My Story

[mkveg]

I am finally starting to realize that many of my past and current behaviors are not just anxiety, but also OCD. When I was a young child, I remember having specific routines before I could go to sleep peacefully. I had to make sure my stuffed animals were perfectly in line. There could be no dirt on my floor. And most importantly, I had to pray for everyone I know so that nothing bad would happen. I carry many of these into adulthood. Today, my biggest obsessions include cleanliness and order in the home, and religious obsessions. I also struggle with bouts of death OCD. Before I got married, I had a nightmare that my dad died. I was worried that this dream was a warning. For the past 6 years, I have experienced obsessive thoughts and compulsive prayers for the safety and well being of my dad and my loved ones. I worry that if I miss a day of prayer that it'll be my fault if something bad happens. I'm learning for the first time to recognize these thoughts as OCD, and I'm learning how to deal with them instead of ruminating. I'm hoping to find some relief in talking with others with shared experiences. Let me know if any of this resonates with you. I hope it helps someone feel less alone.

[FourtounKafkal]

What you discribe sounds so familiar to me. More or less I have followed a similar path. First manifestations of ocd in childhood and since then it had tailored my life... with me only recently realising how much my brain is occupied, and how much energy goes there. I always knew something was wrong with me. But I became master in avoidance and little by little my life got reduced to minimums. I felt trapped and could not understand what was holding me back, with the ocd out of the equation. And here I am now, trying to come in terms with my condition. The sure thing is that everything starts to make sense. There is a difficult road ahead but it always has been such. At least now I can understand what is happening and that is very helpful. Take care. We are not alone, life is true and it is beautiful.

[mkveg in reply to FourtounKafkal]

beautifully put. And how exciting that we don't have to journey alone.

[Sallyskins]

I too had OCD for many years before I knew what it is. My symptoms go back to childhood, but they really started up properly when I became a young adult. I had therapist who was completely useless, knew what it was, and didn't tell me, let alone give me appropriate treatment - my mother bought me a book that explained that what I had was called OCD and that it was treatable.

It can take over your life, as you know! But help is there, and support too. Although most of the general public still misunderstand what it's like - many think OCD is about being neat and tidy, or about handwashing - there is more understanding, and people are often sympathetic and tolerant.

It's difficult to be open about it - particularly at work, or with people you don't know very well, and most of us try to hide it the best we can. But a little patience from those around us is much appreciated!

There's lots of help on this forum, and elsewhere, and you can learn to get your life back from OCD. It sounds as though you're doing that already.

[MothFir]

I can definitely relate to the praying compulsions. Religious obsessions were a major problem for me from my childhood through young adult years. I not only had to make sure my prayers were "just right" but I also lived by a set of self-imposed rules and rituals that governed everything that I could and couldn't do. Failure to follow these rules caused me all sorts of anxiety about bad things happening to myself or others. I have spent a lot of time trying to disentangle my OCD thought patterns from elements of genuine faith.

In recent years my OCD has switched to other topics (contamination is my latest main theme), but learning how to minimize my ruminating has helped a great deal with all of them. I can still get caught in compulsive thought loops about religious or other matters , but I have gotten much better at stopping them and moving on.

Like a lot of people with OCD, I used to think that my weird thoughts and intense anxiety were either 1) a normal part of being human or 2) something that I alone on Earth had to face. It was a great relief to finally discover that I had a diagnosable condition that could be treated. Therapy, research, a support group, and this forum have all helped me stay grounded in the fact that I have OCD and that my intrusive thoughts are not genuine reflections of reality. I'm glad you've started your own recovery!

[mkveg in reply to MothFir]

I am also finding a lot of relief in knowing I'm not alone and that intrusive thoughts are not reality. Thank you for sharing

[sh0526]

Sorry about your struggles. Just know that you are not alone. One thing I have found is that singing while performing any OCD task sometimes helps me.