Understanding who I am

[SushiMan92]

I’m not sure if this is an aspect of my OCD but it feels like it is. I have had OCD for 11 years and I am struggling to know who I really am. I do this weird thing where I sort of create a catagory of a person, Like a geek or a manly man or even at one point a 12 year old child and then I try to adjust my life and interests to fit those stereo types. I feel compelled to do this. I think it started as a coping mechanism whenever I would be confronted with an OCD situation I couldn’t handle I would almost pretend to be someone else who could cope with it.

However now my OCD has improved but the compulsions to be in categories remain. Several times I have tried to stop and it works for a while but gradually I slip back into them. I am currently attempting to stop again but I am struggling to know who I sm without them. What do I really enjoy, what do I really like to eat, what do I do with my time. It’s making me frustrated and angry and I don’t know how to pin down my true self.

I hope this all makes sense to someone, this is my first post. Any advice would be appreciated.

[nkotbjoeymc]

It make’s sense to me.

[IStillHaveHope]

I'm wondering if this is an OCD thing and more of a self development thing. I know when I was younger I would try and be the person people wanted me to be, or who I thought I wanted to be. This led me to wonder who I "really" was. Was I the tough guy who didn't care when I was around my friends? What I the nerdy highschool guy who go picked on daily? Or was I the high performing guy at work? I think the answer to this is that, "I am all of these"

This will probably get a little hard to explain but I'll try. I've done a lot of meditation and self reflection and what it's shown me is that everyone one is way bigger than we realize. We put on these personas and go about our daily lives. The word "persona" originally meant "mask" in Greek and that's what we're doing, putting on masks to interact with the world. However, the mask is not you and we can get confused about that. We think we are the mask, but that limits us and deep down we know it's not true. That's not to say the masks are bad. They help us interact in predictable ways with each others and the world. We just need to remember that most times we're not seeing another person fully, we're just seeing the mask their currently wearing.

I will also add this. At one point while meditating I also felt, what I'll call, the mask fall away. I feel like I caught a glimpse of what I was at my center and that was life changing. The best way I can describe it was that it was just love. Unconditional love that just wanted to be expressed in this world. It felt ageless and timeless and powerful. This experience left me shocked for a few days, but I also came to the belief that this is what everyone else at their heart was. Behind all the masks, egos, fears, etc. each person was this love. I think most people don't see this and they don't know how utterly beautiful and powerful they are. They are so much bigger than they can even realize.

I guess that's my way of saying, don't cling to fear little one. You are exactly who you need to be in this and all moments.

I realize this may just be me rambling, but I hope it helps some. God bless you.

[LuvSun in reply to IStillHaveHope]

beautiful response