OCD and success

[BrandonD]

I have severe OCD connected to success and idk what to do about it. I have trouble where I repeat things over and over again and I’m worried about someone seeing it since I live in a dorm. And like that’s the hardest thing to explain like there’s no way I could rationalize me reopening my doorknob multiple times before entering my room. And like I feel like the better I’m doing the better I get with my OCD but the adverse happens where it’s like the harder I feel like I’m going to fall. And like I’m a bodybuilder, a physics major, I want to be a writer, there’s just a lot going on. And as much as I might be doing good one day, if things go poorly even the smallest amount and I feel like I’m losing traction like I am rn, it gets so bad. Like I feel lately like Howard Hughes in the Aviator and like I don’t see it deescalating anytime soon. And like there’s this weird thing with success where when somethings feels right I see Terry Crews in my head because that’s someone I see as successful and look up to because I love his work like Brooklyn 99 is my comfort show. But when my brain tells me I’m doing something wrong I see my old boss, and I quit because that was a toxic working environment and I was in a bad place and couldn’t stick up for myself because they stripped away all my confidence. And like I’m just so worried I’m going to go back to that. And like now that so much is riding on me being successful and that I moved to a new city for school and everything’s going great. It looks over me every time something doesn’t go according to plan. That I’m somehow going to lose the success I’ve found if I miss that door knob, or the handle of the faucet isn’t turned just the right way when I’m filling up my water pitcher. And even typing this, admitting these things are bothering me it feels wrong like if I hit send it could all go away, but I’m doing it anyway. Because I hope maybe if I vocalize this it could help someone else.

[LuvSun]

Hi BrandonD- I can sort of relate to you in that I often feel like if I don’t do or say or whatever that all the good things in my life are going to disappear. I love my life but my OCD is always making me feel like if I don’t do something just right than I don’t deserve the things I have. Hopefully that makes sense. Sometimes I give in to the OCD and sometimes I don’t and I believe nothing has ever been taken away because of these irrational beliefs. Hang in there 👍