My Story

[hereforhope24]

For years, I lived in silence with OCD. I realized at a very young age that I thought and behaved in some peculiar ways that were different than my peers. I would get stuck in mental loops that I "did something wrong," "caused harm" that I factually I knew I did not do, or this magical mind that "told me exactly what was going to happen in the future." Simply put - OCD has lied to me the entire time I've know him. He's mean, he's a liar, he wants me alone, and he wants me to think that the condition will always prevent me from living a full and loving life.

At the height of the pandemic, I knew something was very wrong with my brain. 9 months had passed and quarantine was a "feeding ground" for OCD to take nearly full control of my entire being. I was diagnosed in November 2020 and thought "FINALLY - I know what is going on." Little did I know that that moment was going to actually going to be the start of the worst parts of getting well. I went under a complete overhaul of psychiatric medications (that truly have saved my life) and took each day, mostly moment to moment, as they came. Thankfully, I have a vibrant recovery through getting sober nearly 8 years ago who have supported me, loved me, and walked alongside me even when they had no clue OCD was affecting my life. They believed the fact that I knew how it was affecting my life and they've been unwavering with their support.

My OCD is primarily ROCD related, which honestly, I haven't come across as much content about this subtype and I thought I would. What does mine look like? Well, it's the classic tale of guy 1 meets guy 2, guy 1 really likes guy 2, guy1 leaves initial date and the "checking" commences. Checking texts, checking response times, checking the "content" of the text trying to decipher what it means (or doesn't mean). The obsessions look like "does he like me?" "is he going to break up with me?" "is he going to lead me on?" "Is he.......fill in the blank." This is the thing. I am a secure person. I know who I am, I know my values, I know my ambitions, my priorities, my intentions, etc." And it took intensive therapy to understand that I wasn't anxiously-attached, but instead struggled with ROCD (*mind blown*). Currently, I'm immersed in all things dating, much of which I am using as exposure therapy coupled with response prevention. Yes - do I want to meet someone, fall in love, buy a cat together, and maybe file taxes together? Sure. But I also know that I have to use these experiences as active exposures if I want to continue to heal, grow, and ultimately feel free. Simply put - this time, I'm not letting OCD win.

OK - so let's get to the solution. I began Exposure-Response Prevention (ERP) therapy from a lisented provider in January 2023. Talk therapy was way more harmful that helpful (often times at no fault of the provider) because it provided reassurance and reinforcement with components of OCD that actually needed to be targeted, not supported. I will not lie, ERP therapy has not been a walk in the park. But, leaning into the discomfort even when my body has felt like an avalanche is crashing down in my mind and body has been something I never thought I could engage in WITH THE HELP of a trained clinician. In almost 2 years of active recovery, I've healed in ways that I never thought I could. I've regained parts of my life that I never thought I could. I've TALKED about my condition with trusted people that I never thought I could, and along the way found great relief. But let's keep it real...OCD never goes away. I can manage it by doing my part on a daily basis to keep it as dormant as possible while also giving myself space to goof, to fumble, to engage with it even when I know it's not in my best interest. Dating with ROCD is still an active challenge. I wish it weren't the case, but I'm being real as real can get. But I finally have some hope that OCD won't leave me lonely, loveless, and isolated.

I decided to post all of this only because if it reaches even one person who has thought, felt, engaged, and behaved the way I have and they felt less alone after reading this, then my goal was reached.

I'm looking to connect with some of my fellow OCD trudgers. We need each other. Say hello when you can. I'll do the same. x