that time of the year!

[AlexisKY]

hi everyone, it’s been a while!

And while I’m thankful I’ve been away for so long (not suffering ocd/anxiety) I’m back because it’s come back full force.. as it usually does.

I’ve been pretty much anxiety/ocd free for a while now, but over the recent few months, my boyfriend had talked about moving out of his house (him and his brother own it) and moving in with a friend. We’ve been together 3 years, given we’ve broken up a few times here and there, but we’ve been back together for a long time now.

Anyways, when he had mentioned moving in with a friend, it sort of struck a cord in me. Making me envious and/or angry, that he’d choose to do that, rather than live with me. We’re 27 after all. So I had started thinking of other guys, past guys I used to talk to, thinking “what if” what if I had ended up with them, would I have a place of my own with them by now? And other thoughts. Then I had started to try and look up said guys on social media and such, because I was curious about what they’ve been up to in life, didn’t find anything, then let it go after some digging around.

Well, that’s when my anxiety struck. ROCD hit me hard, making me think I was being unfaithful, guilty of looking at other guys because I was happy in my relationship, and so obviously I had told my boyfriend about everything. He was very supportive, even though he was a bit upset at first.

Long story short, we’re actually about to get OUR own apartment soon (and I’m super happy to hopefully be living with him soon) but I’m still suffering from ROCD currently. I keep questioning my thoughts surrounded by other guys. Like “oh he’s cute, you probably don’t love your boyfriend” or “oh, you want to be with that guy, not your boyfriend” and endless other frustrating intrusive thoughts.

TLDR; I know reassurance isn’t supposed to be asked for, but I’m hoping someone will have some insight, or even stories of their own if they’re going through/have gone through the same thing.

[TomFed]

I have OCD affecting my relationships with women throughout all my adult life (I'm 34 and still haven't met one which I would feel is Ms Right). When I am dating, not just screwing around, I'm in constant doubt if this is the right person for me. I won't call it ROCD, as I'm not very focused on this topic, but the reoccurring doubts messed up a few very promising relationships. But you know what - in the end it doesn't matter, it is YOU and YOUR WELL BEING that matters most, so focus more on your inner calm and happiness, healing from OCD, and everything will be ok, as it has to be. Maybe even the doubt about your partner will go away at some point. Good luck!

[AlexisKY in reply to TomFed]

thank you! I just know that ROCD tends to focus on doubts, and they usually arise more in healthy relationships, and it’s typically fears that arise, because the relationship is so important to you, I’m hanging in there! Hope you are as well!

[TomFed]

One more thing is it's your actions that matter, not your thoughts. Trust me, people with ocd or not, we are all wired for sex thing, attracted to opposite sex or whoever makes you happy. So lads or girls everybody for sure has thoughts almost every day and every hour if they see somebody attractive, it's just a biological trigger, such thoughts pop up pretty much automatically. It doesn't make us disloyal to our partners, actions is absolutely the only thing that matters. So if you don't act out on these thoughts, you got nothing to worry about. Be well.

[TrueBlue23 in reply to TomFed]

Your comment has really helped me, so thank you! I'm engaged and have been in a relationship for 6 years and am getting married next year. I have recurring doubts and feelings of guilt over something silly that I did over a year ago whilst feeling a bit down and rejected by my partner.

I was googling stuff that I shouldn't have been, and various things popped up on the search, one of which was an 'advert' from a married female seeking no strings fun. I got caught up in the fantasy of it all and replied to the advert with a simple message just asking whereabouts she was, and just confirming my age and where I lived. I regretted doing this later on, and think I just got caught up in the fantasy of it all, and don't actually think it was a real person anyway as I've received a lot of dodgy spam in my inbox since then. Every so often though I get thoughts thinking I've cheated on my partner and if I don't confess I'm being deceitful and hiding stuff from her. I can't tell you how many times I've replayed this over and over in my head to see if I really was cheating or not. Sometimes it can seem silly but other times, particularly when I'm anxious or stressed, I feel compelled to confess as I feel I've done a terrible thing.

i'm confident this is OCD or ROCD, but it does help to read comments like yours as it does help reassure me that the guilt I feel sometimes is not justified and is a reaction to anxiety more than anything else.

Hope that makes sense and you can relate to that, or anyone reading this can?

[mind-full in reply to TrueBlue23]

People make mistakes, and guilt is a wonderful teacher. Those of us with OCD replay certain regrets in our head (ruminate) because we've confused guilt with shame. Remember that one says "I did bad" and the other says "I am bad." One is a teacher, and the other is a judge. One is constructive, and the other is destructive.

