An Honest Question About Deserving Happiness

[BlueB21]

As someone who suffers from a ton of real event OCD and guilt, who has hurt people's feelings, and years ago been called out for it, I have since kept a tight lid on my happiness. The thought seems to be "you don't deserve to be happy, you made others upset. What would it look like if there you were, being happy, joking around, when someone who you've hurt, or who knows the hurtful things you've done sees you being so happy? Wouldn't they think 'wow he must really not feel bad about what he's done, because if he did, he wouldn't be able to be so happy or get over it.'"

It doesn't help that I am trying to do comedy for a living and am basically asking people to come see me as a source of humor and happiness, when I feel like if they knew me, they'd throw rotten fruit at me and feel so betrayed.

So my question which I've been trying to look at non-judgmentally and from an observational perspective is: why should someone who did bad things to others deserve still be happy and feel the right to try to make others happy?

[MothFir]

Unless you have access to a time machine, you can only change the present and the future (and in science fiction when people try to "fix" the past it usually doesn't go very well). If you realize that your past behaviors were not exactly stellar, but you've tried to change and make amends if appropriate, there's no reason not to be happy now. I've known a few people who are happy, kind, productive members of their community, and only later do I find out that they used to be very different (arrogant, meanspirited, convicted criminals, whatever). That doesn't make me think less of them; in fact I personally admire people who have had the insight and willpower to turn their lives around to one degree or another.

There's also the reality that no one goes through life without hurting other people. Someone who seems like a saint because they spend all their time helping homeless people may have a family that feels neglected. Someone devoted to their children might have a blind spot when it comes to the needs of children who are not theirs. Dig deep enough and you will find that everyone falls short.

In full disclosure, a lot of my views on this topic are informed by my Christianity, which has always made sense to me because it maintains that even though we live in a universe where there is right and wrong, no one gets it right all the time, and everyone needs some amount of grace and forgiveness. At the extreme are situations like the stories of mothers who lost their children in the Rwandan genocide, but have now made peace with the very men who killed them and are working together to rebuild their society. I don't know if I could be that forgiving, but I like to think I would try.

Finally remember that OCD is going to cause you to hold yourself to a higher standard than everyone else. You aren't specific about what you feel guilty about, but is it really as heinous as you feel? My own OCD seems to excuse the worst behavior in other people while making me feel like the lowest, most irresponsible person in the world when I accidentally cut someone off in traffic. Keep in mind that while it seems noble to hold yourself to a higher standard than others, it's actually a bit arrogant. It's sort of like saying, "Yeah, the rest of you are expected to screw up, but ME? I'm supposed to be perfect!"

Hope you are able to get to a place of peace about this.

[BlueB21 in reply to MothFir]

Hey MothFir, and thank you so much for your response. I cannot tell you how much your perspective has shifted my own today. This was a nice dose of reality and objectivity that I think my brain needed to help build a new paradigm about recovering. Thank you again!

[alexandraisobsessed IOCDF Advocate in reply to MothFir]

This response is so beautiful and compassionate. I have nothing to add. I just want you to know that this is lovely and it made me smile.

[MothFir in reply to alexandraisobsessed]

Thank you!