Texted a Married Woman

[Maximus2019]

I recently posted about a similar situation where I feel like a put a woman in harm, and am posting this separately because it happened more recently and is about a different person:

I met a woman who works in the same building as me last year. I spoke to her the same day we met and tried to get to know her but it didn't go anywhere. She only works there once in a while, so I didn't see her again until a month ago. This time I approached her again and started a conversation and asked for her number. She gave it to me and we continued a texting conversation for a few weeks.

She's from Brazil, and she told me she was divorced with two children - 2 and 5 years old. About a week later I asked her to go for a walk on a Saturday. Three days later she responds with an apology for replying late, and tells me that she can't meet anymore because she reunited with her husband. I told her (part jokingly) that this is a drama and I thought she was divorced. She then sends me a long text saying she wasn't lying (I probably misunderstood her initially- or she may have just said she was separated but not divorced). She told me that she wanted me to believe her. She said she was going to give things a final chance with her husband. Based on the length of her text and the things she said I felt she wanted to keep things open with us, or at least keep a relationship between us an option incase she got separated again. All I told her is that life is complicated, and I think she is doing the right thing to give it another try with her husband. I decided not to pursue her anymore since I didn't want to break up her family and cause suffering. She liked my final message and that was that.

Last night, though, after two weeks or so of not messaging her, I was feeling the urge to talk to her again. I felt like me not texting her was just putting myself under restraint and I wanted to feel free. I thought marriage shouldn't be a prison anyway and she should be able to make her own choice. So I texted her asking how the situation was with her husband. I was hoping that this wouldn't cause a problem for her, but still took the risk. I can see she hadn't blocked my number, but she hasn't responded yet to my text (and part of me hopes she doesn't). Now I feel guilty that I texted her knowing she's married and knowing it was a Saturday night and her husband could've been right next to her. I'm thinking things like what if her husband kills her or attacks her or the children. Brazil seems to have a culture where men can get harsh in a situation like that, but it might just be a stereotype/prejudice or maybe just my ocd playing into it. Or, to a lesser extreme, what if the family breaks up again because he sees his wife has been texting another man? She had told me, prior to them getting back together, that they were living separately, but I assume from her recent texts that they started to live together again.

Are my worries legit?

Thanks!

[Focusedmind]

I think I would back off and let this person go for a while. Although you may think, "I thought marriage shouldn't be a prison anyway and she should be able to make her own choice," you are not sure this is what she really thinks. And yes, the cultural differences may play a part.

Now that you have texted her, letting her know you are still interested, I think I would just wait and see what she does. Sometimes it takes a long time for divorces either to work out or divide up. So, I would be very patient and see what she tells you. Because you do not want harm to come her way, please keep your distance for now.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Focusedmind]

Thanks- and I agree with your advice as it relates to what to do/not do in the future with her. I am also seeking OCD advice in my post about whether my thoughts that my text will cause her husband to kill her are legit, etc. This is a bug distraction for me now.

[Focusedmind in reply to Maximus2019]

Even though she may have been separated at the time, I think if she initially gave you her phone number, I don't think she was in any real danger. So, she probably had control over her phone and a way of hiding it from her husband.

But the fact that she didn't answer you may also be that she is afraid of being unable to hide it from him in the future. So, I think she may be OK now and that your OCD is playing havoc with you. But again, I would wait for her to make the next move, which may take some patience, as divorces often take time to work out.

For now, try to get your mind off her by enjoying other things, and don't let OCD keep focusing your energy on her. You want to resolve this problem right now, but this one is in limbo like many relationships. Distract yourself and walk away...for now.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Focusedmind]

Thanks Focused that advice makes sense!

[Hidden in reply to Maximus2019]

Dear Maximus,

Oh, I totally feel you with the thoughts that her husband might kill her. My biggest OCD obsessions are fear of doing harm and excessive responsibility and it sounds like those are huge issues for you also. In your wise mind you know these thoughts are OCD. It is a pretty huge leap from texting someone after she voluntarily gave you her number to her being murdered over a text. It's also entirely possible that the husband is fictitious.

I think it can be very stressful when there is so much ambivalence & so many gray areas in texting, especially with people you don't know very well yet.I'm kind of an old fashioned Boomer, but I think it might be ultimately less stressful to start with some low-key real life outings with people as you get to know them. Go for a walk, meet for breakfast, visit a park. There are fewer unknowns for your mind to stress over and fill in with worries.

