advice RE sexual obsessions

[OCDotter]

I suffer terrible from sexual unwanted thoughts, and have done in varying degrees over last 30 years. The worst is the ruminating about the past, I spend hours going over past thoughts i have had trying to remeber how i felt when i had thoughts, or going over actions i had to see if i did anything or thought anything inappropriate. This is very tiring and leads me into a spiral of constant reassuring and judging of my past thoughts , Does this make my ocd worse? I also try to find out whenever these thoughts started and why ...which is always fruitless,,, but i have to do it...like an urge! The thought checking is also horrible as i imagine the thought to see what reaction i get, sometimes i dont feel disgust as im supposed to, but just a sensation related to the action, this is all in my head so i guess i have no real idea on how it would feel, but i would hnever ever do the action. I also feel terrible guilt for havig the thought especially as it is triggered when near my beloved child who i adore. Its horrific and ruining my life. I keep elling me they are just thoughts and sensations but it is really hard. How do i get past the guilt and let go of the past ? thanks so much

[Mcfly64]

Are you getting any help for your ocd? Unwanted sexual thoughts are very common with ocd. I have had them. You are not alone. Try to remember they are just irrational thoughts.

[OCDotter in reply to Mcfly64]

Thank you so much for your kind reply. ocd is horrible , my mom suffered with it for over 40 years. Mine started with HOCD (mainly triggered by childhood bullying etc) but that doesn't bother me in the slightest now which is weird. Now its just a scary sexual unwanted thought that i get with anyone, that,s OK, but if i get it near my child it is really tormenting.I adore him and would never harm him. I know what i have to do, NO CHECKING, NO GOING OVER PAST THOUGHTS, NO ANALYZING , ACCEPT ANY THOUGHTS, SENSATIONS ETC but it is soooooo hard. Ive done it before and the thoughts seem to eventually fade away.Right now i have a great urge to start going over past thoughts again ( i mean going back even 20 years or more which is very tiring and difficult to remember !) just to make sure i am not a monster ...even though i haven't done anything wrong, ....as thoughts , good or bad or whether like them or not ..are just thoughts. I think everybody has weird or so called bad thoughts but we put too much importance on them. I guess there are no bad or good thoughts...as thoughts are just thoughts and it is our reaction to them that makes them become "bad" or "good" . I also make lists all the time with reasons why i am not a monster , i guess reassurance again. Does all reassurance and checking give more power to the thought? I think i already know the answer so i am doing reassurance again! I just need to go cold turkey, let go of the past and stop all compulsions.....or reduce them considerably. I have had periods of my life when the compulsions are virtually nonexistent or reduced. Other times, usually when stressed when i enter the spiral of rumination. I think the rumination and endless going over the past is now my main problem and checking how i feel which is horrific and im sure my feelings are distorted too. I have had a bit of not very professional ERP but i just get caught i up in analyzing the thought etc I haven't had any really good therapy and has included going over my childhood etc which im sure doesn't help ! (although i was physically abused). Another thing..the guilt of having the thoughts, how do you move past that, The guilt is horrible. I just pray to god to forgive me (possibly another compulsion! ha ha ) I have mental and physical compulsions (hitting head, hitting objects, phrase repeating) and most of the time its just a reaction to anxiety in my body not actually an intrusive thought, which is weird. feel anxious=compulsion. I think we are just very sensitive people , in our minds too much, with very high morals/values and this makes us more susceptible to these thoughts. ad maybe with very creative imaginations too! I am trying mindfulness but it is hard and you have to practice every day. It should be a compulsory part of the curriculum at primary/secondary school as child stress/anxiety is a big problem

Anyway enough rambling on , thanks again for your support and i hope you are on way to recovery! any tips RE rumination etc greatly welcome

lots love julian

[OCDotter in reply to Mcfly64]

this is excellent healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p...

[IStillHaveHope]

Hello,

I'm sorry you're having trouble right now. I've had this type of OCD and can relate.

From what I understand right now, the ruminating, replaying, and judging are the compulsions. The good new is that you're not alone and that there are thousands of people who want (and can) help.

I started to get a lot better once I was just honest with my doctor. I went in and told him how I was feeling and what I was thinking. He prescribed some medicine and I asked him to recommend a councilor. I'm not saying it was easy, but within a few months I was feeling better. I can't really describe it, but the thoughts got less "sticky" and I was able to "ignore" them somewhat.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is hope. I and many other on this site are living proof.

