I'm feeling guilty af because I didn't suffer "enough" from disturbing thoughts

[Grimes1904]

Hi. I was having really bad thoughts yesterday, worse thoughts I've had all my life. But I think I didn't suffer enough? Like my experience with those thoughts was not bad enough? And that disturbs me and makes me feel bad, uneasy, crazy.

The thing is... those were the worst thoughs I've ever had. And I didn't have a great time with them, at all. I went through a lot, I prayed, try to supressed them, tell myself they were only thoughts, I did a little bit of self harm (but I enjoyed self harming so I dont know of that coubts) I just think I wasnt as miserable as I was with other thoughts. And that scared me.

Now I'm definetely suffering but it's because of the guilt of what happened yesterday.

I dont know if I didnt suffer that much because I'm kinda used to having really disturbing thoughts, so having the most bizzare thoughts didn't feel that new. Or maybe it was because they're definetely the most ego-dystonic thoughts I've ever had so I'm not worried about them meaning a lot. But the fact that I couldn't stop them and my mind felt like it wanted to have them, worries me... A lot.

I'm going crazy.

[PaperTigers]

The intrusive thoughts often center around the stuff that's most important to us and are usually the exact opposite of how we really feel. It's so messed up to have terrible things go through your head like that. I'm sorry you're struggling and hope you find solace. I know that beating yourself up is a compulsion of its own. Hang in there. God bless.

[Grimes1904 in reply to PaperTigers]

Hi Paper, thanks for your valuable answer. I think that they just go to the more twisted places to make me feel bad. And I didn't know that! Makes sense. I need to beat myself up so I don't feel bad, which sounds crazy.

[Mcfly64]

Hello. I know how hard it is. I am constantly having disturbing thoughts. They make me feel massively guilty. They make me doubt myself and make me think I am a terrible person. My anxiety levels are high and it just takes away any happiness or joy and just makes me want to hide away from everyone and not interact with anyone.Every day is a struggle but we must persevere and not let the ocd bully win and control our lives. We must show ourselves compassion and believe that we are good people.

[Grimes1904 in reply to Mcfly64]

Hi Mcfly, thanks for being here! I identify myself with your comment a lot. That's how I'm feeling... I feel terrible, I feel like I should die, I can't feel joy and I draw away from everyone. I do all those things to feel less guilt. Hit me up if you want to chat! I don't think you're horrible at all, no matter what your thoughts are.

[Mcfly64 in reply to Grimes1904]

Hi Grimes. Hope you a doing better

[Eli_E]

Hi. I experience the fears around whether my reaction to my intrusive thoughts was big enough. OCD is twisted like that. The point of ERP and therapy is to accept the thoughts so that you don't have as much anxiety, but then of course, when that happens, OCD switches it up and says because you don't have as much anxiety it must be true. I'm so sorry you are experiencing all this. I know its much easier said than done, but the more you can let your disturbing thoughts exist and not try to solve them or the feelings they do or do not cause, the better.

[Grimes1904 in reply to Eli_E]

Thanks Eli. And yeah, OCD is pretty clever sometimes... And I got a question, is it normal that intrusive thouthgs distract you? I just got distracted while in a sensitive moment because of a bad thought and I feel bad... Makes me wonder if I was focusing in that thouthgt And it's confussing because it feels like my mind just search for them at the worst times.

And what you comment is very true... I just watch a video about that, "anxious about not being anxious". Anxiety is like safety for me.

[Eli_E in reply to Grimes1904]

Yes, I can definitely get distracted by intrusive thoughts or so caught up In them that I jsut get a little lost

[LovinMyFungus]

I used to feel like what youre describing. Its kind of hell in there a way most cant relate. Can you try to imagine that your body and brain are just trying to tell you something is wrong physically inside? Its not "you" or some fault but a physical manifestation of a toxin or overload? If there's a toxin,it would affect the nervous system wouldnt it ? Our nervous system convey signals to our brain and it would be haywire if the toxin was making our nervous system haywire wouldnt it? If you can be aware of it next time,detached, does it start and then grow worse? Does it seem to come with no trigger you can find any pattern in, like random? Your posts are the ones that keep notifying me.. only yours. If you are essentially an electrical wire, and a downed live wire, it looks pretty chaotic right?

[Grimes1904 in reply to LovinMyFungus]

Hi Fungus! Thanks for your comment.

For me, it starts with a little image, like a flashback. Then I get nervous... because I feel like the thought wants to manifest, and I don't feel any quiet when I try to not think about that. It feels like a tension. Then, I have the thought and it stops there or it gets worse. I fight againts them but I don't figth at all because I think the thought just wants to pop up. After that, I feel very guilty, suicidal, horrible.

There are triggers, other times they just come. But they come with this weird ritual where I feel anxious trying to supress the thought, and anxious after having it. Well, that happens anytime actually. When I'm having an intimate moment, they always come, but I fight more in those moments. But I feel horrible because I'm having those thoughts in those intimate moments.

And sorry! I'm probably driving everyone crazy with my constant posts.

[LovinMyFungus in reply to Grimes1904]

So much of what's going on can be mental but also physical. We often think it can only be "..label" due to indoctrination,and then we dont look outside the box because we have no awareness right?I used to fight myself constantly and had to work hard to release resistance to my anxiety( allow it). I've since learned that I struggled very hard because what I thought was my mind malfunctioning, or some past trauma, or this or that,or blah blah blah, was a combination of physically not giving my body what it required but also mentally fighting what it did as a result of those choices. The mind can't work when the brain can't fire/jump across it's neuron gaps, and like any physical thing, its a part of a body that requires those things to run at optimal level. Not sure how I ever could have missed that. Maybe your resistance is your body saying no, it's not there, and you keep fighting that answer? What if you were curious about this loop you got into a lab test that's not about you, but like you're a scientist observing the rat in a maze? Mediation works that way.. by staying outside and also simultaneously observing "you", doing what you're doing. Then you record your observations. It's information you bring with you to the next experiment. The part that sucks and can be very hard till you get the hang of it, is being detached from the rather intense emotional charges right?. It's not about not having the charges but observing them while having them. This gives you space.. to breathe. OCD is very tight as I'm sure you feel and know? I'm curious. What would a very tight small enclosed box that you circle inside of do, if you were only observing it like it was another person? Again, so much can be a physical issue of not enough nutrients or too many toxins, but aside from that, does anything I said intrigue you or catch your interest? If "you" feel guilty, who is the one that judged? If it's "you" trying to suppress a thought, who having the thought?

[LovinMyFungus]

My next question might really throw you. Lol. What would happen if you validated each and every one of those moments as they happened?