How do I deal with uncertainity?

[nohope12312]

I am dealing with pocd.

well last year, I went into dark web one night. honestly that is all I remember. I have multiple memories of that same incident.

one of that memory is that I might have masturbated to child porn.

I am freaking out. I seriously don't know, but now I feel like I am someone who always wanted to see child porn and will masturbate again if I got another chance to.

I am crushing my skull to figure out if I will ever do that, and I don't know if I did it.

I don't know when was the last time I slept tbh. this feels like living hell. Why am I feeling like I would masturbate to it if I got a chance to?

because of this, I started to rarely use my computer, I am worried I would go into one with curiosity, and i am even getting images of me doing that in the future.

am I a pedophile? someone please help me.

[Anonymous00010001]

Hello there.

I have lived with POCD myself as well, and I have done similar things to that. I have never looked at actual images or videos of child sexual abuse, but one of my most recurring compulsions is to masturbate to drawings and stories of child sexual abuse. It happens maybe once or twice a year at least, where I can't control the urge to check, and I go on a binge until I have exhausted myself. Everytime that happens, I'm left to pick up the pieces of myself and put them back together. Each time it feels like it takes longer for me to come back to myself. What I can say about these episodes is that they tend to occur when I am super stressed, usually because of my obsessions, or when I can't seem to control the urges that arise from constantly checking.

It is very much possible that you did masturbate to such images. It is very much possible that you felt intense feelings of arousal and even more intense sensations of physical pleasure. It is also possible that you had been aware of your actions whilst you were doing them. Arousal is a tricky thing to understand, and there is a big misconception that we can control what we are attracted to, or what stimulates arousal. However, as humans, we are creatures of instinct, so it is extremely likely that you saw sexual images and reacted to them with a sexual response. Because that is what happens to a human body when presented with sexual stimuli, it responds in kind.

One of my biggest worries is that I will suddenly no longer care about the well being of a child and loose control. I constantly ruminate about it, running scenarios in my mind of intrusive imagery of artwork or stories that I've seen. It is a constant stream of it. The best that I can do when it happens is to just let it wash over me, to allow those feelings to play themselves out. It is never pleasant, and I derive no pleasure from it. The danger is falling into that spiral of rumination, of reviewing every action, every image, every response you might have had.

This is not medical advice, but it is an example of some of the techniques that I learned from therapy to ease myself out from that anxiety spiral.

The best thing you can do is agree to those thoughts. Agree to the possibility that you might be a pedophile, agree to the possibility that you might loose control one day. This is a technique from exposure and response prevention therapy.

The other thing is to resist the temptation to look at those images again, because that will only strengthen the cycle. It is something I struggle with even now, and something I plan to work on with my therapist when I can resume therapy.

The most important thing I can tell you is this:

You are not evil. Having sexual thoughts towards taboo subjects does not make you evil. Having desires doesn't make you a monster, even though you might feel like someone who will loose control. There do exist pedophiles and Minor attracted persons that are aware that their desires pose serious threat to the well being and development of a child. The dangerous ones are they who belive that what they desire is beneficial to the development of a child.

Learn to recognize what might trigger you to check with pornography, and ask yourself "why" you feel the urge to check. It will be extremely difficult to resist the compulsion, and it will fill you with such doubt as to be paralyzing, but it is important to resist that compulsion with everything you have. There do exist medications that can help inhibit arousal, so if you're worried that you have intense sexual urges, there is treatment for that as well. The fear is of being branded a pariah by people who do not understand either OCD or pedophilia.

Treatments for this variety of OCD are extremely specific, so of you are looking for treatment, search for therapists who specialize in sexual obsessions.

Dr. Monica T. Williams and her behavioral wellness clinic are what helped me. She herself has published studies on the treatment of pedophilia themed ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder, and while I understand she isn'tseeing patients herself, she leads a highly organized team of people who want to help. It is unfortunately expensive, but there are other clinic that specialize in OCD, and they might be able to help.

I still have intensely intrusive episodes, and there are moments where I'm basically running on fumes, but I keep going forward. Forgive yourself, if you have masturbated to improper sexual material. Learn to recognize what triggers such impulses, resist them with everything you have. You are not a monster, you are not evil, and you are not alone. There are treatment options for both OCD and pedophilia. I still search for the right combination, as do hundreds of thousands of others, like us, who are emprisoned in our own minds.

New experimental treatments are being investigated, and I cling to that with everything I have. Even if they don't provide the results desired, they are still progress for an effective treatment and cure for our mental illness.

You are not alone, and neither am I.