finding a support system with ocd

[OCDlivrecovery]

Hello everyone, i am 23 years old and my mother is a covert narcissist, that used triangulation with me and my brother, verbal abuse, gaslighting, projection, you name it. I recently had to go no contact with her but also my family (dad and brother) and it is really hard because i feel like i have no one. I already feel like a prisoner trapped in my mind, and feel like i am drowning at times. But sometimes i wish i just had someone to talk to that understands and can help really. Its hard for me to make friends due to my depression and anxiety and fear of getting hurt but does anyone have any advice?

[Winnie_WTP]

OCDlivrecovery you are not alone. My Mother was a covert narcissist (she passed in 2021, hence my using the word "was") but I didn't realize it till I started working with my current therapist, which happened shortly before my mother passed. My therapist actually pointed out that my father was an overt narcissist (he passed also) and my mother was a covert narcissist and my sister is an overt narcissist. I'm an empath that was raised by narcissists. I'm 39 now but didn't learn this fact about my family till just a couple of years ago and the realization of the implications of that only sunk in maybe last year. I didn't have language around who my family was, what they did nor how it impacted me till recently in my life. When I read your message, I empathized with your struggles but I'm also so proud of you for recognizing the truth of your family, especially when you're still so young, and also taking action. You're braver, stronger and smarter than you may even realize.

I've gone low contact with my sister and it is definitely hard. I wish I could give some advice that would help, as you ask. But mainly I think the best advice is what you're already doing - protecting your peace. You clearly went no contact to do that. If interacting with them disrupts your peace, then you can be confident that you made a decision for self preservation. As far as the pain and loneliness goes, that's unfortunately a part of the process when we change a dynamic with a person we care about and love. With my narcissistic sister, I wrote her a letter expressing the pain she caused and that I want accountability on her part for the bullying, embarrassment, humiliation, insults, tear downs, making me a source of ridicule, and much more. But instead of giving me what I need for healing and possibly having a relationship with her going forward, she has done nothing but give me space, respect my decision and be available whenever I want to interact. I need accountability, an apology and for her to make amends. Without that, I cannot have a relationship with her. So I'm coping with this pain. I often feel alone too. But therapy, books, community and friends have been helpful. I follow a couple of people on Instagram that discuss and give advice to survivors of narcissistic abuse. I've been reading books to help me understand what I suffered with my family and how that created unhealthy patterns in adulthood. I joined a community of child abuse survivors. Making friends is hard but as I've identified people I can trust and I've made these friends my chosen family. I guess if I can give advice, maybe if making friends IRL is hard, maybe start online like with Instagram or another source for an online community. Just please practice safety online, just like you've done here in this community.

[OCDlivrecovery in reply to Winnie_WTP]

Thank you so much for your response, your comment brought me to tears, I really needed to hear that i am strong because i feel so weak all the time. Esp., since I went no contact and suffer from c+ptsd and OCD. I am constantly in my head asking myself if i am the villain/replaying old scenarios. Since i am still young i am constantly second guessing if i am wrong but looking back you realize you were just a kid that had an emotionally unstable parent that confuses you throughout childhood. After numerous attempts of breaking no contact in hopes to build a relationship she will be sweet until I of course say i am sorry for hurting her and my part that played but then when you expect an apology, an acknowledgment of the abuse you went through and they can't.. it is heart breaking but, you are the one with the big beautiful full heart and that's sadly why you have to feel, the high and the low, because to feel like a narc deep down is empty and they NEED others to fedd off of. You saying you needed your sister to take accountability I respect and understand so much because thats exactly how I feel. If you wouldn't mind telling me what kind of groups you are in and how to get started I would really appreciate it because I dont have any friends after isolating myself and its hard to make in person. I also quit drinking about 8 months ago because that was the only way i use to cope with my mother and surroundings... My father is an avoidant type and always agrees with her, I look at him as battered because he has witnessed so much emotional abuse from Julianne and he still can make reasoning with it that she "means well" and cares too hard...

[Sallyskins]

It can be lonely having OCD and it can be isolating. And as family support can make a difference to your quality of life, so not having it can make you feel adrift on your own.

If family are really not helpful, it's best to cut yourself off - but only if they're really toxic. I had a friend who was toxic - this is going back some years - and I put up with a lot from her. She actually dumped me as a friend - as she generally dumps all her friends in due course - and I felt such a mixture of regret and relief. But really, she was doing my head in.

It's important that you let your guard down enough to accept friendship when it's offered. There's no guarantee that you won't get hurt, but that's the chance you've got to take if you want friends! I suppose that your family experienced have made you wary but there are plenty of decent people who wouldn't hurt you!

Are there other family members you could call on for support - cousins, aunts or anyone else? I know it's difficult with OCD - one doesn't like to burden other people with one's OCD - but I'm sure you've got plenty to offer in return. Friendship cuts both ways - and being a friend and being there for your friends means that you are giving something in return for their support for you.

Perhaps joining an OCD or mental health support group could help in giving you a network of mutual support and the opportunity to make friends. Or an interest such as amateur dramatics, a musical group, book club, sewing group - or anything else that floats your boat. Although having OCD can restrict your activities, it's remarkable what you can manage to do when you put the effort in.

It's not always easy to be open about your OCD with people you don't know well but you'd be surprised by how helpful, sympathetic and tolerant many people are.

I've always struggled to put myself forward to make friends - I always assume I'll be rejected and rather wait for people to befriend me. So I know a lot of how you feel. But the more you can get out of the house and do things, the more you can manage your OCD.

[Winnie_WTP]

I really feel for you with what you experienced with your Mother but can you see the unfairness in the dynamic? You apologized for your actions but there was no accountability for her abuse nor apology nor efforts on her side to make amends. This is unfortunately very unfair and makes the wounds of the original abuse that we want accountability for even more deep and painful. Continuing to put yourself vulnerably in this position gives a narcissist power. Feeling the truth of your conviction, believing in yourself and setting + sticking to your boundaries and associated consequences for when people cross those boundaries takes their power away. Having non-emotional responses, going low and no-contact, setting and sticking to boundaries disempowers a narcissist. You can do this! You already had the intelligent insight to become aware of all that has happened and the strength to limit your family's access to you. You are so brave and strong! I understand you don't feel that way about yourself but I see your bravery and strength and hope you see it one day too. When you disempower a narcissist, you regain the control over your life that they have taken from you.

Regarding resources, I would consider following Nate Postlethwait on Instagram for survivors of child abuse. He offers an inner child healing course once a year. For narcissistic abuse, I've found Adriana Bucci to be helpful and she can be found at @letsgetyourshifttogether. Nicole Lepera is @the.holistic.psychologist and her work helps me understand and process my past and current behavior patterns. Both of them are on Instagram too. I started a profile just to get access to content on Instagram. You can choose whether or not to post details about your life. You don't have to. But you do have to have a profile in order to access to Instagram content.

I recognize making friends is hard but joining online communities for content and also commenting on posts/replying to others is a start. You can also consider finding support communities around where you live like an OCD support group too. I did this and decided to join their online monthly meetings.

I really hope this helps you. My heart goes out to you for your healing. ❤️