Anyway, you are definitely not alone in having these types of thoughts! Sending very good wishes. Take care of yourself!

[Focusedmind]

I think having OCD is really hard in a situation like this because you want to know the answer right now, and you can't, or you may mess it up for her or yourself. So, allow yourself to listen to your "wise mind" (not OCD) and be patient.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Focusedmind]

Thanks- my therapist mentioned the term “wise mind” recently and I’m wondering if this is a specific concept that’s been written about. If you have any suggested references on it please let me know.

[Focusedmind]

"Wise mind" is a term that comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) which is a psychological treatment started by Marsha Linehan out of Seattle, WA. It is similar to CBT but is slightly different in that it is all about "mindfulness," or intentionally living with awareness in the present moment.

We are all made up of a "Reasonable mind" and an "Emotional mind," and where the two come together is "Wise mind." In a "Reasonable mind," one is ruled by facts, reason, and logic. (Feelings are not necessary.) In the "Emotional mind," one is governed by your moods, feelings, and urges to do or say things. (Facts, reason, and logic are not essential.) So, "Wise mind" brings the values of reason and emotions together. It is the wisdom that resides in each of us.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Focusedmind]

Thanks I will look into DBT! It reminds me I think if what Plato wrote about the rationale mind and the pationate mind (and there is a third one which I forgot), and that the different minds should be in harmony to have peace.

[Focusedmind in reply to Maximus2019]

Also, ask your therapist to explain how he used it in his conversation with you. Many are trained in both CBT and DBT, as they are similar in many ways.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Focusedmind]

Will do thanks.

[Sallyskins]

It isn't just in Brazil that men can get violent with their female partners. It happens in all countries - the result of a misogynist society where some men think they have the right to control women.

But that's beside the point. She possibly felt she owed you an explanation for not meeting up with you and wanted to make things clear. That doesn't mean she was leaving the situation open. She may well have felt that she didn't need to block you and that you would not get in touch again.

In my experience, men can be very bad at reading signals. They can take friendliness and courtesy for a 'come on'. Conversely, they don't always get it when women give them the green light!

In any case, her texts about getting back with her husband sound as though she is ruling out a relationship with you, and is gently giving you a knock-back. And she could well be wanting to give it another go with her husband.

Marriage or a relationship shouldn't be a prison, but that doesn't make anyone a free agent. Relationships involve a certain amount of negotiation at various points - a one night stand may be just that and certainly doesn't entail a duty of subsequent commitment, but anything more than that should involve a certain amount of trust and acceptance that, while you're together, neither of you will sleep with anyone else. The so-called 'open marriage' rarely works, from what I've observed. It generally involves one partner (or both) simply putting up with the other's infidelity.

Best to leave this woman alone - don't text her or get in touch with her. That doesn't mean you can't say hello and be friendly with her if you run into her, but don't expect anything else from her. If someone is already spoken for, it's best to move on.

[Focusedmind in reply to Sallyskins]

Sallyskins: I think you bring up some excellent ideas. "Open marriage" rarely works, especially when tried by women. Most likely, she is trying to make another go with her marriage and divorces take a long time to sort out.

And indeed, misogynist societies with controlling, violent men exist all over the world, not just in Brazil. Thanks for pointing that out.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Focusedmind]

I agree to- and it’s my ocd playing up the violent part.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

I agree Sallyskins! Thanks

[Maximus2019]

SorrySallyskins I realize now that I accidentally posted a response to you here that was meant for the other thread.

[Focusedmind in reply to Maximus2019]

Did you know that if you go into the category "More"☝🏼above, you can edit or delete a post anytime you want?

[Maximus2019 in reply to Focusedmind]

Done

[WildernessMAn]

HelloMaximus2019Learning HOW to Pause and Plan with a Higher Power is a Valid Method that works. Itoo struggle with "Poor Impulse Control" and by slowing down my Compulsive thinking down to become Conscious and not remain stuck in the Unconscious Compulsion. Pausing to avoid Impulsive Decisions making. Bad decisions leads to Bad actions, Bad actions lead to bad Consequences. Again learning to pause to making "Conscious Decisions" thenConscipus decisions lead to Conscious Actions. It all begins with having made "Conscious Contact with God," which means i must work on having a "CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP with God first.

[Maximus2019]

I appreciate your help. Unfortunately I slipped again which I am going to write about separately.