over a year later, my wife and I are finally starting to work through our issues and all of the difficulties that my OCD and depression have caused over the last few years that has almost torn us apart. We are trying to work through things on our own without seeing a therapist. I really have no idea how it is going to go and I am deathly afraid of what might happen.

This may be getting too far into other resources, but a marriage counselor that I talked to recommended 'Hold Me Tight' by Sue Johnson. You can find a number of podcasts where Sue Johnson is being interviewed and talks about how having a strong attachment bond with our partner is crucial to knowing that we will be there to support each other. One of them is:

alanis.com/wellness/podcast...

You can search for 'Sue Johnson podcast' or 'Hold Me Tight podcast' to find more. There is an online version of Hold Me Tight as well:

holdmetightonline.com/

I have no idea how good it is, but it's another option if you don't want to go through a book on your own or see a therapist.

I would also say that working with a therapist for OCD can transform how you look at personal interactions. If I look at the attachment true/false test in Hold Me Tight (click 'Look Inside' and find pages 57 and 58), I can see that I score about a 12/15 with my therapist, versus 3/15 with my wife right now:

amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Co...

Anyways, my relationship with my therapist is showing me what is possible in a personal relationship. It is so far outside of what I have ever experienced before, but now I know what I want from my wife, and I'm working to do what I can to make that happen.

I feel like I am just rambling now, but I can so completely relate to what you are feeling. It is the worst feeling in the world to think that someone you deeply care about might reject you or you might end up driving them away.

[Surreylady]

What kind of paranoia are you having?

What was your argument about if you don't mind me asking? maybe just give each other space and then come to an agreement to get better first I think.

I used to wake up with fear and stress and also used to shake for no reason, maybe due to my stress from my trauma perhaps. I've had about 6 free sessions based on ERP and CBT therapy and I can honestly say I do feel a lot better and calmer. I do get a bit of OCD from time to time but I have managed to control it especially this week, it's been a god send! I feel calmer and better, yesterday I cheered myself up by buying two bunches of flowers, the weather helped as well. If you see a lot of sun get out there and get as much vitamin C as you can! it will make you feel more relaxed and take your mind off your problems you are experiencing x

[Hidden]

I continue to relive my past. Flashbacks come every few minutes and I catastrophic thinking about the future for 37 years. I can't rely on meds alone. Counseling is important. I think that to live in the moment the future is not here I am making expectations about what will happen. That causes me anxiety. I can't change my past even though I survived torture and I struggle to find where I belong now. That causes me depression. Up and down. My lovely wife princess and our dog are my go during the depression and they help me find the positive in the negative. I am a firm believer in the power of animals and their rehabilitation they can offer us. Johnny