Did I Abuse My Mother?

[TimeTraveler]

I am horrified and saddened by something I unexpectedly did at my mother's house today. I came over to visit her to digitize a bunch of old family photos that we found. I was feeling low for whatever reason- maybe it's just the start of the cold cloudy weather today and shorter days. I first helped her to set up her online banking so she doesn't need to keep going to the bank every time she needs to deposit a check. I then sat by myself in the room with the most windows while she was in the living room watching t.v.

I was going through albums and taking photos of the photos with my iphone. Most of these photos are from the 80s when I was a kid or from the 70s before I was born. A lot of these pictures were from when my mom and dad just met. She was very beautiful in those times. I noticed that in two close up photos from the 70s my mom was sitting down in a bikini. I didn't think much of it and passed by them without saving them, but saved most of the other photos from that album. At times my mom would come into the room to look at some of the photos which she hasn't seen in a long time either. At one point, while she was in the other room, I was flipping through the album again to see if there was anything I missed. I came across the bikini pictures again and suddenly I was turned on about them and had the urge to do something taboo- I decided to take pictures of the photos so I could look at them later at home in private.

I was nervous that my mom would see me doing this while I was trying to get the right lighting to take the photos. I took photos of both pictures, and then put my phone on the desk. My mom then came into the room while I was on another page of the album and she started looking over my shoulder. I noticed, though, that on my phone, in the bottom left corner, there was the small display box that had one of her bikini photos in it that I just took. It's the mini picture that stays on display in iphone at the bottom of the camera app to show the last photo you took. I don't know if she noticed it or not since the display is small, but she was standing right there so very well might have. If she did see it, I don't know if she was in any way bothered to see it there, or if she just thought I was digitizing the whole album and only digitized the bikini photos to preserve all the memories for her and everyone.

This was the first day as an adult that I ever had sexual thoughts about my mom from what I can remember. I do remember when I was about 8 she was in the room without a shirt and without a bra and I was staring at her from the bed while being turned on about it.

I am home now and don't plan on doing anything inappropriate with those photos. I'm so ashamed though that I digitized them when my intention was to use them in the wrong way. My mom didn't change her behavior for the rest of the time that I was there, and didn't give me any hint that she knew what I was up to. I still feel like the sleaze of the earth though for what I did, and feel so bad for my mom- like I took advantage of her and abused her. She is friendly to everyone very trusting, and I feel like I abused her trust. How can I deal with this? Is it possible that I mentally scarred my mother? I don't know how I can now interact with her with a straight face since I'm so ashamed. I feel like there are elements of OCD to this, but in other respects what I did was wrong and I'm not sure if and what treatment there is for someone that does something like this.

Thanks

[Hidden]

Dear Time Traveler,

I am so sympathetic. My biggest issue with OCD is fear of doing harm and it sounds like that's what's tormenting you right now. You're afraid that having taken pictures of these photos you've scarred your mother. I had an issue last week where I got really angry with one of my co-workers, who was driving me nuts. I didn't even confront her about it--I just vented to another co-worker, but then I had a horrible OCD flare-up because I felt like my anger somehow magically made its way out of my brain towards her and somehow damaged her. Our thoughts and feelings can be so powerful and it can feel like they alone can cause a lot of harm to other people. This is a very common theme for we OCD folks. Another common theme is repeatedly questioning our own thought s and feelings, such as "Did I have a sexual feeling when I saw someone with her shirt off?" When I got angry with my co-worker I even wondered whether I had somehow damaged the co-worker I had vented to, even though she vents to me and we're friends and support each other.

A good start, for me, is just labeling it--"This is my OCD. This is my fear of doing harm." That helps take away some of the power.

Hang in there. You sound like you're very helpful to your mom and I'm sure she really appreciates that.

[TimeTraveler in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your helpful response Elisheva. A distinction in your case, though, is that the co-worker you vented about didn't hear you venting about her. Only the other co-worker did. In my case, there is a good chance that my mother did actually see the photo on my phone since it was on display (even though it was just in the bottom left-hand corner of the screen). I actually put my phone in lock mode after about 30 seconds of her being there and that may have made it worse. What if my mom knows I took the photo? The chances are about 50/50 that she saw the photo on my phone.

[Hidden in reply to TimeTraveler]

Well, speaking as a mom of grown kids: in general women are not that fragile or easily scarred. I'm assuming your mother experienced pregnancy, labor, and delivery with you and maybe siblings. She cleaned up every body fluid imaginable, fed you, picked you up bleeding from the ground, stayed up all night with fevers and stomach aches, and kept calm during tantrums, accidents, and illness. She also managed her own vaginal bleeding since she was a teenager as well as whistles, leers, and pinches--also since she was a teenager. Women are strong. It takes a lot to shock us. If my grown kids wanted to snap a bathing suit pic of me from my youth I would laugh and be flattered. And sexual feelings come and go, and sometimes feel very weird and inappropriate. It happens to all of us. It's part of being human.

[theval]

I wouldn’t worry about it bro. It’s ok you’re human but to hear that it bothers you is a good thing and and we all have those thoughts it’s not necessary ocd

[TimeTraveler]

I appreciate it.

[mind-full]

Not necessarily OCD in my opinion, or from my experience. If I were digitizing a photo album, and found some flattering bikini shots of my mother, OCD would do one of two things:

1) Cause me to doubt and fear my intentions for taking the photo, even though my intentions of digitizing the photo album were quite clear to begin with.

2) Persuade me to skip that particular photo, and not digitize it. If your mother was observant, she'd wonder why THESE pictures weren't processed while most others were. Not trusting yourself with "triggering" items like this is avoidance behaviour.

You, however, were intrigued by the photos. It's very human. Perhaps this does resemble OCD in one other way:

3) Obsessing on a mistake, confusing guilt thoughts ("I did bad") with shame thoughts ("I am bad"), and seeking reassurance from others. OCD can often be characterized by catastrophic, worst case thinking. Is it possible you mentally scarred your mother? Not likely, but OCD will convince you otherwise.

In the end, you decided against "using them in the wrong way". What was done is done. Learn from the experience, and move on. I suggest using your iPhone to resource Sports Illustrated Swimsuit or the like. These bikini models should also "turn you on", and satisfy any urge.

Also, exercise self compassion. If you had a daughter who was hypothetically hiding a photo of YOU, how would you feel? What would you say? What lesson could be learned from it?

I hope this helps. Remind yourself: "There's more to me than my mistakes." There's a reason you're attracted to beautiful women, and a reason you felt bad for being attracted to beautiful photos of your mother. Understand these reasons, and you'll prevent the risk of this ever happening again.

Best wishes to you.