relationship problem/please help :/

[redswallow84]

rocd/relationship ocd

i’ve been going out with my girlfriend for a year and 2 months it started happening in january(so5-6 months i’ve been dealing with this) the main thoughts were “do i really love her” “do i really wanna be with her” “would i cheat on her” so much negative thoughts i didn’t know what it was at the time and every since they started i haven’t felt any “love” feelings for my girlfriend she still makes me laugh and smile but there’s no connection,before the thoughts started i was so used to going out with my girlfriend to her friends or just being outside away from my house but when winter came that all stopped and all we did was just watch movies in my sitting room every single day (i finished school and i am unemployed so all i do is stay home),i think because of this i started hating on my relationship so much because i wasent used to boring days i went through a phase where for 2-3 months everyday i would get so annoyed at her for little things or even nothing and then i realised and said that i don’t wanna treat her like this anymore so i controlled my anger but now that these rocd thoughts have become daily i feel like i’m going back to that phase where i don’t care about anything she does or says like yesterday when i was getting my tablet out of my tablet packet she opened a new packet even tho there was one left in a old packet and i got so annoyed i didn’t wanna be but it wouldn’t go away but now the main thoughts right now are “do i really wanna be with her” and i think it’s taking a toll on me that i don’t feel anything for her or any connection because she’s the most amazing person i’ve ever met but i think ever since i started getting these thoughts i’ve lacked on keeping the relationship alive because before (for our one year in march) i didn’t feel anything and i was so stressed about it but here and there i felt things and then i didn’t, so i thought that i was getting through it but it turned to monthly thoughts to weekly and now it’s daily it’s so bad it’s crying every day and panick attacks everyday it’s gotten to the stage where i don’t know my true feelings anymore i still love and care about her and when the weekly thoughts came i’d be doubting and not knowing until i got to the point where i’d have a panick attack and then in that panick attack i’d know for sure i love her and wanna be with her it’s happend a few times where i’d consider taking a break(because i felt bad constantly putting her through this and i felt so overwhelmed that i didn’t know if i wanted to be with her) and every single time i would be dreading it but i didn’t wanna break up but i’m terrified that the thoughts could be true or real i have a feeling deep down like in my chest or stomach that i don’t wanna be with her but it’s only happend like 2-3 times,it’s so frustrating i just wanna love her 100% and be back to the way we used to be but i’m scared i’m giving up on the relationship because of these thoughts i’m scared that deep down i know i don’t want a relationship but when i think about it i’d be miserable if we broke up i’d miss her so much and everything we do together,

can relationship ocd make you feel like things are real i’m scared that i think i know that i don’t wanna be with my partner but then i still wanna keep fighting for us and make things better but that thought just feels so real and rn i feel like i’m already going through a breakup like when i look at our pictures i get happy but then sad that we’re not like that rn and usually start crying or i hold onto things that she gives me more like rocks or she put this wrapper around my hand and now i won’t take it off i’m so confused with reality and what’s just in my head it’s like a on going battle in my head whether to break up with her or keep trying in our relationship i just wanna make things better i want her to be my person and be fully happy with her and put the effort in and just notice and feel the little things again i just feel deep down i really don’t wanna be with her or just in a relationship right now but still see her and do things with her but then i think that i still wanna be her girlfriend and kiss her and just be physically affectionate with her i so lost in this

[Littleducky5]

I went through that EXACT same thing. It consumed my mind qnd I was so full of panic I didn't know what my true feelings were anymore. I felt like I was lying when I said "I love you" but it wasn't a normal feeling, it was like I knew I really did but a monster had taken over. I ended up breaking up with him because I felt so guilty. I felt relief at the time but now I will never forgive myself. That was 15 years ago. I had no idea it was OCD at the time and I wish I knew then what I know now I think you really love her or it wouldn't affect you this much. OCD attacks the things we care about the most.

I found out I had lyme disease during that time and I'm convinced that's what changed my brain. I've always had OCD but never that bad. My ocd continued but in other content areas. But I was deathly afraid of getting in another relationship because I didn't ever want to go through that again.. I ended up getting on zoloft which helped, but the two things that made the biggest difference were beef liver capsules (they are full of nutrients that can affect your mood if you're deficient in them) and probiotics with ashwaghanda.

Good luck and please know it's OCD and not your real feelings. Hope that gives you some relief.

[Adele62]

I think all relationships have moments where people fantasize about leaving their partner. They are only thoughts that will come and go if you allow them to pass. I once read that the majority of long term married couples have thought seriously about divorce. Better to let the relationship slowly progress over time. You can’t hurry love. When you get these negative thoughts just say- that’s interesting, thanks for letting me know - then continue on with what you wanted to do.

[IStillHaveHope]

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now.

I had some trouble reading your post but believe I got the feeling of it. OCD can be terrible and I'll echo what Littleducky5 said; OCD attacks what we love the most. It's normal to have doubts about your partner from time to time, but if they are causing you great distress and interfering with your life you may want to ask for help.

I can only tell you how it was for me since everyone's path is different. Things started to change for me when I was just honest with my doctor. I told him what I was feeling and he prescribed some medicine. I also asked him to refer me to a therapist that was in my Health Insurance network. It was hard and took a few tries, but eventually I found a medicine that helped. It doesn't change "who you are" and is not a "happy pill". It just took the edge off and allowed me to deal with the feelings better. It allowed me to work with my therapist better to develop habits and coping mechanisms to deal with my OCD.

I guess what I'm saying is, you are not alone in this. There are millions of people who have felt the same way as you and got better. Some of them are right here on this site If you are having trouble, there is no shame in asking for help. In fact it takes great courage to do that.

I truly hope you find the peace you're looking for friend. God bless and keep you.