Hi everyone, I’m on holiday and I’m really trying hard to enjoy myself - but the anxiety of trying to get through my holiday whilst resisting the thoughts of I’m going to do my OCD compulsions when I get back home is really difficult as I really don’t want to!
My OCD is around my PC and whenever something goes wrong I feel I have to reset the device back to factory settings.
Rationally I know my PC is fine as it works perfectly okay, but when something goes wrong I worry, even though it is usually a one off.
These are the events that happened:
I had to uninstall the software that controls my laptop, (adjusts fan speeds & lighting) as it kept saying it needed updating and the only way to get around the error was to do this and then re-install. Re-installed and everything worked perfectly. I followed the steps provided by the manufacturer to the t. I’m worried though that even though it works perfectly I have caused something bad to happen.
I had an error in the background regarding Windows so I did a CHKDSK scan which I was worried may find errors and cause issues. Followed Windows 11 support article and they recommend you carry out the steps I took. Also the scan didn’t find any errors and the issue hasn’t re-occurred and it’s been a month.
I don’t see why my brain is telling me endlessly even when I’m enjoying myself whilst I’m away to reset the device when I am back home. I feel like people may judge me for not resetting it and I have the niggling though that the device isn’t ‘as new’ as I’ve had to uninstall things and come across errors, but that’s what PCs are for? My phone does the same and I don’t worry as much, I turn it off and back on and carry on with my day and if it does break down with a clear fault then I get it fixed.
I’m writing this because then the thought popped into my head, isn’t it just easier to do the OCD compulsions when I get back because then I don’t have to contend with the thoughts whilst I’m away and I can re-assure myself knowing I will take that step without having to contend with the ‘what-if’ thoughts.
Any insight or help would be much appreciated, as I’m feeling a little lost enjoying myself going round Amsterdam to find my brain saying ‘what if, why don’t you, your laptop is faulty’ etc. I feel ashamed and embarrassed.
Online guided meditation videos about ruminating are helping me. Meditation and mindfulness, also supplements like L theanine, magnesium, GABA and occasionally benzodiazepines are helping me.
It may seem like doing a compulsion would be easier so you don’t have to deal with a “what if” but if you do that you will be feeding the OCD cycle. You feel the temporary relief when you do the compulsion which reinforces the obsession. Your brain will register that as the obsession was correct, something was wrong, because the compulsion made me feel better. OCD will throw another “what if” at you and the cycle will start over. It will keep repeating as long as you keep feeding it with compulsions. This is how OCD grows and our lives shrink. The more we give to OCD, the more it takes. The distress of not doing compulsions can be intense but it will lessen on its own when we don’t do compulsions.
This therapist really helped me understand rumination and the importance of not engaging in it. Rumination is a compulsion like any other and it's something you can choose to do or not do. It is true that the initial worrisome thoughts pop into our heads and there's nothing we can do to prevent that (and we shouldn't try). However, all the "figuring out" that follows the initial disturbing thought is voluntary -- we do it because we think we'll get some sort of answer that makes us feel better. Sometimes we do, but it's usually temporary because the OCD finds another angle to worry us with (like Natureloverpeace described).
You said, "Rationally I know my PC is fine as it works perfectly okay," and that should be the end of all the thought you give to this worry. You have OCD, so your brain is going to keep bringing up the topic ("But what if it's NOT okay???"), but you don't have to respond to that thought. It feels wrong and negligent not to address it, but if you avoid addressing it the worry will eventually lose its power and urgency. The feeling of wrongness and negligence is just a product of a psychological problem you have and does not mean anything in the real world. Obviously, that means that you should not do the compulsion of resetting your PC when you get home.
It helps me to ask what a "normal" person would do when I am hit with an intrusive worry. If you are having an experience where "I don’t see why my brain is telling me endlessly..." or "My phone does the same and I don’t worry as much," then you're having an OCD episode and it should be treated as such.
This was so difficult for me a few years back. It would be like a game of chance everytime I would go on vacation. Would I ruminate while laying on the beach today? Would I ruminate while snorkeling? Would I ruminate while going for dinner?
I would always hope that it would be the case that leaving home would mean leaving my problems.
Unfortunately, that wasn't always the case. Sometimes the obsessions would come right alongside to the tropical escape along with me. Damn it!
Sometimes ruminations and compulsions seem stronger because we lack that sense of control, being in an unfamiliar environment.
However, in that case I've found for me the most effective is not to try to banish them from the mind. They come back even stronger. Fighting!
I started experimenting with- what if this thought was welcome? What if I let it stay? What if I gave it a place, a bite to eat, and let it join me and my pineapple on the beach?
To my surprise, once a thought was welcome, it didn't need to pester me. It no longer needed to bid for my attention, because it was already acknowledged. Not to say that the acknowledgment means constant interaction with the thought. Truly the opposite.
Acccepting the thought and letting it stay, meant it no longer needed to pester at the outskirts of my mind, with me pushing it away.
What would happen if you accepted that very uncomfortable thought that you are fighting to banish?
Thank you so much for your reply, very kind of you to share. Wow, it feels like you know me as what you said whilst you were on holiday with the thoughts popping in is happening to me. I’m sorry you experienced similar, but I’m glad I’m not alone with this. I love your ideas and will try practising them over the next few days.
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