I really hope you find some peace in this. Take care my friend.

[OCDotter in reply to IStillHaveHope]

this is excellent

healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p...

[outtasnacks97]

Hey there just want to start out saying don't feel alone whatsoever with these thoughts! I struggle with very similar ones and am actually going to bring them up in therapy for the first time. In the moment rumination and checking seems like it's the most helpful way out, but it really isn't. It may provide you some comfort feeling like you may have got your mind straight and figured it out but the thoughts always come back. It's hard to break the pattern of checking and it's my biggest struggle. I have been caught up in spirals of all the above (thought checking, going back to remember how i felt in certain times, not being able to settle until i remember how i felt) I advise talking to someone about it whether a therapist/doctor/councilor. OCD thoughts make thing skewed a lot of the time as well, what may just seemed like a thought at one time can spiral into making it feel real. And no need to feel embarrassed or guilty (easier said than done in the moment i know)especially when talking about it, thousands of people struggle with this and there are people out there that understand and will help you! Because this irrational thought bothers you and causes discomfort, and those two things show that these thoughts are not your gut feelings. It's hard and it takes time but you WILL feel better and feel validated. Intrusive thoughts have a way of making things feel real, and they can come at the most vulnerable times, but like Mcfly64 told me You are not your thoughts. For me after talking about a lot of my thoughts and urges, it helped me to accept them and accept myself a lot more. I know this is a lengthy one but i help it helps! You're human and these thoughts are not easy. but everyone can learn to manage and accept

[OCDotter in reply to outtasnacks97]

Dear Outtasnacks (love the name!). sorry for long reply! I hope you dont mind but its very much the same reply as to the other really kind people who replied to me! Thank you so much for your kind reply. ocd is horrible , my mom suffered with it for over 40 years. Mine started with HOCD (mainly triggered by childhood bullying etc) but that doesn't bother me in the slightest now which is weird. Now its just a scary sexual unwanted thought that i get with anyone, that,s OK, but if i get it near my child it is really tormenting.I adore him and would never harm him. I know what i have to do, NO CHECKING, NO GOING OVER PAST THOUGHTS, NO ANALYZING , ACCEPT ANY THOUGHTS, SENSATIONS ETC but it is soooooo hard. Ive done it before and the thoughts seem to eventually fade away.Right now i have a great urge to start going over past thoughts again ( i mean going back even 20 years or more which is very tiring and difficult to remember !) just to make sure i am not a monster ...even though i haven't done anything wrong, ....as thoughts , good or bad or whether like them or not ..are just thoughts. I think everybody has weird or so called bad thoughts but we put too much importance on them. I guess there are no bad or good thoughts...as thoughts are just thoughts and it is our reaction to them that makes them become "bad" or "good" . I also make lists all the time with reasons why i am not a monster , i guess reassurance again. Does all reassurance and checking give more power to the thought? I think i already know the answer so i am doing reassurance again! I just need to go cold turkey, let go of the past and stop all compulsions.....or reduce them considerably. I have had periods of my life when the compulsions are virtually nonexistent or reduced. Other times, usually when stressed when i enter the spiral of rumination. I think the rumination and endless going over the past is now my main problem and checking how i feel which is horrific and im sure my feelings are distorted too. I have had a bit of not very professional ERP but i just get caught i up in analyzing the thought etc I haven't had any really good therapy and has included going over my childhood etc which im sure doesn't help ! (although i was physically abused).

Another thing..the guilt of having the thoughts, how do you move past that, The guilt is horrible. I just pray to god to forgive me (possibly another compulsion! ha ha ) I have mental and physical compulsions (hitting head, hitting objects, phrase repeating) and most of the time its just a reaction to anxiety in my body not actually an intrusive thought, which is weird. feel anxious=compulsion. I think we are just very sensitive people , in our minds too much, with very high morals/values and this makes us more susceptible to these thoughts. ad maybe with very creative imaginations too! I am trying mindfulness but it is hard and you have to practice every day. It should be a compulsory part of the curriculum at primary/secondary school as child stress/anxiety is a big problem

Anyway enough rambling on , thanks again for your support and i hope you are on way to recovery! and any way i can support you please tell me ! any tips RE rumination etc greatly welcome. I am reading and recommend great book Let it Go by i think somebody Hayes (about letting the past go) which helps a bit and mindfullness for OCD by John Hershfield which is very good

lots love julian

[OCDotter in reply to outtasnacks97]

this is excellent

healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p...