Exhausted and so tired

[alyssuh]

Hello all. I have my moments, like i’m sure we’ve all had, where the ocd is too much to handle and i’m just so mentally exhausted and sick of it. Where i just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I’ve always had these moments, sometimes they happen less than a handle of times a year, and i end up truly feeling like i could just die or kill myself then and be okay. Well since starting my medication, i’ve been saying to myself i want to hurt myself and before i started the meds i began hitting myself in the head. Now i do it more often than i’d like and its done in a ritualistic way where i have to do it a certain amount of times. So annoying.

Anyways, besides wanting to hurt myself, i had the thought of wanting to kill myself last night. I have noticed it a couple times before as if it was a voice deeply tucked away in my head and i’ve been brushing it off. But last night i was so tired of the shit ocd puts me through, and the thought of wanting to kill myself just got louder. It scared me and i have been telling my mom and my siblings and best friend that whenever i feel like i’d rather be dead, i let them know. But last night was the first time i had the actual thought of wanting to kill myself since i was 16. I told my family and my best friend because i feel people should always be aware, and of course they are so worried for me. I know i don’t want to die yet. I am very aware of myself and my thoughts and what i can get through and i have been through these extremely debilitating patches of ocd before and came out fine. Its just always scary to think that the opposite could happen as well.

I don’t think i wanted any advice or had a question to add to this...but if anyone reads it and feels or has felt the same, you’re not alone. Help is everywhere especially within yourself. I try to take my own advice everyday. I’m still feeling a bit empty after last night, but also somewhat better. Idk where i’m going with this anymore. But i will be letting my psychiatrist know on saturday.

Thank you to whoever reads

[Selesnya]

I have certainly been through this type of thinking. Check out this article by Shala Nicely:

psychologytoday.com/us/blog...

She directly addresses this loop that we get caught in and she says it much better than I can type out right now.

[alyssuh in reply to Selesnya]

Thank you. I actually am almost done reading her “fred” book. Its taking me forever to finish though

[Tinkering]

You are not alone. OCD is an isolating disorder, but those thoughts pass. I do understand how awfully frustrating it is to live with it on a daily basis. Some antidepressants do wonders. Lexapro worked well for many years before it stopped working. Keep in touch with your therapist and find a psychiatrist who can work with you. Exercise helps too. Be well!

[alyssuh in reply to Tinkering]

Thank you, i am seeing a psychiatrist but can’t afford a therapist who does cbt anymore 🙁 and oh yes i workout often! Working out and cleaning are my escapes from my mind. Although sometimes it makes its way in there

[Tinkering in reply to alyssuh]

Well that is positive. Hang in there. Check out this therapist on YouTube. I have watched her many times.

youtu.be/mf6575g11Pk(Not working as expected?)

[Hidden]

Hi Alyssuh - I'm happy for you that you have a psychiatrist you can share these experiences with, and also your family.

[Fearnomore]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Suffering from OCD can be quite debilitating at times Always remember you are special and worthy of a beautiful life. God loves you and wants you here! My best wishes to you!