How to Break the Cycle

[Maximus2019]

Hello. The way I phrased the question sort of assumes what I'm struggling with lately with is in fact OCD, so I first wanted to confirm that that's the case. If it is OCD, then I want to break the constant cycle that I'm in.

I am a 41 year old separated man with a daughter in high school who is 15. I constantly struggle over trying to find the right balance between spending time and mental energy on her growth, and, on the other hand, spending time and mental energy in relationships. There seems to never be a satisfying solution to what the right balance should be. One day I will commit to not having relationships at all until my daughter is at least 17 so that I can focus on helping her get good grades during these foundational years. Once I teach her to be independent, I tell myself, then I can focus on relationships with less guilt.

Then I get frustrated and break down and will go online and try and meet someone- often just looking for a quick fling or a way. If I don't have this issue resolved in my mind, then it will be more difficult to focus on things like doing my daughter's home work with her, or even just having a conversation.

I'd greatly appreciate any tips on how to manage this conflict.

Thank you!

[wishingonastar1]

There is no reason why you can’t do both. You’re single so it’s natural that you would like to date/have company. The fact that you are focused on helping your daughter get good grades is admirable - my Dad was never like that.

Maybe you should speak to your daughter and ask if she would be okay if you were dating? That might help you make a decision.

For the record, I don’t think you have OCD. You just want to be a good Dad and I think you are doing a great job. I don’t think too many men would care/have guilt about dating - they would just do it whether their child cared or not.

[Maximus2019 in reply to wishingonastar1]

Thank you for your response.

She would not be ok with me dating right now, or at least I'd be hesitant to bring it up. I think I should keep it to a minimum (e.g. once or twice a month) for the next few years or so. That way it doesn't get too distracting.

[wishingonastar1 in reply to Maximus2019]

Just remember, your needs are important too.

[Sallyskins]

Of course it's natural to want to help your daughter do well at school. But good grades are really down to her. It's impossible to live one's children's lives for them - it's enough to be there to support them. If she gets good grades, then well done, but it's her responsibility.

And it's also natural to want something for yourself. There's no reason why a single man shouldn't try and find someone for himself. It doesn't mean you can't be there for your daughter as well.

But I suggest you don't try to do your daughter's homework with her. If she is to be independent then she needs to do it herself. Spoon feeding isn't really the best way to teach her independence. It's good to help her - it doesn't mean you shouldn't give her the benefit of your knowledge and experience - but if she goes to university or college and when she starts work she's going to have to, and want to, stand on her own feet.

To get a balance, it doesn't have to be either/or. It might help if you clarified in your mind what you want from a relationship - a fling or something more serious and long term. A fling can be fun, but something deeper might make you feel better about yourself. And any decent partner will accept that you need to put your daughter first.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you Sally. I appreciate the practical advice.