please help I never see anyone with this issue (TW theme of SA)

[Ihatocd122445]

Has anyone here experiences anything similar (TW fears about SA)

I have had ocd my whole life and have been dating my boyfriend for 8 years. When I started dating my boyfriend my ocd started revolving around our relationship (I would get intrusive thoughts like is he cheating on me? Stuff like that) this all happened 4 years ago

I had some really stressful life stuff come up - I transferred universities and he had to move for a couple months which caused me to have a lot of anxiety and ocd. It was pretty much just standard ocd checking things and then free floating anxiety. Anyways after I went to go visit him I was feeling sad bc I missed him and was having lots of just generalized anxiety. This happened during the start of the me too movement and I read this article about a girls boyfriend assaulting her.

This gave me such bad anxiety for some weird reason (I’ve never been assaulted) and I got an intrusive thought “what if this has happened to you” I started getting bad false memory ocd about things that did not happen and I thought I was actually loosing my mind bc my ocd had never been THIS bad before. I couldn’t figure out what Was going on but could not stop obsessing over rape/assault. I started doing all this research and was so scared this could have somehow happened to me.

It would change my memories around and I knew none of it had happened but it gave me such bad anxiety. Eventually my boyfriend moved home ( I didn’t tell him any of this I literally tried to ignore it bc I didn’t realize this was ocd I really thought I was loosing it) and everytime we would have sex I would have lots of intrusive thoughts (I wanted to have sex! But my ocd was so bad) and would kind of act weird.

This leads me to the current episode I have been obsessing over- me and my boyfriend were in bed and he asked if I wanted to have sex. I said maybe later (I didn’t mind if we had sex or not but my ocd was telling me to say no so i said later) We were laying watching a movie and about to go to sleep and he asked if we could just put it in and not have sex. And I said yes sure! (This was not coerced at all, he wasn’t constantly badgering me for sex or anything and I truly didn’t care and was totally fine with it ) anyways we were laying there and I said “are we having sex yes or no” bc I’m pretty sure I wanted to know if we were going to have sex. ( just to clarify I asked this he did NOT just start having sex w me or anything he was just laying pretty sure he was falling asleep , he may have moved a bit and that is also why I may have asked if we were gonna have sex but he did NOT start any of it) (also to add this was a non threatening situation I could have said no at any time and he would have stopped) when I asked he started moving a little but he didn’t say yes or no - just kind of initiating it - I then started having bad intrusive thoughts “why didn’t he give u an answer” “you need an answer to continue to have sex” “am I allowed to be having sex now bc I said maybe later” “is this actually rape?! U need an answer” and then I turned to him (we were laying on the side) and basically stopped it bc I turned and said “are we having sex yes or no?” And he said yes yes it feels good and I said okay. And we had sex like normal.

- I remember I said to myself to my ocd “oh my god it’s not shut up” This whole thing is giving me anxiety bc it’s so weird and awkward and my ocd is trying to tell me somehow it is rape when I’m pretty sure it is not??? I keep reading articles about ppl who have actually been raped and then it gives me anxiety bc it all seems so subjective and my ocd is like how do I know what if I was and didn’t realize it? It keeps asking what if I really didn’t want it? and then it’s really bothering me that I had the intrusive thought is this rape (pretty much every time I would have 100% consensual sex this intrusive thought would come up bc this was my ocd theme)

logically if I wanted it to stop I would have said I don’t wanna do anything instead of literally STOPPing and asking are we having sex yes or no? It doesn’t even make sense. But even when I try to rationalize it makes it worse! I KNOW that it was consensual but my ocd won’t stop making me doubt or putting false memories or thoughts into this. I can’t even remember correctly bc my ocd is adding in false feelings ttoo And my ocd is making me ruminate over it and ask why did I ask if we were gonna have sex? And I’m pretty sure it’s bc I wanted to know if we were gonna have sex or not and that’s it!!! I even was the one who initiated it by saying are we gonna have sex!

I even talked to my boyfriend about this and he confirmed this is what happened and I told him my intrusive thoughts and it made him really sad and he told me it’s making him feel sick that I am thinking these things. I guess I’m just asking is any of this even bad? My ocd keeps going around in a loop and won’t stop. I keep having all these different variations of the event and it gives me such bad anxiety and it won’t stop. Im scared something bad happened even tho I know deep down it didn’t and it’s driving me crazy. I have a therepist and am working on all of it (he knows everything) but my ocd is still so so bad.

[Hidden]

Ocd is the doubting disease, so it goes into any situation that is gray instead of black or white, like a chisel going into a cracked wall and making the crack gow and grow. You were in an ambiguous situation--it wasn't yes we're having sex, no we're not. It wasmore of a gray area more like just snuggling. But because it was a gray area your ocd jumped in with a chisel and made you doubt your boyfriend and yourself. Before I got ocd treatment I needed a lot of chatter or the lights on during sex because if was dark and quiet I felt like I was sort of slipping away and losing myself. Ocd can be very tricky and it plays on our worst fears. Courage, sister!

[aparente001]

Hi there. Have you been evaluated, are you in treatment, have you ever tried meds for OCD? It's hard to know what to say without knowing where you are in your journey.

