Thoughts of self destruction

[vencedora]

At the weekend I traveled with my boyfriend on a motorcycle and in the middle of the journey, it came to my mind as if he was ordering me to jump off the motorcycle at high speed and fall between the cars. I felt so bad at the time because I had these bad thoughts. Could this be a symptom of harm OCD? Has anyone here ever gone through something similar?

[deValentin]

I understand it could be scary when those types of thoughts happen. One time I was walking on the edge of a cliff and the thought of jumping off popped in my mind. I put the thought in the "spam folder", so to speak, and I carried on as normal. I was no worse for wear at the end of it. With the passing of time, you get used to thoughts that don't reflect your true self. You accept that the human mind isn't a perfectly functioning "machine".

[vencedora in reply to deValentin]

My biggest fear is that for a moment I won't be able to control these thoughts and end up doing it.

[deValentin in reply to vencedora]

I understand your fear. You lost faith in your ability to control those unwanted thoughts. Some people lose faith in their ability to control their drinking, gambling, appetite, anger, fear, etc. So, they lose their motivation to control those desires or emotions. They think, what's the point? I won't succeed anyway.

In order to regain faith in their self-control, they need to experience success. If they have reasonable self-control one day, they hope they can have it the following day, and so on. One day at the time. So, if you didn't act on your awful thoughts in the past, why can't you reasonably believe you won't act on them in the future? People don't change overnight.

Your conscience is what stops you from acting against your values. For instance, if you believe that stealing is wrong, you have the opportunity to steal with impunity, and you're tempted to do it, you'll experience some discomfort at the thought of doing it. That discomfort helps you resist the temptation.

Awful thoughts pop into your mind. They make you feel uncomfortable, so your conscience is working. However, you’re afraid your conscience may not be strong enough to stop you from acting on those thoughts one day. My question is, what objective reasons do you have to distrust your ability to control yourself? Is it because you can’t stop having awful thoughts, that you believe you won’t be able to stop acting on them?

“You cannot keep birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.”

[Coffeelove4444 in reply to deValentin]

Excellent advice!!

[vencedora in reply to deValentin]

What makes me fear that at some point I won't have control over myself is because I have these thoughts almost all the time and I can't handle so much pressure, the anguish and pain are great in having these horrible thoughts with the people I love most, it seems like OCD wants to force you to do them, as if it would bring you relief. This is all disgusting.

[deValentin in reply to vencedora]

I understand. It’s the frequency of those unwanted thoughts and the anguish you feel as a consequence that feed your fear of losing control. It’s a vicious cycle. The anguish you feel at having those thoughts increases their frequency, and vice versa.

Have you heard of emotional reasoning? The more you feel anxious, the more you think there is a reason to feel anxious, and the more you think your anxiety is justified, the more you feel anxious. It’s a trap.

How to lower your anxiety level? Don’t let your unwanted thoughts prevent you from carrying out normal activities such as going for groceries, doing household chores, earning an income, enjoying a nature walk, etc. Not letting them prevent you from having a normal life is a source of peace of mind. With a greater peace of mind your fear of losing control weakens. If your fear of losing control goes down, your self-confidence goes up. With each passing minute you prove that it’s possible to live reasonably well with the certainties you already have. Getting absolute certainties in regard to your ability to control yourself isn’t a matter of life and death anymore. A reasonable faith in yourself and the future is restored.

This change takes time and efforts, but it’s worth it in the end.

[vencedora in reply to deValentin]

Just gratitude to you for always being here advising me and answering so many doubts. Thank you my friend!

[vencedora in reply to deValentin]

Before I knew about the existence of OCD, everything was much worse, now that I know about it I still feel bad but I know that it's this disgusting thing that causes all this.

[IStillHaveHope]

I'm not a doctor or a therapist, but these definitely sound like OCD thoughts. I've had Harm OCD (HOCD) in the past, that I may lose control and hurt someone. What has helped me though was that I read years ago that people with OCD don't act on these thoughts. If we actually desired these things they wouldn't bother us so much

It's also important to remember that OCD is a liar and a bully. It tells us the opposite of what we most treasure. A peaceful person would have violent thoughts; a religious person blasphemous; or a faithful partner thoughts of cheating. Knowing this I can reasonably deduce that you are a kind person who values life and other people.

Another thing that helped me was realizing that OCD was a feeling problem not a thinking problem. The thoughts don't matter, it's the associated anxiety that is the problem. People with OCD tend to thing if the can just figure out a thought then it will go away. In my experience this isn't true and another thought will just take it's place. That is why we learn to allow the thoughts just to be and move towards what we value, not what the OCD says is important.

I don't know if this will help, but I create a post a while ago detailing what I have learned on my OCD journey thus far. Maybe it will help:

healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p...

I hope you find the peace you deserve my friend. May God bless you.

[vencedora in reply to IStillHaveHope]

Thank you very much for your words, I will definitely look at your post. May God bless you, friend! 🙏