Really struggling

[purplecat223]

Hi,

I know I have posted on here before about this topic, I am really sorry to talk about it again, I am just really really struggling from the guilt of one of my past compulsions. The compulsion was to repeat a rude phrase out loud about a loved one to myself in private (the phrase which it wanted me to say is not something I have ever, ever thought before and the phrase it wanted me to say upsets me a lot) to prevent my intrusive thought from coming true and for my intrusive thought to stop for just one second. My ocd would not leave me alone until I repeated the phrase. It kept telling me and telling me if I didn't say it to myself what would happen, and that all my intrusive thought would come true. I feel immensely immensely guilty about giving in and doing the compulsion. The guilt is absolutely consuming me. I feel like a horrible person. I also feel alone, I haven't seen many posts about this type of compulsion, and don't see a lot about this type of compulsion. Sorry to post about this topic on here again.

Thankyou.

[Hidden]

Dear Purple Cat,

My heart goes out to you. I have had similar incidents--not precisely what you describe, but my brain's own weird little twist on it.

I think OCD is like an ingenious evil little fairy that is brilliant at zeroing in on what would be the most unacceptable, taboo, and guilt-producing thoughts and sensations for you personally. I believe it's been found that there is a link between OCD and Tourette's Syndrome, where people sometimes can't help but say very socially unacceptable things. Personally, I believe that I THINK a lot of socially unacceptable things. It's kind of a variation on a theme.

I totally get that you feel horribly guilty. Please keep in mind that really evil people do not feel guilty when they violate a taboo. And try to say to yourself what you would say to a good friend who came to you with the same concern. And don't worry about bringing this issue up here as often as you need to. It's not a big deal to scroll through a bunch of messages and read/respond what you want to and defer or skip the rest.

You're not alone. I've been there/go there sometimes and I'll bet hundreds of us here on this message board have, as well.

Virtual hugs.

[Hidden]

I've found progress to be a series of small steps that strengthen over time. For example, try to let the thought come and go (mindfulness). You must remember that the more you try to resist it, the stronger it will be. (what we resist, persists). If you're able to let the thought come and go for longer periods each time, eventually the thought will loose its effectiveness and you will slowly be bothered by it less and less each time it comes. All too often when we are faced with an obsession we expect it to go away immediately by will of thought. That's not going to happen with OCD. It can be very scary to do it all at once, especially if you don't have the benefit of someone to guide you (therapist). By doing it a little at the time, it becomes more manageable. You have to be very aware of your thoughts in that if you feel the thought coming and you notice you're starting to resist it, just try to relax, let the thought come and go, and you will begin to notice improvement.

I hope this helps

[3BirdLover]

I would recommend to you to embrace "Self Compassion" right now. Yes, you gave into a compulsion, but give yourself a break.... next time you will try to do better.

I have had Religious Scrupulosity and it is the hardest thing for me of all the obsessions that I have had. However, even in that case, I've learned to give myself a break, even forgive myself (because Jesus has forgiven me already).

It's very difficult but you and I are not perfect...we will NEVER EVER be perfect. OCD loves trying to tell us that we screwed up and it is not acceptable. As others have said, working on some things you have learned (mindfulness, for example) will help to bring you back to the present.

Do you watch the wonderful Int'l OCD Foundation webinars they have? They have given me a multitude of tips and tools to use when OCD peaks its ugly head out. I don't use all the tools, but I have found many that work for me. Self- compassion is one of them.

As I have written before, my husband used to tell me "kick it to the curb" when OCD used to try to trick me. I physically have kicked my leg out and told it to "hit the road"!!! Hey, it works.

[purplecat223]

I'm really upset about this past compulsion tonight