Here are some ideas for you and your partner to consider:

- learn practical tips for clear couple communication, including but not limited to communication around consent (we can all improve in this area!) -- as you do this together, you may wish to expand your repertoire of foreplay

- choose a fact sheet or article about OCD to share with him -- one way of avoiding getting too self-absorbed in one's own intrusive thoughts is to work on empathy for how your condition and symptoms may be affecting others (I'm glad to hear you noticed he was feeling sad)

There are some fact sheets about OCD at iocd.org. Also I really like Fred Penzel's articles: wsps.info/articles-by-frede...

By the way, just being inside the vagina by itself is pretty meaningless, if you think about it. So, in my opinion, it would be perfectly reasonable to give your partner an I-message, such as, "I really enjoy making love with you. I've been thinking about it, and I realized that I would enjoy it even more if we could explore ways of improving our communication, including communication around consent, and also discover more types of foreplay, which is especially important for women."

You might want to consider taking a little break from sex. If you decide to do this, it would be easier on both of you to get through that period if you avoid physical closeness such as sleeping in the same bed, snuggling on the sofa, etc. Instead, you could find other fun things to do together, e.g. ice skating, bowling, museum, art gallery, table games with a group, etc.

[Ihatocd122445 in reply to aparente001]

hi! I am currently on lexapro and have been diagnosed with ocd! I see a therapist weekly for it- but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s helping.. we touched on ERP but haven’t done it yet?

Thank you for the advice I really appreciate it! Unfortunately my boyfriend doesn’t really want to have sex until I get all my ocd stuff sorted out but I also don’t want to use avoidance and avoid sex! Just to clarify you don’t think what happened was rape right? I just want my ocd to end 😭

[aparente001 in reply to Ihatocd122445]

Take a look at healthmatch.io/ocd/lexapro-... regarding dosage levels for OCD, and possible side effects. Please note that changes in SSRI dosage should always be ramped up or down slooowly. When I was increasing my son's dosage of SSRI, I kept some of the smaller dosage tablets around to help with the gradual increase. Also, you can check with the pharmacist whether you can break them in half. Usually if it's scored, you can. If you increase suddenly, side effects are more likely. It's good to let the body get used to new drugs or new dosage. Also, remember that SSRIs can take about 2 to 6 weeks to be able to see improvement.

[Ihatocd122445 in reply to aparente001]

oh wow I didn’t realize the dose for ocd was 40! I think maybe I need a new doctor… I realize a lot of what we are going is talk therapy (he did meantion erp) which I read is making ocd worse! I’m going to talk to him when I meet with him next week!

Something I noticed when I was talking to him is that he wanted me to rationalize my thoughts and argue with my ocd which I think makes it worse!

[aparente001 in reply to Ihatocd122445]

Not everybody needs to go that high. You can print an article and give it to the provider. Also, you can assert yourself and inform the provider what's helpful and what's not helpful for you. It sounds like you have good awareness.

[aparente001]

It might be helpful to ask your therapist what training and experience they have with ERP. (Try to ask in a curious, non-threatening way.) There are many otherwise EXCELLENT therapists who have not been trained in ERP. Due to the shortage of therapists trained in ERP, it can sometimes be helpful to work with someone who is willing to attend a training and then be mentored by the IOCD Foundation or something similar, while working with the individual.

If you want to do sort of the prep step and take it to an appointment, here is what my son's therapist did with him in the first appointment. They made a list of things that my son felt he had to do, and things that made him acutely uncomfortable. (For example, upon seeing a certain animal which I will not mention by name, he had to scream and run away, and then he had intrusive thoughts about it.)

In the second appointment, they ranked the items in the list, with "1" going next to the "itch" or compulsion that was the weakest, and the unmentioned animal having the highest number. In his case, the "1" was, when he saw a dandelion flower, he had to pick it and flick it away with finger and thumb. (Not the dandelion in its seed head form, funnily enough.) Making this numbered list was called "mapping the OCD."

In the third appointment, they went outside, found a dandelion flower, and stood there looking at it. The therapist would ask him periodically how strong his "itch" to pick and flick away was (scale of 0 to 10), and she would write the number down. Initially it went up a bit higher then where it started. Then it started to go down. When it was around 1 (very weak), they were done. The therapist taught me to be the home exercise coach, and accompany him while he stood next to the dandelion flower, resisting the urge to pick and flick, and ask him every so often for his number, and I'd write it down. He was about 10 when he started, and having me present, and asking and taking note, was very helpful for him.

After about 10 days, he no longer felt the urge to pick and flick the dandelion flower. We took a break from the home exercise for a few days, and in the next appointment, they would start tackling the next item on the list.

Note, this is not the only way of doing ERP -- it's just the way it was done with my son.

You are welcome to share my reply with your therapist.

What dose are you taking for Lexapro? How long have you been at that dosage level?

[Ihatocd122445 in reply to aparente001]

thank you!!! I will share it with him! I am currently on 10- I was on 5 for a long time and my ocd was really under control and then I thought I didn’t need it anymore and tried to go off of it and this is when my old theme came back I went back up to 10 and if I don’t feel better my dr told me to go up to 20!