Thought or action, either can be "bad." You can have the intent thought to kill, but miss your opportunity. You can also kill, without having the intent thought (ex. a car accident). Guilt will always be there to say you've done bad. Good people learn from it.

We're only human.

[TrueBlue23 in reply to mind-full]

Thank you for your very thoughtful and wise reply! I appreciate it! It's nice to be able to talk to someone in confidence who is likely to understand these thoughts and obsessions. I've bought quite a few books from Amazon on the subject of intrusive thoughts and OCD and I'm pretty sure that's what it is. t's nice to hear stories from other people who have had similar experiences and can understand the mental confusion that OCD or ROCD can cause.

Thank you again for your reply!

[mind-full in reply to TrueBlue23]

My pleasure! OCD has been a life challenging experience for me. I'm here to share, learn, and ultimately overcome this "mental confusion." Together.

Best wishes.

[AlexisKY in reply to TrueBlue23]

I feel the same way! I’ve talked to famous Twitch people and what not, and have thought it was being unfaithful in some way to my boyfriend. Thinking other guys are cute, or commenting on their appearance, even when they’re super famous. I had to rush off and tell my boyfriend as well, like you did your fiancé, but I’m glad he’s super understanding. I believe ROCD feeds on what we most value, so in this case our partners. We value them and our relationships, so that anytime we do anything that we find may be wrong, we obsess over it and make sure that we’re doing our relationships right! But it’s normal to make mistakes, it’s normal to think others are cute, it’s natural, so long as you’re not acting on it!

[TrueBlue23 in reply to AlexisKY]

Thanks for your reply! Yes, I agree with you. I think because we care and value our partners so much, that is why we obsess about any wrong doing or mistakes that we make within the relationship.

In my example I haven't actually confessed to my partner, and that is what is causing the anxiety or ROCD.

I've read a lot about ROCD and I believe that if I do confess I'd be giving in to the OCD, and although it may give some temporary relief, in the long run it is likely to reinforce the need to confess over any future minor discretion, which would be self defeating.

i know that in my case it was just fantasy and a bit of escapism, but my mind or OCD wants me to believe it wasn't and that I've done wrong and should confess. In my heart of hearts I know the truth, but this OCD can muddy the waters, especially when I'm a bit anxious and start having nerves and doubts about getting married.

i do appreciate you replying and value being able to speak to other people who are experiencing similar things! The mind is a wonderful thing, but it is very complex and hard to control sometimes!

[mind-full]

Congratulations on being anxiety/ocd free for a while. The contrast of "having" and "not having" it must offer you a unique perspective of the experience.

You admitted that reassurance isn't supposed to be asked for, so I'm going to make a suggestion. I've learned to see the need to seek reassurance as the greatest source of reassurance. Before you took the time to tell your story here - before you struck the first letter on your keyboard - you proved two things: a love for your boyfriend and a fear for the intrusive, ego-dystonic thoughts that said otherwise.

Guilt and fear are tools we can always rely on to remind us of our true, intended morals. Whether you're feeling ashamed for something you actually did, or accused for something you'd never imagine doing, let these tools point you in the right direction. Let them remind you who you really are, in these challenging times of doubt.

Good luck, AlexisKY

[AlexisKY in reply to mind-full]

thank you so much as always! I’m sorry to see you still on here, but I’m also thankful for your help everytime. I hope you’re doing well!

[mind-full in reply to AlexisKY]

Thanks! I enjoy being here. Compassion and self-compassion are one and the same. When I struggle with intrusive thoughts, I give myself very similar advice. Best wishes.

[AlexisKY]

feeling a bit of anxiety again tonight, I kept thinking back to moments I was unhappy in my relationship and thinking of being with other guys or leaving, etc - and I feel at a really low point. Like a huge pit in my stomach, because deep down I’d never want to leave my boyfriend, and I feel awful thinking I was disloyal in some way with those thoughts. I’d never cheat, or anything in that nature either. Just hate OCD and intrusive thoughts! They’re the worst!

[mind-full in reply to AlexisKY]

"Deep down I'd never want to."

When you're feeling anxious, put two feet on this thought. Stand here a moment while intrusive and irrational obsessions spiral out of control like a chaotic storm. You won't fall or lose your way, and the worst will pass.

Remain calm, and balanced.