cant tell if its me, or if im being gaslit

[OCDlivrecovery]

Today we woke up and we were getting ready for the day, we both received emails about graduation practice today. He has made it very clear he doesn’t even want to go and doesn’t care about walking, and so he said he felt that it was okay to not go. I was immediatiely on board being I was concerned because I want to walk. And I said ‘oh well I don’t know, ill have to read it and email, Kelly to see” his mood changed and I asked what was wrong he told me to just fuck off. I brushed my teeth, read the graduation emails and sat down next to him and asked what his think we should do. He was pissy, and said he doesn’t want to deal with this shit or add anymore shit on to it, and I said I understand but can I please make this one thing a priority for me, (my dad would be devastated if I didn’t walk) , he was annoyed I said that because “I have been saying that about everything recently”. I said it again in a sarcastic tone that it was important and to understand and he got mad, said “Fuck you, you crazy psychopath bitch’ “I am not trying to stop you from anything, and to stop projecting my shit onto him. I got mad and raised my voice saying don’t ever speak to me like that or call me that again. I am in the other room, I really can’t tell if im doing something manipulative and projecting my feelings? Or if he just hates the fact that I call him out on certain things. I am always the one apologizing and growing and trying to be better, I don’t just say sorry and he knows it I FEEL horrible and could stay like that for months. So to call me a crazy physcopath bitch hurts me a lot when I am not acting in a crazy behavior at all.. The other day he Brought up that my eyes use to go black when I was drinking, he this the day after our therapy session, because he asked me what was wrong like 7 times in the day and said he could tell but didn’t feel safe and it gets no where I tried to express that and just how his anger outbursts even though they are not at me, they still affect me, and that’s how the black eyes things got brought into conversation. After, I said he can be temperamental. I know he’s not going to apologize, so I am just really hurt. my diagnoses has been OCD, CPTSD, and Depression. for reference

[Focusedmind]

I find that often men have a hard time responding with compassionate words because they are afraid of appearing "sissy," so things come out in anger instead. Calling you names and using swear words are examples of this. I understand you want to please your dad by walking during the graduation ceremony, and you should, even if by yourself.

We are brought up to believe we can get all our needs met by just one person (Our knight in shining armor) when in reality, we often require to get those needs met by various people. We need to have girlfriends, parents, counselors, friends, etc., to talk to about issues in our life. Our boyfriends or husbands can't fulfill every single requirement.

I have been married a long time, and one thing I know about my husband is that often I can respond to emotions faster than he can. He often tells me, "Give me a day to think about this, and can we talk about this tomorrow?" Although not always true, I believe that male and female brains are wired differently.

As I comprehend it, women have more connections running back in forth between the left and right parts of the brain than men do. And Somehow, men's brains are more compartmentalized than women's. Therefore, I believe women can respond more quickly to emotional responses than men. As I said, my husband often needs a day to "understand" his feelings about a topic, whereas I know almost immediately. So, by waiting a day or two, we can have a calm conversation about the same issue that previously would have eluded us. I think growing older helps this relationship, as well.

[Hidden]

"Fuck you, you crazy psychopath bitch?" Would your friends talk this way to you? Would you talk this way to them? He is not your friend. You deserve kindness and respect.

[avoidingthebadthings]

Is there a reason why you are still living with him? He sounds like he's got a lot of stuff to work through in therapy. For starters, he's not okay right now about anything in his life, including the end of college. He sounds like he's incredibly insecure and is compensating by trying to control you. He's threatened by your relationship with your dad, so he is threatened by you walking at graduation for your dad. He's threatened that you feel differently from him.

He's not in a healthy place right now, so the optimal solution would be to spend time away from him before and after graduation. It's too triggering a situation, and you need time to see that he's absolutely screwing with your head and gaslighting you. You've already got PTSD and it's really easy to be attracted to these types who bring the angry drama because that's the stress level you're used to. I've been there myself. Break the cycle as soon as you can.

Spend time by yourself and work to appreciate your strengths and respect your own decisions without seeking reassurance from volatile men. There are plenty of gentle men out there who don't operate on this level of hostility. It'll take awhile to start to be attracted to them, but they are the keepers. Life can be lived calmly and sanely with a partner, or you may decide to go without a partner for awhile.

You can change your mind whenever you want, and you don't need to give anyone an excuse. Especially those who mistreat you. You are the boss of you, not anyone else, despite what they may want you to believe. I'm rooting for you!

[Sallyskins]

This sounds like gaslighting. This sounds like abuse. And it's something that you should not put up with.

There's temperamental - the sort of person that can fly off the handle but it all right in a moment. And there's controlling and abusive - and that sounds like your partner here.

A graduation ceremony is important to some people, and often particularly important to their parents, and this should be accepted by your partner. Some people can't be arsed about it, and that's their - and his - choice. But he doesn't have the right to decide for you.

I'm not surprised about your diagnoses - his behaviour is enough to cause mental illness. But that's down to him, not you. It's hard to shake off such abuse as he inflicts on you. It's meant to hurt, and it does.

Such gratuitous cruelty is not acceptable. It shouldn't be you that is apologizing and grovelling just to placate an angry, abusive and cruel man.

He isn't going to stop being abusive. I don't mean that people can't reform, but while he has you as a punchbag he is going to go on with this behaviour.

Don't let him. Talk to someone you can trust about getting out of this relationship, which will go on damaging you. Arrange somewhere where you can go that is safe.

The more you stay, the more abusive he will get and you don't deserve that. In fact you deserve so much better - someone that will treat you with love and care.

[Winnie_WTP]

This is clearly abusive behavior from this guy. I can't know for sure but I'm wondering if he might be a narcissist, in which case the cycle of abuse is love bomb, devalue and discard. Other characteristics of narcissistic abuse are gaslighting and manipulation. Calling you names and consistent criticism are all devaluing someone. Narcissists criticize their targets but do not self reflect nor do they take feedback well. I don't know this person so I cannot know for sure if they are a narcissist but with the name calling, swearing and constant criticism, it's clear this person is abusive to you. I hope you are able to heal and find peace for yourself. Just because someone criticizes you about something, doesn't make it true.